My partner

Hi and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear about your relationship issues, but I'm afraid I'm having a few problems fully understanding your situation.

As I interpret it, you think your wife is autistic, there are communication problems that make you feel pushed away and not cared for, she gets distressed if you try to discuss it and she hates confrontation?

You said:  "I can't believe that my wife just wasn't capable of doing what I found so easy." But I'm not sure what it is you are referring to - I take it you mean that you find it easy to share your feelings and talk about your son?

 You don't say how long you have been together, how recently her parents died or when you discovered your son was autistic. If these are relatively recent events, she may be struggling to process them. 

There are some articles on this website which might be useful for you - if you click or tap on the three lines at the top of this page, then choose "Advice and guidance" you will find lots of articles, some which may be relevant to your situation, such as these:

What is Autism? -

- Social communication and social interaction challenges

- Meltdowns & shutdowns

Behaviour -- Demand avoidance

Mental Health and wellbeing - Mental wellbeing - Autistic fatigue and burnout

Relationships and socialising - Family relationships - A guide for partners of autistic people.

I have not copied links to these articles in this post, as last time I did that I got moderated, but I'm sure you will be able to navigate to them yourself and I hope you find them of some help.

I wish you all the best.

Hi Thank you for your response.

I was with my wife 33 years.  I certainly felt cared for but I always felt a barrier between us that prevented us being close.

When her parents died ten years ago I wanted to be supportive, be close and support her. I was completely shut out and pushed away. I find being open, having the ability to talk about issues and my feelings very easy. She just never told me how she ever felt. Barely any feelings at all. I think of when we got married. Little if not no affection or emotion.

We had both had difficult break ups with previous partners and initially had been quite guarded in showing our affection to each other. With the birth of our daughter it opened up my desire to be closer and I became more and more aware of her inability to share any feelings. I wanted to be closer.

Am I wrong to tell think her inability to be open and communicate and show her feelings is not related to autism/Asperger's and perhaps it is related to her trauma of being abandoned in her first marriage with a newborn son and a house in negative equity or the lack of openness is just her.  

Partner_feels lost said:

Am I wrong to tell think her inability to be open and communicate and show her feelings is not related to autism/Asperger's and perhaps it is related to her trauma of

......to be honest sir.....yes, I think that would be wrong.....because from my perspective, if she were to be autistic, then there is EVERY REASON to suspect that her inability IS due to autism.

Disambiguation - I use capitals to emphasise, NOT to indicate that I am shouting at you.  I have no desire to do ANYTHING other than help you/explain myself from my own ND perspective.

PS....Sorry for jumping in Pixiefox....but I trust you will forgive me.

Thank you for your help.

Communication is always a two-way street.

Please do not attempt to extrapolate me from the confines of (hopefully helpful) advice to you and the issues with your wife that you chose to raise here.  My challenges and realities are my own and you know nothing of them......I immediately distrusted anyone who presumes otherwise.

I genuinely wish you well....but I'm tapping out at this point.  Good luck.

As a partner it is such a difficult journey wanting to help a person you love so much but you are unable to communicate with.

I'm glad you have understood yourself. Knowing that is a huge step forward and being able to share that with partners and people close to you is fantastic.

Perhaps.....you should tell her this WITHOUT forcing an expectation upon her.  FYI.....if someone had suggested to me that I was autistic, just 1 week before I realised for myself, then I would have laughed at them!  It has to come from within, and be greeted with acceptance ( in my opinion) or else it is of little use or consequence.

I think having some reassurance that she has autistic issues makes me rethink my desires of her communication and being more accepting and understanding. She is an intelligent women and wanted to have our son tested years ago..I very much doubt she wouldn't have thought she had neurological issues herself to have wanted our son checked out.  I am sure my wife struggled with her difficulties. For me knowing that, would make it easier to explore more about it and how to support her.

DON'T GIVE UP....if you AND her have the ability to look at your established "intractability" together, in a different light.  This might (conceiveably) be a complicated case of mis-communication/ lack of understanding.

Hi

Our daughter is 24 with a grandson 18 months and our son. (Stepson) is 35.

Time will tell. Sadly I am convinced it is over. 

Nor me brother!  I'm only a few years into this quagmire.....and for the avoidance of your doubt....I am akin to your wife, rather than you...but I can (quite literally) feel your pain....so perhaps (quite foreseeably) she can too.  My advice = DON'T give up easily on 33 years.....but also ACCEPT that perhaps someone was missing something FUNDEMENTAL, if it was possible to have that broken after all that time?  Therefore, 'someone' needs to fundamentally alter their perspective or their thinking on these matters.....and more probably, BOTH of yous need to rethink?!

Dude....I'm so sorry that you find yourself in a place that you feel COULD have been avoided....perhaps.  Notwithstanding that statement, I am of the opinion that 33 years of marriage doesn't just "happen" nor indeed "evaporate" either!!

You are both obviously connected in a pretty substantial way....so PLEASE don't run and presume that all is lost!  Just because something is a "bit broken", doesn't mean that it should be thrown away and discarded.

You have a child(OK, let's say young human at this Uni juncture)....so it is defo worth trying to figure things out to some extent....even if "re-coupling" is not on the cards.

I honestly believe that "Hope springs eternal."

Number. Thank you for your support. It is welcome. I just didn't have any knowledge or expertise in this area. 

• Oh That's great to hear that from someone who knows far more about this than me. It is all a bit late now and I feel guilty expecting something from her she was not able to give. I did feel I was trying to understand her behaviour without any support from anyone. It just shows what impact a lack of a diagnosis has. I wish I had looked at this site two or 3 years ago. 

Thanks mate.  I like safety/similarity in this scary box....and you deliver!

Thanks mate.  I like safety/similarity in this scary box....and you deliver!

Nor me brother!  I'm only a few years into this quagmire.....and for the avoidance of your doubt....I am akin to your wife, rather than you...but I can (quite literally) feel your pain....so perhaps (quite foreseeably) she can too.  My advice = DON'T give up easily on 33 years.....but also ACCEPT that perhaps someone was missing something FUNDEMENTAL, if it was possible to have that broken after all that time?  Therefore, 'someone' needs to fundamentally alter their perspective or their thinking on these matters.....and more probably, BOTH of yous need to rethink?!

Number. Thank you for your support. It is welcome. I just didn't have any knowledge or expertise in this area.