Hi all. I honestly just need to vent and have absolutely no one who gets it and hoping someone here might.
Some background: I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 21 and been taking medication for that a bit after. I was starting to feel a bit better, started university and doing well there. So, I recently went to Canada alone to visit family. I honestly thought I had prepared everything possible for my brain. I packed so many activities for the plane and I knew the family quite well since we’ve visited 2 times before as a kid. But only 4 hours into the plane journey and anxiety hit. And oh my goodness, this trip was not it. AT ALL!! I was constantly anxious, like out of body. I could not for the life of me relax, even with family. I constantly felt like I had to hide my anxiety and true feelings from them. I really missed my mum, her presence. And I missed my room and my tiny town - all stuff that I was (kind of) excited to leave for a little bit.
Now, why am I here on a website for autism? My doctor who suggested screening for ADHD, mentioned briefly autism to me. I could see some things that I identified with before this trip but on the internet there is so much information and became so confused. Like, with those images that show that autism and ADHD overlaps. So then I kept convincing myself that I probably don’t have autism because of that. You know, that I’m thinking too much.
Anyways, in desperation after this trip I was doing some thinking and reading autistic criteria (now this always makes me nervous telling people because I never want people to think that I think of autism lightly and throw it around casually) and I just couldn’t help recognize the signs of autistic burnout in myself especially after this trip. Now, what I’m experiencing right now (increased anxiety, hypersensitive, anger bursts - sorry mum - and tiredness), Ive experienced a few times in life. When things were mounting because of GCSE exams. I used to get so anxious about exams and friends, the doctor just said it was anxiety. I could not keep friends and the one friend I did have at the beginning of secondary school, I managed to ruin the whole thing so I ended up with three different groups until school was done. The second time the anxiety got worse was when we were moving house and had to live in a tiny hotel room for like 4 months and that was during the A Level year. I even passed out (but at least I passed my driving test the next day, I guess). I always hated moving house and I remember always having to be off school because I got dizzy spells and felt I’ll during those times. And then before lockdown, I kept putting so much pressure on myself to fit in with the people I was hanging out with, to keep up with what I was told to do.
ah I don’t even know if this makes any sense. There are even more experiences that I’ve had that I can’t even fit on here.
I don’t know how to navigate the potential of having autism. From what I read on here, the experiences I face feel so well explained by autism. I’m always scared of appearing like another person who thinks they have autism. It’s exactly how I felt about ADHD too.
I really just want to find people who might have had similar experiences to me. Some people to talk about the things I’m going through because family simply do not understand neurodiversity and I feel trapped without anyone to talk to.
