My partner

Hello.

This can be a SUPER tough time of year for those of us who have endured a torrid 12 months, or those of us who generally feel lonely, disconnected and/or discarded, or those of us who simply dislike "Christmas festivities."

You say of your wife's behaviour "it seems to have ended our relationship".......that is different to "it has ended our relationship"....so I presume there is still some hope that you could both save your relationship, if you are both so inclined? 

With that in mind, (and frankly, whether it is over or not), perhaps now is a good time for some reflection?  You sound like you would like to save the relationship.....but does your wife feel the same way?  That is, perhaps, the first (and most important) thing to establish?

I have no idea what your collective situation is now....but I write this to you now because of one particular part of your writing above that rather "clangs" loudly in my head = the part where you say "I can't believe that my wife just wasn't capable of doing what I found so easy".....so I thought I might offer you a personal perspective on this .... in the hope that it might help you.

On the face of it, many people simply cannot believe that I seem incapable of some VERY basic 'things.'  I find this very frustrating myself ..... because I wholeheartedly share their "disbelief" in myself too.  Accordingly, if people 'rub-my-face-in-it'....well, I REALLY don't like it!!

If your wife is "different," and you want to remain with her, then rather than expressing disbelief at her and her ways, perhaps try a route of "acceptance" first, followed by "how can we make this work."

I hope my words are received as intended - ie. aiming to be helpful.

Hope springs eternal.

Good luck.

Hi 

Very many thanks for your reply. It is most welcome and perhaps the response  I hoped for. 

My marriage I am sure is over. 

Yes I can understand you hearing the big clang. I adored my wife and she did seem the only person who struggled so much to communicate with me. The autistic/Asperger's suggestion was made two or three times in my counselling. I didn't entirely dismiss it. I always felt a lack of connection/love but knew it was there. I couldn't love her any more but needed her to just allow me to understand.."I am unable to show you the love as you want but I assure you do love you". Somehow just get this across. I just needed to understand. She could never talk to me. She could email me when we were living apart. I did say in an email I believed she was not able to show me the love in the way I expected and I could accept that this was simply something she was unable to do. I am sure it would have been hard but I did  love her enough to deal with it. I understand how much of a challenge this would be. Some things needs to be said to a partner. My partner wanted to be more independent and spend some days living in her own flat. She seemed to just expect to do this without talking it over. I did say as a married couple to live together 7 days a week. I say again I loved her and wanted what made her happy. She always accepted my first comment. We had issues with our daughter. This wasn't about us. She could not talk to me about this.  Never put her case. She hated confrontation and arguments. We never argued once. I respected that but talking/discussing on a simple level seemed impossible too.

You seem to be able to communicate with me. Do you have neurological issues. Was even this level of communication too much for her. 

Thank you for your comments.

Hi 

Very many thanks for your reply. It is most welcome and perhaps the response  I hoped for. 

My marriage I am sure is over. 

Yes I can understand you hearing the big clang. I adored my wife and she did seem the only person who struggled so much to communicate with me. The autistic/Asperger's suggestion was made two or three times in my counselling. I didn't entirely dismiss it. I always felt a lack of connection/love but knew it was there. I couldn't love her any more but needed her to just allow me to understand.."I am unable to show you the love as you want but I assure you do love you". Somehow just get this across. I just needed to understand. She could never talk to me. She could email me when we were living apart. I did say in an email I believed she was not able to show me the love in the way I expected and I could accept that this was simply something she was unable to do. I am sure it would have been hard but I did  love her enough to deal with it. I understand how much of a challenge this would be. Some things needs to be said to a partner. My partner wanted to be more independent and spend some days living in her own flat. She seemed to just expect to do this without talking it over. I did say as a married couple to live together 7 days a week. I say again I loved her and wanted what made her happy. She always accepted my first comment. We had issues with our daughter. This wasn't about us. She could not talk to me about this.  Never put her case. She hated confrontation and arguments. We never argued once. I respected that but talking/discussing on a simple level seemed impossible too.

You seem to be able to communicate with me. Do you have neurological issues. Was even this level of communication too much for her. 

Thank you for your comments.

Partner_feels lost said:

You seem to be able to communicate with me. Do you have neurological issues. Was even this level of communication too much for her. 

I fear that......perhaps.....this IS the point I am trying to make for you.