Published on 12, July, 2020
This one is an unusual one for me personally. All my life I have loved make up. Yes there has been negative aspects of me wearing it because I've either subconsciously tried to fit in with society or felt naked if I don't wear it and then that has caused me extreme distress. I've been wearing make up every day no matter what since the age of 13 (even if I didn't go out). But now I find myself in a strange sense of territory. I hate makeup, not the look, I love bold in your face coloured lipsticks with jet black eye shadows and thick black eye liner circling my eyes. However in the last year I have found I hate wearing makeup. The very feel on my face makes me feel like I am being suffocated, the desire to get it off my face immediately when I can. I love the feeling of being outside and the rain can touch my skin, I can rub my eyes in the sun, wipe the sweat off my head and not worry because I have makeup on. It's like my whole sensory experience has changed recently.
I feel me when I wear it, but I feel free when I don't. I was identified as Autistic late last year at 36 so wondering whether this is all part of subconsciously demasking. It's all strange though because makeup never made me feel suffocated before and now I just cannot wait to get rid of it off my skin. Like I said, that free feeling I have is amazing and almost liberating.
Is it possible makeup is now my sensory hell, certainly feels like it.
For me it was always an issue but even subconsciously I tried my best to fit in, but I was always annoyed by the “stupid” make up, jewelry and clothes made of light fabric often with some frills or other decorative elements that brush my skin. I always hated them and I didn’t know why. Tan was absolutely intolerable for me, especially from the studio. I hated the smell of my own skin I literally wanted to get rid of my own skin. I didn’t know why I’m freaking out about things that others seem to be totally fine with. Now I know. So I tried once and never again even if I hear comments that I would look better if I tan, that I should take care more of myself. Well I take care of myself but I’m a way that for NTs makes no sense. So when I realized that make up and other annoying stuff do t actually help me to fit in and the problem is deeper in me, I just stopped. So I’m happily natural and I always say, if someone dislikes me this way, they are free to look somewhere else.
I like that end sentence and I agree.