My partner

Hi and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear about your relationship issues, but I'm afraid I'm having a few problems fully understanding your situation.

As I interpret it, you think your wife is autistic, there are communication problems that make you feel pushed away and not cared for, she gets distressed if you try to discuss it and she hates confrontation?

You said:  "I can't believe that my wife just wasn't capable of doing what I found so easy." But I'm not sure what it is you are referring to - I take it you mean that you find it easy to share your feelings and talk about your son?

 You don't say how long you have been together, how recently her parents died or when you discovered your son was autistic. If these are relatively recent events, she may be struggling to process them. 

There are some articles on this website which might be useful for you - if you click or tap on the three lines at the top of this page, then choose "Advice and guidance" you will find lots of articles, some which may be relevant to your situation, such as these:

What is Autism? -

- Social communication and social interaction challenges

- Meltdowns & shutdowns

Behaviour -- Demand avoidance

Mental Health and wellbeing - Mental wellbeing - Autistic fatigue and burnout

Relationships and socialising - Family relationships - A guide for partners of autistic people.

I have not copied links to these articles in this post, as last time I did that I got moderated, but I'm sure you will be able to navigate to them yourself and I hope you find them of some help.

I wish you all the best.

Hi Thank you for your response.

I was with my wife 33 years.  I certainly felt cared for but I always felt a barrier between us that prevented us being close.

When her parents died ten years ago I wanted to be supportive, be close and support her. I was completely shut out and pushed away. I find being open, having the ability to talk about issues and my feelings very easy. She just never told me how she ever felt. Barely any feelings at all. I think of when we got married. Little if not no affection or emotion.

We had both had difficult break ups with previous partners and initially had been quite guarded in showing our affection to each other. With the birth of our daughter it opened up my desire to be closer and I became more and more aware of her inability to share any feelings. I wanted to be closer.

Am I wrong to tell think her inability to be open and communicate and show her feelings is not related to autism/Asperger's and perhaps it is related to her trauma of being abandoned in her first marriage with a newborn son and a house in negative equity or the lack of openness is just her.  

I agree with Number that it isn't a good idea to tell her that how she is behaving isn't related to autism, because you don't know that. People can be autistic and also have issues related to trauma - actually I believe that autistic people suffer more due to trauma than neurotypical people, due to the differences in brain processing. We may not look like we have feelings, but we can actually have feelings that overwhelm us so much that we shut down.

You said: "We had both had difficult break ups with previous partners and initially had been quite guarded in showing our affection to each other.." So she probably got used to the relationship being that way, and finds it difficult to change. She may also have trust issues due to her previous relationship, and that might have put up barriers to openness with you.

It may help her to see a therapist or counsellor, and it may help her to find out whether she is on the autism spectrum and how this affects the way she processes things. But it's up to her to make that decision. If you suggest it, make sure your suggestions cannot be taken as criticism, and gently reassure her that you are genuinely concerned for her welfare. It might be best to do this in writing rather than verbally, then you can read through it and check it sounds ok before sending and it gives her a chance to absorb it without any pressure.I

Please remember that we forum members are not medical professionals, or trained therapists or counsellors. We just try to support others by giving our point of view. It's up to you to decide whether or how to use that advice. But I hope we've helped you.

I had said I thought her difficulties may have been as a result of her trauma with her previous partner. She denied this. I had thought about her being guarded initially and being unable to change although I had. Our focus was often on other things initially. Looking after her son as a family and doing up a house. As the children grew up and we had more time together we had more time to focus on teaching other.You are probably right that she was overwhelmed by her feelings. On the odd occasion I tried to talk to her she was very overwhelmed. 

It seemed impossible to raise anything with her the could be seen as criticism. I always tried to avoid criticism. She took a everything personally. 

I had said I thought her difficulties may have been as a result of her trauma with her previous partner. She denied this. I had thought about her being guarded initially and being unable to change although I had. Our focus was often on other things initially. Looking after her son as a family and doing up a house. As the children grew up and we had more time together we had more time to focus on teaching other.You are probably right that she was overwhelmed by her feelings. On the odd occasion I tried to talk to her she was very overwhelmed. 

It seemed impossible to raise anything with her the could be seen as criticism. I always tried to avoid criticism. She took a everything personally.