Black dog

I've had some depressions over the years... but it's a long time since I've felt like I do now. 

I'm back to work tomorrow after 10 days' leave.  I took the time because it was the first anniversary of mum's passing.  I thought it would be good to relax, reflect, get some exercise, catch up on sleep, maybe do a little reading and writing.

Practically the only thing I've really done from that list is sleep.  It's all I really want to do - curl up and drift off.  So that I don't have to feel this gnawing anxiety.  So I don't have think about the fact that I don't want to do anything else at all. 

I like my job.  But last week I also found out that my manager - a lovely person, and the best manager I've had in many years - has gone.  I won't go into the details.  It doesn't matter now.  Suffice it to say that the situation is very unfair.  But good people often get treated unfairly.  So, now I dread going back.  I have this horrible sense of foreboding - like things are going on behind the scenes and I have no control over them.  And maybe I'll be next.

All of a sudden, I just feel completely alone and defenceless.  I just want to sleep again to make it go away.

A drink would quell the horrible sick-feeling of anxiety.  But that's no real fix, and I don't want to touch it. 

But it's awful feeling like this.  Just watching the clock, watching tomorrow getting closer... and just wanting to sleep.

Parents
  • Tom, could it be a combination of your work routine changing combined with the first anniversary of your mom's passing that is making you feel like this? It's a lot to cope with, even for a so-called 'neuro-typical', so it's no wonder that you are being affected so much. However, I think it will pass eventually and all you can do it 'tough it out' and hope things improve, which they will in time. I wish there was a magic cure but there isn't and all you can do is look forward to better times, and there will be better times Tom. At least you still have wonderful and loving memories of her Tom and in that sense she will never die. 

Reply
  • Tom, could it be a combination of your work routine changing combined with the first anniversary of your mom's passing that is making you feel like this? It's a lot to cope with, even for a so-called 'neuro-typical', so it's no wonder that you are being affected so much. However, I think it will pass eventually and all you can do it 'tough it out' and hope things improve, which they will in time. I wish there was a magic cure but there isn't and all you can do is look forward to better times, and there will be better times Tom. At least you still have wonderful and loving memories of her Tom and in that sense she will never die. 

Children
  • Yes, I think it's a combination of things.  Feeling the loss stronger now that a year has passed.  I just wish I could muster the energy to do things.  I went to bed early last night and slept right through.  Good... but I still don't feel refreshed by it.

    There is some sense of solidarity at work, and we have some good people.  Unfortunately, they're outnumbered by the clique that seems to have its hold over the place.