More challenging with age

Since taking early retirement, my levels of anxiety have dropped significantly. I also have two neurodivergent children, but both are now adult and, following university, starting to make their own lives.

Autonomistic said:

For those of us who have only discovered our autistic identity later in life I think part of that involves allowing ourselves permission to be ourselves for what feels like the first time in our life. I certainly am less willing to comply with how society thinks things should be done.

Yes, i feel that i have pushed myself for so long while feeling so tired and head fog, that now knowing im autistic, gives me permission as i have got older to rest, because if i dont, i will be poorly. I want so much to have a rewarding job, some days i feel that i can do it, then bam, a reminder of how fatigued i am x

I'm comfortable in my own skin and am happy with who I am and I agree that this has gone with age BUT my anxiety is overwhelming these days a 54 year old menopausal woman with two neurodivergent children and a llack of support...  arghhhhh ‍♀️

I hope that life becomes easier for you sooner rather than later, Danny. 

I'm nearing thirty and my autism is a lot more challenging than it was ten years ago but a lot is going on in my life now... I'm trying to succeed in the workplace, having to socialise most days, deal with my parents ill health, it's a lot to process and cope with when you're Autistic.

SO TRUE!!!

Yes, I feel the same but my neurotypical colleagues at work also report the same thing. It must just be part of getting older.

What you have written has resonated so much with me- it has been quite revelatory actually. My 5.5 year old has just had her initial assessment appointment and the paediatrician has said he feels confident she is autistic (although diagnosis is still quite a process to go through) and asked if I had considered getting assessed too. Wondering if I am autistic has been something that has always sat at back of my mind since I trained as a teacher and we had a session on autism and then sitting through subsequent inset day sessions on autism over the years but for various reasons I never thought I could or should pursue diagnosis. I think with what is.happenong with my daughter I should also look at myself. Since reaching my 30s and having children I have definitely found day to day life harder. I put it down to motherhood, pregnancy hormones, the invisible domestic load women so often carry in marriage etc. However as you've phrased : my executive function is shot. Even list making isn't always working for me. I am frequently irritable with overlapping auditory sounds (hard to avoid as a secondary school teacher and mum to 2 kids 5 and under). I have had a GAD diagnosis since my early 20s and the Dr my daughter saw said psychiatrists training now are being told to look to rule out autism for patients coming to them with diagnosis of anxiety disorders and depression because they recognise how many- women especially- are missed in childhood because they've been able to successfully mask. Anyway thank you for what you wrote because it has helped clarify for me that I should pursue assessment for myself. 

Welcome 

Gremlin said:

I think someone posted a link a while ago to a paper on this but I lost the tab (I usually keep dozens open) and can't find the conversation again.

This might be the conversation you thinking of.

https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/35259/overwhelm-fatigue-and-acceptance/342126#342126

The document I linked is about managing the sensory environment for younger autists but it does include an interesting section showing how resilience to sensory input declines as we age. 

I have certainly felt that being autistic is becoming more challenging as I get older. My sensory tolerance has reduced drastically and coping strategies no longer seem to work as they used to. I can no longer suppress meltdowns like I used to be able to. I can no longer multitask at all or cope with multiple auditory input sources at once. My executive function is shot to pieces and I have to keep lists for everything.

I have spent a lifetime unknowingly masking, in an attempt to meet the expectations of others and the unwritten social rules. All my efforts have resulted in multiple burnouts. Burnouts can cause regression and finding that things we used to be able to do become much harder or impossible.

For autistic women there is also the impact of menopause to consider, something there has been very little research on. I don't think is was a coincidence that my severe burnout in my 30s coincided with a premature menopause.

https://www.spectrumnews.org/opinion/autism-and-menopause-qa-with-rachel-moseley-and-julie-turner-cobb/

For those of us who have only discovered our autistic identity later in life I think part of that involves allowing ourselves permission to be ourselves for what feels like the first time in our life. I certainly am less willing to comply with how society thinks things should be done.

Having been diagnosed later in life and given my 30 years in supermarket retailing, living in a socially deprived area of Manchester for 21 years and as an older Irish gay man, being raised a Catholic in Rural Ireland, I definitely agree with this when I look at children and young people now, but especially in the last 10-15 years before Covid - in the post-Covid era, these challenges are going to get much tougher for all of us, young and old alike - our parents generation are largely responsible for much of this, as they failed to heed the warnings from our grandparents generation, before our grandparents passed in the 1980’s, because our parents allowed themselves to be deceived and manipulated, giving away their power in the process and making us by extension far less powerful to effect real and meaningful change in our society - once we moved out of the confusion of our teenage years, as we began to experience real life for ourselves, we began to realise that our grandparents were correct all along, as we witnessed the terrible price that our parents generation paid for their folly in their later lives before their own passing - those of my own generation who are parents of very young children themselves in my extended family and friends have expressed similar concerns - the actual babies of today face the toughest challenges yet if they manage to reach their teenage years and if they make it to adulthood and they will certainly not have the (relative) freedoms that we had growing up in the 1970’s & 1980’s, even the 1990’s as children and teenagers 

I found the exact opposite. I hated being a teenager, I was paralysed by self-consciousness. My twenties were not much better, but after thirty I gradually gained in self confidence and by the time I was 50 I was largely comfortable in my own skin. 

I'm 42 tomorrow. I was diagnosed as autistic last year. Life for me is the most difficult it has ever been - work tires me out (mentally more than physically) and the wider, political problems in the world gnaw away to the point that despair threatens to become a permanent state.

Im glad you are asking this question, as i too am experiencing the same. 

I am 43 and have been with my wife since i was 26. She gets frustrated and sometimes cross with me because i seem to be able to deal with life less than i used to. 

She almost accused me of using autism as an excuse to 'cherry pick' at life. So its a comfort to hear that im not doing that, even subconsciously and others are finding the same issues. 

Desmond79 said:

I feel that, whenever we were young, our society encouraged us to make poor lifestyle choices.

We had it easy compared to the young ones today...

Gremlin said:

I feel like I can just no longer be the one to put my energy into things.

I think this explains why it is getting difficult. You are stopping putting in the effort you once did.

My experience is that life required energy input all the way until the grim reaper comes for you - once you stop trying then it starts getting worse and worse.

Gremlin said:

Why should I be making such a huge effort all the time for other people's lives to be so easy. 

For the same reason you may expect others (your partner perhaps) to make an effort for you. Any sort of interaction is a two way situation and if you don't put in any effort then soon enough the other party(ies) will do the same and stuff starts to get hard.

I find that I have less energy; to function. Plus, my meds make me sleep longer than I need.

I feel that, whenever we were young, our society encouraged us to make poor lifestyle choices. Now, the Health Bubble exploded, and we feel desperate.

My symptoms certainly have got worse since a mental breakdown in my mid 30s, then the hormonal disruptions of perimenopause, menopause and post-menopause.

I am now late 60s and very late diagnosed.