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My partner

Partner_feels lost

I have struggled in my relationship with my partner. She shows no  emotion,  affection, empathy, give any praise , unable to discuss anything between us but seems to constantly make assumptions about my thoughts and judgements that are often completely wrong. She is intelligent and can communicate  well on an everyday level but anything deeper and personal seems impossible.She didn't want any emotional support when her parents died or limited support to me when I suffered family bereavements. I was desperate to support her and feel close.

I would be happy to accept that she has a neurological issue but I feel so pushed away wanting to share these things. I love her immensely but it seems to have ended our relationship. My desperation for being close and to feel loved.. She gets so distressed if I try to talk and raise the issues.  She just feels it's a negative attack on her.

I have no idea how to deal with this. Our son was tested for autism and Asperger's and was confirmed as being on the spectrum and given some support at Uni. I can't believe that my wife just wasn't capable of doing what I found so easy. 

Parents

  • Hi and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear about your relationship issues, but I'm afraid I'm having a few problems fully understanding your situation.

    As I interpret it, you think your wife is autistic, there are communication problems that make you feel pushed away and not cared for, she gets distressed if you try to discuss it and she hates confrontation?

    You said:  "I can't believe that my wife just wasn't capable of doing what I found so easy." But I'm not sure what it is you are referring to - I take it you mean that you find it easy to share your feelings and talk about your son?

     You don't say how long you have been together, how recently her parents died or when you discovered your son was autistic. If these are relatively recent events, she may be struggling to process them. 

    There are some articles on this website which might be useful for you - if you click or tap on the three lines at the top of this page, then choose "Advice and guidance" you will find lots of articles, some which may be relevant to your situation, such as these:

    What is Autism? -

    - Social communication and social interaction challenges

    - Meltdowns & shutdowns

       

    Behaviour -- Demand avoidance

    Mental Health and wellbeing - Mental wellbeing - Autistic fatigue and burnout

    Relationships and socialising - Family relationships - A guide for partners of autistic people.

    I have not copied links to these articles in this post, as last time I did that I got moderated, but I'm sure you will be able to navigate to them yourself and I hope you find them of some help.

    I wish you all the best.

  • in reply to Lotus

    Hi Thank you for your response.

    I was with my wife 33 years.  I certainly felt cared for but I always felt a barrier between us that prevented us being close.

    When her parents died ten years ago I wanted to be supportive, be close and support her. I was completely shut out and pushed away. I find being open, having the ability to talk about issues and my feelings very easy. She just never told me how she ever felt. Barely any feelings at all. I think of when we got married. Little if not no affection or emotion.

    We had both had difficult break ups with previous partners and initially had been quite guarded in showing our affection to each other. With the birth of our daughter it opened up my desire to be closer and I became more and more aware of her inability to share any feelings. I wanted to be closer.

    Am I wrong to tell think her inability to be open and communicate and show her feelings is not related to autism/Asperger's and perhaps it is related to her trauma of being abandoned in her first marriage with a newborn son and a house in negative equity or the lack of openness is just her.  

  • in reply to Partner_feels lost
    Partner_feels lost said:
    Am I wrong to tell think her inability to be open and communicate and show her feelings is not related to autism/Asperger's and perhaps it is related to her trauma of

    ......to be honest sir.....yes, I think that would be wrong.....because from my perspective, if she were to be autistic, then there is EVERY REASON to suspect that her inability IS due to autism.

    Disambiguation - I use capitals to emphasise, NOT to indicate that I am shouting at you.  I have no desire to do ANYTHING other than help you/explain myself from my own ND perspective.

    PS....Sorry for jumping in Pixiefox....but I trust you will forgive me.

  • in reply to Deleted User

    Thank you for your help.

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