Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey I’m 22 (F) 23 in 2 months, in a relationship with a 35 (m)
He’s got 2 kids 11(m) and 9(m) that stay with us 1 day a week not a lot I know. But I feel like a parent all the time if I’m not helping look after the boys I’m basically taking care of my partner. I cook I clean I do the washing I support him financially.
Im seeing a youth worker at the moment and she thinks I’ll be better off away from him as our relationship isn’t the best. I’m really struggling but at the same time I don’t want to leave him. I do love him and he says he loves me. But there are issues. He seems to think that a relationship is 75% bedroom visits (if you know what I mean) whereas I’m not interested in that what’s so ever and I don’t feel the same way. These aren’t our only issues but it’s the one that crops up the most often. Am I wrong? is there something wrong with me? Has anyone else felt this way? Am I harming him more by being this way? Thanks
You should definitely feel like equals in a relationship. You should connect and enjoy your time with each other, sex is just the added bonus on top!
Just think about it this way… if you took the sex out of the equation, do you think you’d still be together?
We haven’t in a while and we still are but he says he feels like our relationship is more like room mates and that hurts my feelings a little bit
Yeah that sounds like he’s trying to guilt you :/ I feel like you deserve a lot better.
andi said:I know it sounds like I’m putting obstacles in the way all the time but this is all stuff I have tried
I think I've said enough. You know my thoughts and you have echoed all but the decision that is necessary to free you of the situation you are in.
While it is noble to be there for him you know he is not reciprocating on any front of consequence.
I hope there is a change of situation and you find things get better - my thoughts and best wishes for your happiness are with you,
For course I understand that it will be difficult when the time eventually comes because no one lasts forever but he won’t even book his own car in for an MOT. His dad has a council house it goes back to them. So yes he’d need to find somewhere to live but the idea was to have a house together in about 5-6 years. But he’s not saved a penny and keeps going further and further into debt and I have to keep bailing him out. He had no reason to get a loan other than he said he was sick of having no money. If he had waited 2 months just 2 he’d be 100 quid better off every month. But he’s never willing to wait. I recognised from a young age if you can’t afford it don’t risk it wait until you can. But I try to explain that to him but he won’t listen.
I have given him 1 so far and he’s not done it. I asked him to hoover the bedroom every Wednesday and I’ll do it every Saturday. Because I have eczema I suffer with really dry skin and it flakes off and becomes dust naturally. He said why? Does it really need it twice a week? Why can’t you just do it Saturdays. We tried the cooking thing be says he can’t be bothered and just goes with out and says he’s hungry the next morning. He won’t even think of what he wants even when I offer to cook it. All I get is I’ll eat anything so I throw in a couple of ideas and all I get is no don’t fancy that. So i do get quite frustrated with him.
he won’t let me touch his phone he’s very protective of that
I know it sounds like I’m putting obstacles in the way all the time but this is all stuff I have tried
andi said:Personally I think his dad is trying to teach him that he’s not going to be around forever
Can you imagine the state he would get into if he had his fathers death to deal with (and possibly handling the estate) on top of his current issues?
Maybe an approach is to give him some straightforward goals to achieve to start with as the basis of you staying. This will give a pretty good indication if he is willing to flex just a little to start with to maybe cook 5 days a week instead of getting take aways, get to the gym 3 days a week, put screen time limits on his escape into the phone etc.
You could sell it as it being a way for him to help himself and make him more attractive to you.
You will need to pick the challenges well and not make new ones too often but it should give an indication if he has any will left to do more than be a sponge.