Published on 12, July, 2020
I've had some depressions over the years... but it's a long time since I've felt like I do now.
I'm back to work tomorrow after 10 days' leave. I took the time because it was the first anniversary of mum's passing. I thought it would be good to relax, reflect, get some exercise, catch up on sleep, maybe do a little reading and writing.
Practically the only thing I've really done from that list is sleep. It's all I really want to do - curl up and drift off. So that I don't have to feel this gnawing anxiety. So I don't have think about the fact that I don't want to do anything else at all.
I like my job. But last week I also found out that my manager - a lovely person, and the best manager I've had in many years - has gone. I won't go into the details. It doesn't matter now. Suffice it to say that the situation is very unfair. But good people often get treated unfairly. So, now I dread going back. I have this horrible sense of foreboding - like things are going on behind the scenes and I have no control over them. And maybe I'll be next.
All of a sudden, I just feel completely alone and defenceless. I just want to sleep again to make it go away.
A drink would quell the horrible sick-feeling of anxiety. But that's no real fix, and I don't want to touch it.
But it's awful feeling like this. Just watching the clock, watching tomorrow getting closer... and just wanting to sleep.
Second leave of 10 days in a month - but it's a difficult time of year for me. Mum passed away on 26th April 2017. Dad passed away on 7th May 2004. My birthday was on Saturday, 12th May. Tomorrow, 16th, is the anniversary of mum's funeral. Dad's was on 17th. 17th was actually the first date suggested for mum, too, and it would have been so good. Almost like they were being reunited. But my brother and his wife were going on holiday on that day! So it had to be brought forward a day. Same thing happened with dad, too. The date was changed because they were going on holiday. Ah well. History.
I've never felt this bad. Even when I last tried to take my life, I didn't feel as bad as this. I'm empty. Used up. I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to exercise, to write, to read, to go out. I'm going through the motions - as I do when I'm at work. Nothing really makes any sense to me any more.
Just my cat. I'm here for her. I live to be here for her. She had a terrible life before I got her. She has a good life now. And she keeps me clinging on. It's a mutual dependency... and little does she realise how much is riding on her continued existence in my life.
If anything should happen to me, I'll make sure she's well taken care of. She'll have to go back to the rescue centre I got her from - she's adopted - and she'll have what little savings I have. I know she'll get another good home. But that's if anything happens to me. I'm not planning anything. I don't want to die. But I see no fun in living. None at all. None. I've burned out.
I hope that you are alright and getting support, if you feel really bad, please let someone know, after going through a similar patch, I know how horrible it is but we all care for you, a lovely guy. Hold on, hold tight, it will pass, the clouds are just passing by. lots of hugs and love to you and your cat.
Tom, I think it's only natural that you feel so bad because this is a new experience for you in that you have never had to deal with the mourning process and particularly at this time of the year. To mourn a loved one is hard enough for anyone but for someone on the autistic spectrum it can be overwhelming and all you can do is to get through it as best you can. If your mom was here I wonder what she would say. I guess she would try to comfort you and tell you to look after yourself as much as possible and not put yourself in danger because, after all Tom, you are a part of her and always will be so look at it as honouring your mom and carrying on her spirit and the gifts she has imparted to you.
Tom, I hope you are feeling at least a bit better now. I wanted to reply as you were so kind with your advice when I joined the forum. The anniversary of your parents' deaths is always going to be a hard time. Do you think you might be underestimating the effects of all the problems at work on your mental state though?
I can only speak for myself here, but when things like that have gone on at my work, it has really knocked me for six. I don't know what anyone is up to, can't work it out, know that people have agendas but I can only try to imagine what they are ..... All of this causes a huge amount of stress and uncertainty. I then get accused of over-reacting, imagining the worst possible scenario etc. All of this has the effect of leaving me drained and hopeless. I only say this because that is how you describe feeling. The psychologist who diagnosed me put it perfectly: "panic and despair", panic because there's all this stuff going on that is probably going to change things, probably for the worse, and there's nowt you can do about it, and despair because you realise that there is nothing you can do, and then feel pretty hopeless. I don't know the fix for this by the way, other than to wait and see what happens (you have little choice on that score I suppose).
My dad said something wise to me last year. He said "just remember, when you get to that stage, that I am 73 years old and 'the worst' has only actually happened about 3 times in my entire life". I try to remember that now.
Give that kitty of yours a big hug, cats are wonderful therapy (I have two). Can you get out in the countryside while you're off work? I find that time in the nature and wide open spaces help when I am feeling lousy. Hang in there, we appreciate your wise words and beautiful writing on here. Sending you a virtual hug ....