Published on 12, July, 2020
This one is an unusual one for me personally. All my life I have loved make up. Yes there has been negative aspects of me wearing it because I've either subconsciously tried to fit in with society or felt naked if I don't wear it and then that has caused me extreme distress. I've been wearing make up every day no matter what since the age of 13 (even if I didn't go out). But now I find myself in a strange sense of territory. I hate makeup, not the look, I love bold in your face coloured lipsticks with jet black eye shadows and thick black eye liner circling my eyes. However in the last year I have found I hate wearing makeup. The very feel on my face makes me feel like I am being suffocated, the desire to get it off my face immediately when I can. I love the feeling of being outside and the rain can touch my skin, I can rub my eyes in the sun, wipe the sweat off my head and not worry because I have makeup on. It's like my whole sensory experience has changed recently.
I feel me when I wear it, but I feel free when I don't. I was identified as Autistic late last year at 36 so wondering whether this is all part of subconsciously demasking. It's all strange though because makeup never made me feel suffocated before and now I just cannot wait to get rid of it off my skin. Like I said, that free feeling I have is amazing and almost liberating.
Is it possible makeup is now my sensory hell, certainly feels like it.
I don't think it's any accident that many women refer to putting "their face on" when they make thier faces up, we talk about a lot of faces, our game face etc, but rarely our real face, our naked selves. I think there is an element of masking in make-up, we hide behind it, smooth out our wrinkles enhance our eyes and lips and go even further with cosmetic procedures like botox and fillers.
I think you are finding a need to be your authentic self in the world, which I think can only be a good thing, although some others may disagree. On a wider scale who or what are we hiding from, why do we need these masks? Not just autistic people but women in general, because it is mostly women who wear make-up. I can't wear it because of allergies and some peoples reactions to me and my naked face have been quite strange, some praising me for my "natural beauty", others telling me the opposite and all points in between. I think it effects job interviews no make-up is seen as not caring about yourself and being underdressed and ultimately not the image the company wants to project.
I think I'm thankful for the fact I don't go outside with a full on panic attack thinking everyone will be staring at me because I have no makeup on. Because I'm loving the free feeling I'm now getting. I've even gone outside with the odd acne breakout and not tried cover it up.