My partner

Thank you for your help.

Communication is always a two-way street.

Please do not attempt to extrapolate me from the confines of (hopefully helpful) advice to you and the issues with your wife that you chose to raise here.  My challenges and realities are my own and you know nothing of them......I immediately distrusted anyone who presumes otherwise.

I genuinely wish you well....but I'm tapping out at this point.  Good luck.

As a partner it is such a difficult journey wanting to help a person you love so much but you are unable to communicate with.

I'm glad you have understood yourself. Knowing that is a huge step forward and being able to share that with partners and people close to you is fantastic.

Perhaps.....you should tell her this WITHOUT forcing an expectation upon her.  FYI.....if someone had suggested to me that I was autistic, just 1 week before I realised for myself, then I would have laughed at them!  It has to come from within, and be greeted with acceptance ( in my opinion) or else it is of little use or consequence.

I think having some reassurance that she has autistic issues makes me rethink my desires of her communication and being more accepting and understanding. She is an intelligent women and wanted to have our son tested years ago..I very much doubt she wouldn't have thought she had neurological issues herself to have wanted our son checked out.  I am sure my wife struggled with her difficulties. For me knowing that, would make it easier to explore more about it and how to support her.

DON'T GIVE UP....if you AND her have the ability to look at your established "intractability" together, in a different light.  This might (conceiveably) be a complicated case of mis-communication/ lack of understanding.

Hi

Our daughter is 24 with a grandson 18 months and our son. (Stepson) is 35.

Time will tell. Sadly I am convinced it is over. 

Nor me brother!  I'm only a few years into this quagmire.....and for the avoidance of your doubt....I am akin to your wife, rather than you...but I can (quite literally) feel your pain....so perhaps (quite foreseeably) she can too.  My advice = DON'T give up easily on 33 years.....but also ACCEPT that perhaps someone was missing something FUNDEMENTAL, if it was possible to have that broken after all that time?  Therefore, 'someone' needs to fundamentally alter their perspective or their thinking on these matters.....and more probably, BOTH of yous need to rethink?!

I had said I thought her difficulties may have been as a result of her trauma with her previous partner. She denied this. I had thought about her being guarded initially and being unable to change although I had. Our focus was often on other things initially. Looking after her son as a family and doing up a house. As the children grew up and we had more time together we had more time to focus on teaching other.You are probably right that she was overwhelmed by her feelings. On the odd occasion I tried to talk to her she was very overwhelmed. 

It seemed impossible to raise anything with her the could be seen as criticism. I always tried to avoid criticism. She took a everything personally. 

Dude....I'm so sorry that you find yourself in a place that you feel COULD have been avoided....perhaps.  Notwithstanding that statement, I am of the opinion that 33 years of marriage doesn't just "happen" nor indeed "evaporate" either!!

You are both obviously connected in a pretty substantial way....so PLEASE don't run and presume that all is lost!  Just because something is a "bit broken", doesn't mean that it should be thrown away and discarded.

You have a child(OK, let's say young human at this Uni juncture)....so it is defo worth trying to figure things out to some extent....even if "re-coupling" is not on the cards.

I honestly believe that "Hope springs eternal."

I agree with Number that it isn't a good idea to tell her that how she is behaving isn't related to autism, because you don't know that. People can be autistic and also have issues related to trauma - actually I believe that autistic people suffer more due to trauma than neurotypical people, due to the differences in brain processing. We may not look like we have feelings, but we can actually have feelings that overwhelm us so much that we shut down.

You said: "We had both had difficult break ups with previous partners and initially had been quite guarded in showing our affection to each other.." So she probably got used to the relationship being that way, and finds it difficult to change. She may also have trust issues due to her previous relationship, and that might have put up barriers to openness with you.

It may help her to see a therapist or counsellor, and it may help her to find out whether she is on the autism spectrum and how this affects the way she processes things. But it's up to her to make that decision. If you suggest it, make sure your suggestions cannot be taken as criticism, and gently reassure her that you are genuinely concerned for her welfare. It might be best to do this in writing rather than verbally, then you can read through it and check it sounds ok before sending and it gives her a chance to absorb it without any pressure.I

Please remember that we forum members are not medical professionals, or trained therapists or counsellors. We just try to support others by giving our point of view. It's up to you to decide whether or how to use that advice. But I hope we've helped you.

Number. Thank you for your support. It is welcome. I just didn't have any knowledge or expertise in this area. 

