Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all. I honestly just need to vent and have absolutely no one who gets it and hoping someone here might.
Some background: I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 21 and been taking medication for that a bit after. I was starting to feel a bit better, started university and doing well there. So, I recently went to Canada alone to visit family. I honestly thought I had prepared everything possible for my brain. I packed so many activities for the plane and I knew the family quite well since we’ve visited 2 times before as a kid. But only 4 hours into the plane journey and anxiety hit. And oh my goodness, this trip was not it. AT ALL!! I was constantly anxious, like out of body. I could not for the life of me relax, even with family. I constantly felt like I had to hide my anxiety and true feelings from them. I really missed my mum, her presence. And I missed my room and my tiny town - all stuff that I was (kind of) excited to leave for a little bit.
Now, why am I here on a website for autism? My doctor who suggested screening for ADHD, mentioned briefly autism to me. I could see some things that I identified with before this trip but on the internet there is so much information and became so confused. Like, with those images that show that autism and ADHD overlaps. So then I kept convincing myself that I probably don’t have autism because of that. You know, that I’m thinking too much.
Anyways, in desperation after this trip I was doing some thinking and reading autistic criteria (now this always makes me nervous telling people because I never want people to think that I think of autism lightly and throw it around casually) and I just couldn’t help recognize the signs of autistic burnout in myself especially after this trip. Now, what I’m experiencing right now (increased anxiety, hypersensitive, anger bursts - sorry mum - and tiredness), Ive experienced a few times in life. When things were mounting because of GCSE exams. I used to get so anxious about exams and friends, the doctor just said it was anxiety. I could not keep friends and the one friend I did have at the beginning of secondary school, I managed to ruin the whole thing so I ended up with three different groups until school was done. The second time the anxiety got worse was when we were moving house and had to live in a tiny hotel room for like 4 months and that was during the A Level year. I even passed out (but at least I passed my driving test the next day, I guess). I always hated moving house and I remember always having to be off school because I got dizzy spells and felt I’ll during those times. And then before lockdown, I kept putting so much pressure on myself to fit in with the people I was hanging out with, to keep up with what I was told to do.
ah I don’t even know if this makes any sense. There are even more experiences that I’ve had that I can’t even fit on here.
I don’t know how to navigate the potential of having autism. From what I read on here, the experiences I face feel so well explained by autism. I’m always scared of appearing like another person who thinks they have autism. It’s exactly how I felt about ADHD too. I really just want to find people who might have had similar experiences to me. Some people to talk about the things I’m going through because family simply do not understand neurodiversity and I feel trapped without anyone to talk to.
Hello dad1967 I have too only been diagnosed at the age of 41 with both ADHD and ASD and I suspect there are a few additional conditions not officially diagnosed! I can see it through my entire family tree especially now the younger generation are receiving their diagnosis including my own children.
Most of us have been fraught with anxiety and mental illness throughout our lives due to what I now know was our undiagnosed conditions. Neurodivergence has now become my special interest so I would love to hear about your book and life experience.
Hmm, this is interesting. I think I need to read this a couple of times to really understand it. Thank you for this!
Thank you for the kind words Anna
'I want to know the inner workings of my brain'
An environment of anxiety triggers 3 utterly predictable developmental differences in the brain. These are:
an enlarged Amygdala up to double normal size, an enlarged prefrontal cortex with up 65% more short range connections and finally a reduction in long range connectivity between the prefrontal cortex and the back of the brain.
The Amygdala is like an antenna for social phobias. The triggers for becoming overwhelmed and having melt downs are always to do with social interaction. The deepest fear is abandonment. The faintest hint of feeling disliked can trigger high emotion.
the prefrontal cortex is the seat of our humanity. The whole nervous system feeds into the prefrontal cortex and produces conscious awareness. In a very real sense we are less the x men and more the uber humans. If we define intelligence as self organizing pattern recognition then we are the intelligent ones although we often think of ourselves as idiots.
All the processing of other people is at the back of the brain and feeds into the medial prefrontal cortex via long range connectivity which we don't have much of. The feeling of being different, weird and an outsider comes from the lack of long range connectivity.
'How can I be more realistic in setting up a life that works for me rather than doing what works for others (especially since I’m worried about navigating the world without my parents, especially mum)?'
Your mum realizes what has happened and is probably trying to make amends. The circumstances that bring about autism are nobodies fault, least of all mothers. But parents often blame themselves. I know I did and it brought me to my knees. But the most wonderful discovery is that we can rewire our brain through meditation. We can forge long range connectivity and create a life filled with love rather than become increasingly isolated and lonely. Over time we can shrink the Amygdala and become very calm and confident people. But it takes time and guidance.
