Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi!
So I’m a 34year old women who was first diagnosed with borderline personality disorder which now is generally called emotionally unstable personality disorder at 18 yrs old but I never felt I ‘fitted’ into that box so to speak but I did have some traits. I always felt it was my social communication that I struggled with, so I was referred to a speak therapist and then an autism referral and last week was diagnosed as having autism.
To cut a long story short, i wanted to see if anyone else was diagnosed with EUPD before getting an autism diagnosis? And if much has changed with regards to your mental health support or medication?
I've heard on repeat occasion it's common for Females to be misdiagnosed with personality or emotional "disorders" when they're actually Autistic, ADHD or a combination of sort.
I used to just break down in tears all the time for lack of internal access to vocabulary and lack of an ability to call out or express what I could see. The frustration was one thing. But real hard social blocks, real rejection, real poverty issues, real stuff without access to a diagnostic and continually feeling misheard, misunderstood... it creates a REAL emotional response and an appropriate one, but also very emotional. The confusion of the world around me, plus my inability to articulate was so impactful I appeared completely unstable. Putting a bit of biological health in order was a first step. Then learning tools to begin to remove myself from toxic situations, create boundaries, a next. The Artists Way helped me learn to listen to myself a bit more. Small accessible disciplines: writing, running, things which didn't cost anything. I found a church group for a bit interested in well-being. And slowly I began to just go to the library and read. What I had known about Autism was so little it sounded the same as Downs.
The difference with how Autistics use language, that we're potentially using a wider nuero- 'circuitry', if not just a different part of our brain, and our neural wirings aren't hyper-connected like our Neurotypical peers has an impact in Modern Society in a way it really hasn't had prior to around 1970-80. Socio-economic impact from the shifts in Western society change values, beliefs and language. if I use language as a utility function, rather than with all the added symbols and nuances, there is a problem in communicating and receiving because matters will be lost in translation. This can impact internal dialogue (which I don't have, just images and music), I have difficulty expressing my needs and understanding social rules (which I won't have received to some degree). This impacts ability to learn, education, get a job, and such. Humans aren't a good fit for continual rejection or isolation, so someone in this situation will have little to no grounding, be completely unstable, and emotions are a 'felt' response or 'expression' of core understanding + real or perceived impact. I say perceived because how many times have I been misinterpreted and the others emotional response was offence?
To top all this off, I didn't realise I couldn't identify my emotions properly until I landed in a therapists office around 30 for a few sessions. But it would take another 10 years to learn how that impacted and affected me.
I can honestly say now nearly 50, the more I've learned about how society operates, or certain unspoken expectations, how to be in and invest in a friendship, how to have something to give or express my genuine feelings for others, the less rejection I've experienced. And that means a little less unknown frustration, a little more ability to navigate, make informed choices, how to learn and grow, which helps with personal integration of the self. I don't cry that much any more! I can't believe how much of it was wrapped up in frustration...
Your journey will be different. Maybe something here resonates, but thought it could be worth sharing.
JuniperFromGallifrey said:I used to just break down in tears all the time for lack of internal access to vocabulary and lack of an ability to call out or express what I could see. The frustration was one thing. But real hard social blocks, real rejection, real poverty issues, real stuff without access to a diagnostic and continually feeling misheard, misunderstood... it creates a REAL emotional response and an appropriate one, but also very emotional. The confusion of the world around me, plus my inability to articulate was so impactful I appeared completely unstable.
JuniperFromGallifrey What you said really resonates with me, I couldn’t explain how I felt and often feel frustrated that people don’t understand me which then resulted in ‘meltdowns’ in my case verbal outbursts but th was seen as I was mentally unstable and uncooperative
From what I've discovered after really researching Autistic "Neural-Wiring" in the last three years, on top of an extraordinary amount of philosophy and psychoanalytical thought which I'd been studying for almost 7, is that we have a different way of perceiving, understanding, evaluating and communicating. Let's say there's no added disabilities: Things impact us far more intensely due to our Salience Network sense perceiving things a little 'too real', we just don't dull our senses to some degree. We have this Monotropic brain which can hyper-focus when helped to its potential, and can make all kinds of seemingly invisible connexions, but it can accelerate into anxiety, beyond our control due to a potential GABA deficiency (which might have been useful in an anthropological setting to stay alert or recognise danger and not 'filter it out'). And then the Language difference, it seems Autistic thinking will focus on Function instead of Meaning or Semiotics. And out of this a wealth of differences will follow. We are somewhat beings out of time and a mismatch for Modern Society like our closely Nueral-related ADHD friends.
Sense-perceiving environmental elements as too real can also feel like an overwhelming sense of everything-all-at-once, if not in a safe environment. But the environments we find ourselves in are often filled with non-human friendly elements, assaulting our senses. We may need yoga or martial arts or some kind of physiological movement discipline which can help us begin to learn a sort of internal communication and balance.
Humans have about 40 some sense-preceptors we've identified. I discovered when engaging with uninterrupted time, it helped give me room to learn to connect more with them. Learning to not allow others to force me to hurry or do more than one thing at a time to completion was also life changing (you cannot force a process or cut it short). This might mean I would miss a bus or I needed to adjust when I started to get ready for a thing. It also meant leaving unhealthy relationships. There's a lot here already, but hopefully you can learn more in this forum! x
JuniperFromGallifrey said:This might mean I would miss a bus or I needed to adjust when I started to get ready for a thing.
When in a situation like that I reason it to myself this way:
If I do that (get on the bus) I get stressed because I would surely forget something and find out about it later, and I would have to run to make it, and If I don't than I only get stressed because I missed the bus, and that stress will be gone when I get on next bus.
If you do it and it's bad, and when you don't it's bad too, than what's the point to waste energy?
when you at that point again, it means you forgot to adjust timing when to start getting ready to go.
JuniperFromGallifrey said: Learning to not allow others to force me to hurry
that was lifechanger for me as well
Perhaps have a look at this woman, she helps articulate most things Autistics suffer through in everyday life: https://www.instagram.com/thearticulateautistic/