Published on 12, July, 2020
I am feeling like an absolutely terrible person at this point. It seems either autism or whatever makes me seem like a curt, selfish, and odd person. Looking back, I feel like so many people likely "tolerated" me. I've never been able to maintain a healthy long term relationship or really any friendship. I fear pushing my children away and siblings away. My parents already do not speak to me. I thought I was just an overally emotional person that people didn't understand, but now it feels so out of my ability to control. I fear my life will be filled of more loneliness and isolation. I am very unsure of myself. I also do not know if I can feel love. I remember writing a poem in my teens about how elusive love is. I currently have a partner and he asks why I do not seem to be sure if he loves me. I don't feel loved because I don't know how to feel. I know this is not how everyone presents with autism, but this is how I feel.
Has anyone else started to realize how terrible they are after an autism diagnosis? Were you able to turn it around?
The inability to recognize your own emotions may be alexythimia, often present with autism. Do you have any therapist? If not, maybe it would be good to try. i myself often struggle to identify what I actually feel. It often takes me weeks months or even years to identify what I felt in certain situations. Do you use the emotion wheel? Maybe your feeling if not being loved has something to do with some trauma. I think it’s worth to look into it if you haven’t tried yet.
Thank you