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Aspergers 11year old boy, temper

Sally1505

Aspergers

Hi, my son is recently diagnosed ASD, most fitting the profile of aspergers. He is a loving, smart, creative , funny boy, however, since he started secondary school his behaviour has become worse. He appears that he is unable to deal with disappointment which results in severe tantrums with anger and aggression,

If anyone has any tips out there to help us deal with the tantrums, and also if anyone could share any methods which they have taught their children to help them deal with disappointment before it gets to the tantrum stage we would be really grateful to hear. Example of recent situations: 

1) he couldn't find his shin pads, he shouted at everyone saying that someone must have taken them and we must look for them. During this he will be shouting at the top of his voice, will insult us if we don't help (we will often say that we will only help if he asks nicely), punch and kick doors, more often than not, his shin pads are where he left them, just not where he looked. 

2) he told us he made a mistake on FIFA and wanted more money for FIFA points. He had an old Xbox for sale on Facebook, but with no takers at the moment. He had spent all of his pocket money and was left with no money until the Xbox sold but wanted us to lend him money until it sold, to which we replied that unfortunately we weren't Iain a position to do so..... see 1) above for the reaction.

We have experienced this now 4 times in the last 24 hours for varying reasons and we feel no more armed to deal with them than 6 months ago before we had a diagnosis. Hence our plea on this site for some advice

  • Hi,

    my son is 14 and has really struggled with anger and aggression. Puberty has really exacerbated this and I notice it worsens every time he grows or his body develops a bit more. He has a number of special needs including autism and does take a combination of meds to help with this. Some days are really difficult but generally the following things help;

    - me keeping as calm as possible (which is sometimes very difficult - I have become an excellent actress!)

    - I always now tell him I can see how difficult he is finding the situation and how hard that must be for him. I tell him I would like to help and am ready to just as soon as he feels calm enough to tell me how I can. Usually that eventually allows him to see I am not the enemy and he will talk about how he is feeling

    - ice! Cubes, slush, playing with it, drinking it, anything really to do with ice - sometimes just placing it on the back of his neck helps

    - water - if I can get him in the shower or bath when he is angry he usually calms significantly

    - jumping up and down with him and squeezing his hands

    - telling him I am on his team but can't help him if he is hurting me

    - ignoring any swearing or destructive behaviour (he often wants me to respond and tell him off etc and the more I respond the worse he gets)

    - we talk about the fact that anger is one of his special needs and sometimes we "tell" his anger how much we dislike it and how it is making life for hard for us. That seems to help.

    We also have a great local police officer who came out one of the times we had to call the police a couple of years ago. He still comes round to see my son voluntarily and chats with him about how he is doing and reinforces how dangerous anger can be. This really helps as it is so positive and my son views him as a mate which is fantastic.

    Hope this all helps!

  • Hi Sally - could one of the "diversionary tactics" suggested by Trainspotter be something designated that your son could punch when he has a meltdown?  My parents bought me a child's punchball but if they are too expensive maybe an old cushion or pillow.

    I'm 56 now (and have never had children) but I can certainly empathise with how your son feels.  The transition from primary to secondary school was a particularly challenging time for me - and in those days there was no diagnosis or support for Asperger's - and I vividly remember being in tears, or exploding with anger, when I got home.

    Not that I can claim to control myself much better now.  My meltdowns are quite rare (as I've aged, they've tended to morph into despair and depression) but I recently became so annoyed about something I had to slam a door within the house over 20 times in succession.  I was completely alone so it wasn't "staged" for anyone.  I liken my meltdowns to sneezes; there is very little warning and they cannot be stopped, or at least any attempt at stifling them only makes the eventual release all the greater. 

    That's why the diversion, whatever it is, needs to be something that can be accessed immediately.  Have you tried the various websites on anger management techniques for children generally? 

    As your son is smart, creative and funny, maybe humour would be an effective tactic - trying to make him see the amusing side of an annoyance or even his own anger?  Of course, humour is very personal so it would have to be in a way that chimes with his particular brand.

  • Thank you so much for your reply and insight. We've had another challenging day today -someone had agreed to buy the Xbox and then hasn't turned up. Accepting this without anger and aggression was never going to happen, but he seems to be ending the day having learnt a few lessons, mainly that we can't control other people and that disappointment is something we need to be prepared for . I've learnt that I won't tell him we have a buyer until there's a knock on the door! 

    Your experiences with not registering things also resonates strongly, so thank you for sharing that, I will try to keep that in my mind when dealing with it. 

  • Never underestimate either the tenacity or the temper of an Aspie!

    Losing their temper is something they do best - I know, I am also autistic.  Although now 62, and not long diagnosed, I was obviously autistic at your son's age.  And it was not pleasant for anyone near me when I got in that state.

    Like your son, I set my heart on something and wanted it.  I would lose my temper, issue threats and get punished.  (and punished meant a good hiding in those days!)  It didn't help much, I might have complied for a short time but it didn't take much to make me pull the same trick some other time.

    I know your feeling is that you shouldn't give in, and I agree with that.  So what you have to do is put in some sort of diversionary tactic for his energies.  You have to understand that having a dicky fit is in his veru being and will be in the backgound all his life - it might be able to be managed but there will always be times when it is ready to show itself..

    Even at my age, and with my experience, I put things down and don't know what I've done with them, insisting my wife has tidied them away - sometimes even finding they are in my hand all the time.  My theory about this is that things are not 'registering', they are seen and looked at but somehow the brain is not registering what they are.  And this is something I have had to cope with all my life.

    I am sure others will be more able to help you with changing his behaviour.  My advice is to find out a diversionary tactic that works - or better still a few tactics so you don't keep using the same one so he becomes wise to it.  Above all I think he needs some sort of hope that for example, his xbox will sell and it just did not happen this time.  And myself I can be extremely impatient, but am also very patient and meticulous.  So he may also have patience that needs nurturing. 

    Make it clear that money has to be earned, and there are only certain times of the year that he can really expect a gift - that is his birthday and Christmas.  Yes, you will be able to help him at other times but he does not need to know that, and anything outside those times is given for good behaviour.  Autistic people do have a capacity to cope if I am anything to go by. 

    And tantrums need treating with comfort, not punishment.