Published on 12, July, 2020
I've had some depressions over the years... but it's a long time since I've felt like I do now.
I'm back to work tomorrow after 10 days' leave. I took the time because it was the first anniversary of mum's passing. I thought it would be good to relax, reflect, get some exercise, catch up on sleep, maybe do a little reading and writing.
Practically the only thing I've really done from that list is sleep. It's all I really want to do - curl up and drift off. So that I don't have to feel this gnawing anxiety. So I don't have think about the fact that I don't want to do anything else at all.
I like my job. But last week I also found out that my manager - a lovely person, and the best manager I've had in many years - has gone. I won't go into the details. It doesn't matter now. Suffice it to say that the situation is very unfair. But good people often get treated unfairly. So, now I dread going back. I have this horrible sense of foreboding - like things are going on behind the scenes and I have no control over them. And maybe I'll be next.
All of a sudden, I just feel completely alone and defenceless. I just want to sleep again to make it go away.
A drink would quell the horrible sick-feeling of anxiety. But that's no real fix, and I don't want to touch it.
But it's awful feeling like this. Just watching the clock, watching tomorrow getting closer... and just wanting to sleep.
Well, the staff meeting wasn't too bad in the end. The most senior manager present invited questions about the 'ex-manager' situation from the off, and at least he didn't lie by saying she left for personal reasons. Apparently, good though she was, she was deficient in some vital areas (something I find hard to accept, given her extensive years of experience). I think the true story is that her face didn't fit. She came in and saw the problems that needed addressing and did her best to address them - but it rocked the boat with those who are looking after their own interests and have friends in high places. Plus, there are people connected through relationships, kinships, and friendships outside of work. The clique has connections all over the place. You have to be very careful what you say to anyone. I have a couple of allies, though, who I know I can trust.
Yesterday was a prime example of how it all works - and I really lost my s**t at the end of the day. I keep picking up on important areas of the work where things simply aren't being done properly - through apathy, incompetence, laziness, or a combination of the three. But again, the main culprits are 'connected'. In the final hour of the afternoon, my client had gone home, so I was drafted in to cover for someone ('for a bit') with another client. Meanwhile, four other 'connected' staff members are sitting around chatting. There are end-of-day cleaning jobs that need doing, which I can't do because of my responsibility with the client. This is another area where the gilded ones get away with things. In the end, most people leave 5 minutes early - including the person who is supposed to be with my client! And I'm left there working overtime, because his taxi was held up in traffic. I finally get away 15 minutes late, leaving four late staff behind - any one of whom could have taken over from me, but didn't for the usual reasons! At that point, I'm red-lining. I'm close to having a meltdown, which I haven't had for a while. I'd hit the first stage already by raising my voice and swearing, which raised some eyebrows. I think they'd always taken me for passive. It's not far from there before I'm punching walls and kicking things. When I did go, I pulled the door shut in a way that made the building shake - so I'm sure that'll be mentioned. I was still seething a couple of hours later.
This is what we have to deal with, isn't it. Being treated with contempt. Being put down.
I've had enough of it now. I'm pretty close to burn-out, anyway. I'll have my say on Tuesday. If they don't like it, it doesn't matter. I won't be there much longer... one way or another.
Nice to hear from you and sorry to hear that things are not going well.
Here's an update on my situation.
A few days ago I had a meeting with a HR manager at their headquarters. I explained my side of the story and gave her a written statement. She explained that the manager I was having difficulties with had also made a written statement with a list of complaints about me and my behaviour. This turned out to be out of context, fabricated and exaggerated complaints accusing me of bullying her and ranting and raving at her. In fact it was very similar to what I was accusing her of.
The hour long meeting ended with the HR manager getting me to provincially agree to go back to work next week at the same place with the same people.
I'm not sure what to do. ?????
I am still on sick leave with stress as the official reason.
Oh, man... this is so similar to the situation I found myself in at the hospital. When I put in my complaint against the medical secretary who bullied me - and I know very well what I experienced, and knew that other people had experienced it at her hands, too - I was told that she'd also complained about me for harassing her. The problem was, they closed ranks around her because she'd been there longer (I'd only been in role a month) and had higher professional status, and therefore was more valuable to them as a member of staff. So the situation was spun in her favour. But, as part of procedure, I had to have an occupational health doctor assessment before returning to role, and the doctor assessed me as unfit for work for a longer period than the initial 2 weeks I was off. In the end, it was more like 2 months, and I only returned on the understanding that I no longer worked with this woman again. This was fine for a while. But then someone went on annual leave, and I was the person chosen to fill their role temporarily - which would have meant coming back into contact with this woman again. So I went sick again, and this time didn't go back. I think it was a clear case of constructive dismissal. They worked the situation to get rid of me - and they did.
In spite of what you've agreed provisionally with HR, if you don't feel comfortable working with this person again, then they really ought to take account of that. That seems to me to be an unfair expectation on you. And personally, if you don't feel up to it, I'd say you need to go back to see your doctor. Returning in the light of these written complaints isn't going to make things any easier for you - unless the manager is prepared to accept some of the things you've said, and moderate their approach accordingly. It doesn't sound like it, though, if they're basically prepared to lie in their own statement - to cover their own back, in effect.