'masking and people pleasing' - this is a direct consequence of fear of abandonment. It afflicts girls more than boys and is why fewer girls get diagnosed.
If you would like to know more it is my pleasure to help
Ashley
Yeah, I am so desperate to understand what is happening. I want to know the inner workings of my brain. I’m going to get an ASD assessment some point soon. It’s just fitting it all around school and work.
I would be so interested to read your book. We need more credible information out there about neurodiversity. There just is not enough well-researched stuff, only anecdotal, and whilst I love that because it makes me feel a sense of community and less alone, I also find it difficult when I feel that I don’t fit into certain boxes.
I went to the doctor who got me to get my ADHD assessment and she suggested the same for autism because she recognizes some traits that I have at the moment especially during this burnout.
I think if I could, I’d like to know:
1. What are my triggers for overwhelm, meltdowns?
2. How can I be more realistic in setting up a life that works for me rather than doing what works for others (especially since I’m worried about navigating the world without my parents, especially mum)?
I find so much comfort though hearing your experiences and seeing you be so open and wanting to help. Thank you so much! I wonder if you have any answers to some of those questions - of course, only if you feel comfortable sharing. Are there common triggers that after so many years of masking and people pleasing that I’ve just become blind to?
Interesting. when you are ready, please remind me and I'd be glad to read such a thing.
Hello I Sperg,
I just read your 'about you' which is funny and inciteful and connects with me.
I would definitely like you to have a dekko.. I am like you in that I would like to share and help the younger ones. What do you recommend I do with this book? My thesis is below:
'Autism is epigenetic and entirely brought about by the environment. If mum is anxious this triggers a genetic app within the standard human genome that leads to a developmental brain difference that may lead to disorderly autism in extreme cases. The genes that are triggered, or caused to express, exist within the normal human genome because they have been selected to do so over tens of millions of years of evolution, since way before humans existed, since the first social mammals.'
The rest of the book so far presents evidence to support this idea.
I think I'd like a dekko too, when you are ready to share widely!
dear Anna,
I am so glad to get a reply from you thank you!
It is indeed hard when feeling overwhelmed by sensory input because it is high anxiety and feels like pure suffering. When I was at my lowest point which was only a year and a half ago, I was using a sharp kitchen knife to slice the skin on my shoulders and draw blood. I didn't want to harm myself exactly, but I discovered that I could swap the anxiety for physical pain for a while by doing this, and could gain a comforting feeling of control. I didn't really care if I was damaging myself because in my mind I was doing what I need to survive long enough to sell my house and get a will drawn up before ending it.
I am definitely not recommending self harm to you because the fact that you are here and asking for help means you are not in such a bad place as I was in 2022. Instead of ending it I bought a modest flat mortgage free and also downsized my career and have made a mission out of understanding what is going on. I believe I have discovered the truth and have cracked the code for happiness.
It is great that you want to understand because for me understanding has been the key to transcending the suffering of anxiety. I am half way through writing a book about the origins of autism and healing from social anxiety. It is in Microsoft word format at the moment. I would love to share it with you and get some feedback?
Trust me you can create a life that is perfect for you and never suffer burnout again.
Kind Regards,
Thank you so much for this kind message. I so appreciate it! It’s been so hard navigating all these feelings and so hard not being able to reach the things that I see everyone around me my age reaching. It scares me honestly. See, it’s hard at the moment where every sensory input pushes me over but I so desperately want to do and see so many things. I want this burnout to end because they always have eventually - I’m just impatient!
I would really appreciate your insights. I want to understand and how to create a life that works so I’m not constantly going through these cycles of burnout. Thank you so much!
Dear Anna,
I have literally just joined this site and your wonderfully open and honest post is the first I have read thank you!
I am a 56 YO engineer and father of 5 children; 3 of whom are diagnosed with autism.
My entire life has been one long panic attack characterized by relationship carnage and narcissism. But recently my inner world has been transformed and I exist in a state of permanent bliss and deep equanimity.
There is so much I feel I could tell you to help and if you would like I will be glad to help.
For now I just want you to know that your feelings of anxiety are a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. There is nothing wrong with you at all. There is nothing wrong with your genes. You are very much not alone.
Thank you, I’ll look into that. Thank you so much!
Hi, thank you so much. I really appreciate it!
Aspergerstestsite.com offers a private simple test that scored teh same for me as the official test.
Then you'll most likely get a better idea of where you stand re: Autism.
Don't worry, you can still have a rich interesting and fullfilling life with Autism.
(It'll just be really annoying and hard work a lot of the time.. ;c)
Edit: Sorry didn't read that this was in the W&G section. I'l take it down if you want.
Hello @Anna
Welcome to the NAS community and thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope you manage to connect with people who have experienced this and feel well supported here.
All the best,
ChloeMod