Saddness after diagnosis

I read here the letters and I feel accomodated. And I can’t rely on my brother and mother cause they are n.divergent also but I really can get calmer if you guys understand me and I don’t feel that lonely.

Bright lights and noise are very very hard, I can’t sit for more than like 15 minutes if I am in an office, I have to get up and move, I get also overstimulated by people, it is very hard that they don’t act and speak how they feel. My head gets dizzy about these unspoken things. A lot of times people use me as an emotional trash can, I’ve read about this and I wanna try to show that it is not fair! After socializing I have to stay at home like 2 days resting. BUT: I love hiking alone, I do it twice a week. I am a volunteer at a coworking office as a community host so when I socialize it has a followable task and structured ways of connecting. I used to work with wood but got a hand injury so I can’t have a handcraft job again which was basically healing for my brain and soul. I don’t know if I will be ever that happy. And I think I am still very angry that I inherited this wiring. 

I’ve read these and finally fall asleep for a bit which I can’t do since a long time

And how exactly does your autism affect you? What are your sensory issues specific to you? 

When were you diagnosed? Also do you live in an area where there is a lot of neurological diversity support? 

And yes like Iain said - reaching out for support is a massive thing and it’s amazing that you have been brave enough to do that and take that step when you needed it 

I think you do look back and think about all of the things you got wrong when people were talking to you. I never realised I even had such a big problem until about 4 years ago when I realised I never really asked any follow up questions I just eagerly went off assuming I had gotten the right end of what was being said. I think most people I know before that were quite literal or just happy with me anyway so it wasn’t a big problem. Then you think oh what is my brain doing today …. I think one of the biggest things I learnt early on which worked in my favour was to learn to laugh at myself…. It helped a lot and many of my friends were neurologically diverse too so they were all fairly similar - they always said I was so random but they seemed to like that - or maybe I was just the entertainment, who knows. So I think forgive yourself…. The hardest thing I struggle with is being able to tell when someone is “taking the mick out of me” but I’ve started getting on to that over the past year or so too and I think I’m fortunately surrounded by people who do see it and don’t allow it. 

I would say try and think about yourself - your loves, your passions and focus on these and allow the friends to come to you. Do the odd thing and ask when they’re having a catch up next . People don’t meet up that often anyway because of life…. Take it one day and one step at a time…. Don’t feel like you need them to validate yourself though - you will find the right friends when you feel better

I think to feel some sadness regarding this is just entirely normal and to be expected. I often feel this too - not just about being autistic but about myriad aspects of my life and upbringing. You can’t really get rid of feelings of sadness - it’s just a part of being human to feel this way - especially if you’ve had quite a tough life (which many autistic people have had). I think you have to accept the sadness and just be with it, and know that it’s there for perfectly good reasons. What you can do is give time to try and cultivate positive feelings by doing things in your life that bring you joy, or be being with people that lift your spirits. Getting diagnosed doesn’t ‘solve’ the problems that we face as autistic people - but it does help us to have greater understanding of ourselves so that we can hopefully find ways to cope better. I think it also means we find we are part of a ‘tribe’ of autistic people - and many of us have never felt part of a tribe before - we’ve always felt like outsiders. So I think that’s a real positive. We know we are not alone. 

Part of accepting your autism is knowing that there are things which will always be difficult but you can find ways to make them work so long as you realise they come at a cost to your mental energy.

Ma.ra. said:

This big wish not to have sensory issues

Your seneses will always be, err, sensitive so what you can do is find ways to blunt the worst of the things that affect you.

Bright lights get to you? Change for dimmer, softer coloured bulbs at home and ask work to do the same near your desk.

Loud noises make your head hurt? Noise cancelling earphones work great for most stuff and let you have a  conversation with them in. For really bad stuff (construction) get ear defenders to block it almost entirely.

Tactile issues? if you use public transport then wear thin gloves so you can hold the poles. Change things at home so they are all friendly to your senses. 

Smells get right up your nose (bad pun I know)? Manage what cleaning products are used at home so you get least nasal assault, agree what is cooked so you can be out when onions are cooked for example, ask family members not to use perfume etc.

Controlling your environment as much as is reasonable can make a big difference and blunting the effect of the outside will also help, but you can't "fix" everything. By reducing the load on you it should be easier to cope with.

Ma.ra. said:

I really wanna join society, I like connections

Would I be right in thinking you feel that you don't know how to make connections / friends? You feel like you say all the wrong things and get the cues all wrong so end up marginalised?

This is very common for autists and is something I'm slowly writing an article around to offer some in depth advice.

For now we can be your community - we are probably just as awkward as you can be and some people have unusual reactions stemming from a life of trauma so it helps to make allowances.

On the whole people here are a great bunch and even those I disagree with I would never want them to stop contributing.

We can be your network and support if it works for you.

Thanks so much Iain and kiwipip  This big wish not to have sensory issues and do like 13 stuff a day like a n.typical is high and I am feeling left out. I wish to read about how to minimize this huge sensory overload I have when I am not alone, I really wanna join society, I like connections. Somehow this sadness feels like resting now.

Hello and congrats on being brave enough to reach out for support. This can be a daunting stop to take so cudos for that.

The main thing to realise is that post diagnosis you are are exactly the same person (just as kiwipip  says) - nothing was done to you in the process but you are now the owner of one powerful bit of knowledge.

Now you know what us are the root of many of your lifelong challenges you effectively have a manual for it - there are many hundreds of books on autism out there so there is no shortage of advice and all you need to do it decide how/if you want to go on this journey of discovery and healing.

It really is all positives when you look at it - the past is gone and cannot be changed so do not dwell on it. Learn the lessons from it and use it to shape your future.

Your therapis and you are likely to have a bit of a journey as you explore what your experiences have been, the traumas it has caused and through exploring them (or unpacking as the therapist will call it) you will be able to realise you were not to blame for this stuff and you can start to forgive yourself and accept what has happened.

This process can be painful but is very important to heal the traumas which are most likely still causing you to act in certain ways today that may not be the healthiest ways. Once complete you should hopefully feel a bit drained but much more "whole". Talk to the therapist if you are worried about it and they can explain the value of the process.

You can also explore ways for you to cope better with things that stress you, decide if you simply want to avoid them or become better at enduring them when they are inescapable.

So really it is all great news.

If you want a book that is really accessible to dip in and out of with a great index of subects I can recomment:

Autism For Dummies (2025) - ISBN 9781394301003 (paberback); ISBN 9781394301027 (ebook)

I will try, it causes unemployment and lot of lonliness so I got happy I can finally fix it by learning.

I think you are still the person you have always been and everybody is unique in their own ways and variety so don’t single yourself out too much.