Struggling to accept myself

It's difficult. I accept my autism but I do not particularly like myself. I'm not sure whether I'd get rid of my autism and ADHD though because what if it took good things away as well as bad. I don't know who'd I'd be without it. Admittedly, there are days where I'd do anything for it to be taken away.

I am open about my autism with people that know but I'm not good at telling people. I'm not ashamed of being autistic but I feel awkward telling people and worried about how they'd react.

I was diagnosed back in March, And at first, I was happy to know that I have Autism because it answered a lot of questions about myself in the past, But then a few weeks after that, it started to hit me a little while. I wasn't sure how to come to terms with it, But I am slowly beginning to accept myself and I hope you can do the same for yourself.  

Hello friend- I know it's been a month since you posted, but I hope you're doing well. I'm the same age as you, but I didn't get diagnosed until I was 23. I think for me, what helped was the understanding. For my entire life, I'd always thought there was something wrong with me. That I must be a weird or unloveable person, that I was missing something that everyone else had. I felt really bad about and for myself. But when I found out I had autism, it was almost like a relief- there was nothing wrong with me, there never was. I wasn't crazy or attention seeking for feeling 'different' and 'out of place'. I was valid. I had been valid all along, what I had been wrestling with in my soul for 15+ years had finally been answered. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle with some of what comes with autism. The social skills (or lack thereof) the loneliness, wishing that simple things for others weren't so difficult for me. But once I realized that I had it, I found I was able to start being kind to myself. I was able to start the long (and still in progress) journey of someday even loving myself. And I'd never felt that before, and it feels really amazing.

"I'm grateful for my diagnosis because it allows me to understand my past experiences better and forgive myself." - Yes! Such an important statement (yours not mine!)

I accept myself.Knowing I have autism and how it effects me helps me to at least understand myself even thouugh at times I hate it.I am gradually learning to accept myself...hope you can too x

I'm 22 I was diagnosed at 21 and am going through a similar time. I feel quite inadequate and stupid and am experiencing serious skill regression. I'm really burnt out, unemployed and have no idea what sort of job I can work without being burnt out. One thing that has helped me is realizing that every thing I think is for a reason and is not an original thought, anyone in my position would think the same things. It makes complete sense that you'd speak to yourself really negatively and assume that it's some unique problem specifically wrong with you if your whole life that's what you've been told. The voice in your head echoes what you've been taught and what you've experienced but getting an autism diagnosis means you need to rewrite the whole experience. Look back on things you struggled with or times you've been harsh to yourself and ask yourself what really happened there? Try looking at it with an autism lens and imagine it's an autistic friend going through whatever the experience is. Try be compassionate and see that you're always doing your best with what you've got. I remember times where I've called people names and been really aggressive and I use to feel shame and always thought I was born irrationally angry but now I look back and feel sorry for myself because I was so overwhelmed with noises and didn't know what to do. I'm grateful for my diagnosis because it allows me to understand my past experiences better and forgive myself. As for telling other people about being autistic I think why would I want to be friends with someone who judges people for being autistic? Why would that persons opinion matter to me they sound daft. I've found sometimes telling people I'm autistic means I get to meet more autistic people and I normally really get on with autistic people. Saying that I haven't told everyone in my life yet and it's all still a working progress. 

I am choosing carefully, who i tell, that i am autistic. I think the reason for this is a worry that i will be jumped on.... oh your not autistic, oh everyone wants to be autistic, which happened to me. But i am shocked at the amount of people who are saying....my sister, my daughter, i am autistic, i think i am autistic. It is opening up a whole conversation and sharing experiences. I think a lot of people are reluctant to speak about it. Maybe take a chance with those that you feel comfortable with, you may be pleasantly suprised. I think by doing this, you will realise that there are more of "us" than we think and it is very likely that you will be encouraging others too. That gives a whole new perspective on it and gradually help to embrace who we are x

Hi there! I completely understand how you are feeling. I too realised I was autistic in my late teens and at first felt very embarrassed, worrying a lot about whether people would perceive me differently if I told them, or if they somehow found out. What really helped me is telling a few of my close friends at first and having a conversation about how I didn’t want to be perceived differently. My friends are really supportive and have plans in place for when I go into sensory overload, get overwhelmed in public etc. I find now (and I completely get that this is not always possible) that telling people off the bat that I am autistic - dropping it into conversations - means that I am not left worrying how people would perceive me if they knew I was autistic. It also helps me to ascertain whether it is worth being friends with someone. I think also just having positive self talk (granted, this is something I am still working on) and reminding myself that I can do hard things and recognizing that, whilst I do struggle because of my brain, it helps to me to see the world in a really beautiful way and to be creative. Although I would say I definitely accept myself much more than when I first found out I was autistic, there are times when I do struggle to accept myself (and get angry at my brain) and I think that, during these times, it is vital to give yourself some grace. I also like to make myself a list of all the things I love about my autistic brain (as corny as this sounds). I hope this helps you (or any other people reading this) in any way 

I'm 41 and was officially diagnosed as autistic in August. i received my assessment report last week, and it made me feel terrible (my conversation is one-sided, apparently, which I thought was an expecation for an autism assessment about...me!) I work 5 days a week and find it really hard sometimes. I accept myself by remembering that I'm loved by my family. Also, I try to be grateful for things like my strong sense of justice and creativity. But being autistic is most definitely a challenge, no matter what traits you have or where you are on the spectrum, hence the need for communities like this one. Keep sharing and talking.

Nicely put Autumn Trees.  I have had the same experiences and I agree wholly with your advice and comment to 90499.

Hi there, 

I can only speak from my own perspective. I am 12 years older than you, and only recently diagnosed. I don't feel embarrassed about being autistic, but I am selective about who I will tell. 

With regards to work - I worked full time most of my life until I reached total burnout stage and had to take a lot of time off sick. You don't want to get into that position if you can help it. If you can afford to work part time that might be a good way to avoid going into burnout yourself. 

Don't feel stupid writing to us here - everyone is here to help :)