Published on 12, July, 2020
Good morning,
I am new here.
I am 42 and on route to be assessed. I believe I have just realised for the very first time in my life that I had a meltdown yesterday. I have had that feeling of being lost and sucked in my emotions many times for various reasons but was never able to give it a name.
Yesterday I was overwhelmed by some information that was given to me and I felt like being in a whirlpool of emotions I could not recognise. I could not work properly, I was in autopilot mode as I had to look after my boys and my dear friend who was here with her children for a playdate. All I wanted to do was disappear and I could not control what I was saying or how much I was saying. It all passed once I managed to calm down but it took lots of talking and some tears to regain some inner peace. All that was left was me feeling tired and drained.
Now, I wonder if that is what a meltdown could be? I know we are all different and that I do not need to be autistic to feel overwhelmed but maybe that could explain the way I feel sometimes?!
Apologies if some that I have written doesn't make sense. English is not my first language.
Thank you for your help.
Nana
Yes it’s hard to control. As a teenager I used to have horrible meltdowns (fully out of control) if something was missing in my belongings. My room was spotless and I used to check everyday once if everything is on its place. If something was missing, there was meltdown even if I didn’t need the item at that time. Only recently I realised these reactions were meltdowns and related to autism as I also found other autistic people having very similar experience. Yesterday it was extremely hard for me to control myself at work. I got a task which I usually like - stock merchandising in the store. But yesterday I was sent to an area where some stupid device with a screen flashed and played some ads. All the time the same thing. I swear I wanted to grab a hammer and break it. I was so close to explode I couldn’t concentrate on anything because this sound and flashing banners made it impossible to concentrate and gave me headache. To calm down I started hitting my head with fist. It worked. But I had to make sure that there are no customers or colleagues around. For sure they would think that I’m crazy. Yeah, this little device made me almost crazy. It also works for me to just press my forehead and move my head on sides. Now, when I know why I have such reactions, it’s easier for me to calm down. I repeat myself “it’s just me, my reaction”. I also try to avoid the trigger, whenever possible. Not always of course. But I stopped checking on my belongings if they are there. The only things that currently cause me huge stress if they are missing are ear plugs and sunglasses. I also couldn’t calm down and it was huge flood of emotions at the moment, when I realised that the description of Asperger syndrome is a description of me and my life. I had to throw myself a high pressure shower to calm down. I also like to cover myself fully with a thick blanket.