Published on 12, July, 2020
I've had some depressions over the years... but it's a long time since I've felt like I do now.
I'm back to work tomorrow after 10 days' leave. I took the time because it was the first anniversary of mum's passing. I thought it would be good to relax, reflect, get some exercise, catch up on sleep, maybe do a little reading and writing.
Practically the only thing I've really done from that list is sleep. It's all I really want to do - curl up and drift off. So that I don't have to feel this gnawing anxiety. So I don't have think about the fact that I don't want to do anything else at all.
I like my job. But last week I also found out that my manager - a lovely person, and the best manager I've had in many years - has gone. I won't go into the details. It doesn't matter now. Suffice it to say that the situation is very unfair. But good people often get treated unfairly. So, now I dread going back. I have this horrible sense of foreboding - like things are going on behind the scenes and I have no control over them. And maybe I'll be next.
All of a sudden, I just feel completely alone and defenceless. I just want to sleep again to make it go away.
A drink would quell the horrible sick-feeling of anxiety. But that's no real fix, and I don't want to touch it.
But it's awful feeling like this. Just watching the clock, watching tomorrow getting closer... and just wanting to sleep.
Well, the staff meeting wasn't too bad in the end. The most senior manager present invited questions about the 'ex-manager' situation from the off, and at least he didn't lie by saying she left for personal reasons. Apparently, good though she was, she was deficient in some vital areas (something I find hard to accept, given her extensive years of experience). I think the true story is that her face didn't fit. She came in and saw the problems that needed addressing and did her best to address them - but it rocked the boat with those who are looking after their own interests and have friends in high places. Plus, there are people connected through relationships, kinships, and friendships outside of work. The clique has connections all over the place. You have to be very careful what you say to anyone. I have a couple of allies, though, who I know I can trust.
Yesterday was a prime example of how it all works - and I really lost my s**t at the end of the day. I keep picking up on important areas of the work where things simply aren't being done properly - through apathy, incompetence, laziness, or a combination of the three. But again, the main culprits are 'connected'. In the final hour of the afternoon, my client had gone home, so I was drafted in to cover for someone ('for a bit') with another client. Meanwhile, four other 'connected' staff members are sitting around chatting. There are end-of-day cleaning jobs that need doing, which I can't do because of my responsibility with the client. This is another area where the gilded ones get away with things. In the end, most people leave 5 minutes early - including the person who is supposed to be with my client! And I'm left there working overtime, because his taxi was held up in traffic. I finally get away 15 minutes late, leaving four late staff behind - any one of whom could have taken over from me, but didn't for the usual reasons! At that point, I'm red-lining. I'm close to having a meltdown, which I haven't had for a while. I'd hit the first stage already by raising my voice and swearing, which raised some eyebrows. I think they'd always taken me for passive. It's not far from there before I'm punching walls and kicking things. When I did go, I pulled the door shut in a way that made the building shake - so I'm sure that'll be mentioned. I was still seething a couple of hours later.
This is what we have to deal with, isn't it. Being treated with contempt. Being put down.
I've had enough of it now. I'm pretty close to burn-out, anyway. I'll have my say on Tuesday. If they don't like it, it doesn't matter. I won't be there much longer... one way or another.
I shouldn't worry too much Tom because they know you are very valuable to them and it wouldn't be in their interests to get rid of you. You've shown how you feel and I'm sure they make allowances for you because of your autism so, hopefully, things will settle back down a bit when the smoke clears. You can't control the universe, Tom, none of us can.
Thanks - but things won't settle back down. It doesn't work that way. I've been advised to speak to the deputy concerned, which I will, and then go above her if the situation isn't dealt with satisfactorily.
I've been speaking with a couple of onside colleagues about this all. They see the situation as I do, and are both thoroughly disgusted with it all. And talking to them has been a valuable lesson to me in learning the difference between ND and NT perceptions, and the way we read (or don't read) people. One colleague in particular is half my age and hasn't been there for as long as I have. But he gave me a list of 'good' people, and some assessments of some of the others that showed me how wrong I'd understood some behaviours. For instance, I'd 'assessed' the deputy manager as pretty shallow and superficial - which she is - but also that she was manipulative and controlling. He maintains she's too naive and immature to be either of those things, and that actually, rather than rounding on me and using her authority to contradict my version of the story, she'll probably be mortified to discover how upset it's made me. The other onside colleague agrees. They both think I undervalue my role and position at the place, and that many of the staff look up to me. They also think that the regional manager, whom I see as more interested in his own power and status, is actually also very respectful of me and my good work, and will probably be interested to hear what I have to say. One of them thinks he values me above several of the other long-serving staff members.
It's strange, isn't it, that I get none of this. I feel like an inferior all the time, and that nothing I say or do will count. Whereas they think I have a more powerful position, and in some senses am a more reliable authority, than many of the others. And therefore, my complaints will be taken account of and actioned in the appropriate way. That really has opened my eyes.
I'm not too surprised at this, Tom, judging from your posts on here. You come over as a sensitive, bright, fair-minded individual who will not baulk at expressing his disapproval at anything he find immoral and unjust. You undervalue yourself Tom and I can see why others do not and look up to you as a kind of moral leader.