• Oh That's great to hear that from someone who knows far more about this than me. It is all a bit late now and I feel guilty expecting something from her she was not able to give. I did feel I was trying to understand her behaviour without any support from anyone. It just shows what impact a lack of a diagnosis has. I wish I had looked at this site two or 3 years ago. 

Thanks mate.  I like safety/similarity in this scary box....and you deliver!

No problem, Number, good to hear another voice in the conversation and I agree with you.

Partner_feels lost said:

Am I wrong to tell think her inability to be open and communicate and show her feelings is not related to autism/Asperger's and perhaps it is related to her trauma of

......to be honest sir.....yes, I think that would be wrong.....because from my perspective, if she were to be autistic, then there is EVERY REASON to suspect that her inability IS due to autism.

Disambiguation - I use capitals to emphasise, NOT to indicate that I am shouting at you.  I have no desire to do ANYTHING other than help you/explain myself from my own ND perspective.

PS....Sorry for jumping in Pixiefox....but I trust you will forgive me.

Hi Thank you for your response.

I was with my wife 33 years.  I certainly felt cared for but I always felt a barrier between us that prevented us being close.

When her parents died ten years ago I wanted to be supportive, be close and support her. I was completely shut out and pushed away. I find being open, having the ability to talk about issues and my feelings very easy. She just never told me how she ever felt. Barely any feelings at all. I think of when we got married. Little if not no affection or emotion.

We had both had difficult break ups with previous partners and initially had been quite guarded in showing our affection to each other. With the birth of our daughter it opened up my desire to be closer and I became more and more aware of her inability to share any feelings. I wanted to be closer.

Am I wrong to tell think her inability to be open and communicate and show her feelings is not related to autism/Asperger's and perhaps it is related to her trauma of being abandoned in her first marriage with a newborn son and a house in negative equity or the lack of openness is just her.  

Partner_feels lost said:

You seem to be able to communicate with me. Do you have neurological issues. Was even this level of communication too much for her. 

I fear that......perhaps.....this IS the point I am trying to make for you.

Hi and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear about your relationship issues, but I'm afraid I'm having a few problems fully understanding your situation.

As I interpret it, you think your wife is autistic, there are communication problems that make you feel pushed away and not cared for, she gets distressed if you try to discuss it and she hates confrontation?

You said:  "I can't believe that my wife just wasn't capable of doing what I found so easy." But I'm not sure what it is you are referring to - I take it you mean that you find it easy to share your feelings and talk about your son?

 You don't say how long you have been together, how recently her parents died or when you discovered your son was autistic. If these are relatively recent events, she may be struggling to process them. 

There are some articles on this website which might be useful for you - if you click or tap on the three lines at the top of this page, then choose "Advice and guidance" you will find lots of articles, some which may be relevant to your situation, such as these:

What is Autism? -

- Social communication and social interaction challenges

- Meltdowns & shutdowns

Behaviour -- Demand avoidance

Mental Health and wellbeing - Mental wellbeing - Autistic fatigue and burnout

Relationships and socialising - Family relationships - A guide for partners of autistic people.

I have not copied links to these articles in this post, as last time I did that I got moderated, but I'm sure you will be able to navigate to them yourself and I hope you find them of some help.

I wish you all the best.

Hi 

Very many thanks for your reply. It is most welcome and perhaps the response  I hoped for. 

My marriage I am sure is over. 

Yes I can understand you hearing the big clang. I adored my wife and she did seem the only person who struggled so much to communicate with me. The autistic/Asperger's suggestion was made two or three times in my counselling. I didn't entirely dismiss it. I always felt a lack of connection/love but knew it was there. I couldn't love her any more but needed her to just allow me to understand.."I am unable to show you the love as you want but I assure you do love you". Somehow just get this across. I just needed to understand. She could never talk to me. She could email me when we were living apart. I did say in an email I believed she was not able to show me the love in the way I expected and I could accept that this was simply something she was unable to do. I am sure it would have been hard but I did  love her enough to deal with it. I understand how much of a challenge this would be. Some things needs to be said to a partner. My partner wanted to be more independent and spend some days living in her own flat. She seemed to just expect to do this without talking it over. I did say as a married couple to live together 7 days a week. I say again I loved her and wanted what made her happy. She always accepted my first comment. We had issues with our daughter. This wasn't about us. She could not talk to me about this.  Never put her case. She hated confrontation and arguments. We never argued once. I respected that but talking/discussing on a simple level seemed impossible too.

You seem to be able to communicate with me. Do you have neurological issues. Was even this level of communication too much for her. 

Thank you for your comments.