dealing with agressive behaviour and defiance

Hi Zahra,

There are 2 separate issues here. Each is likely affecting the other but I will address them separately.

With regards to school, is he currently attending a special or mainstream school? Does he have an Educational Health Care Plan (EHC)? If no then here is a link to help you get started https://www.ipsea.org.uk/what-you-need-to-know/ehc-needs-assessments/asking-for-an-ehc-needs-assessment. That website has lots of other really useful information too.

Is his defiant behaviour also observed at school by his teachers? Is it observed with his father or other family members?

Now for the latter issue about his behaviour at home, this sounds like it is the issue causing you the most distress. Please please please do not feel like you are a bad parent or it is your fault somehow. So many parents with autistic children struggle, you are not alone. Any other parent would struggle too, so it is not a reflection on your ability. Something that does spring to mind is Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD), it may be worth speaking with your sons GP/psychologist about this if you have not already done so.

My son is autistic (as am I), he is now 7 and attends a special school and is doing really well in all aspects. We can now do things like eat in restaurants, go on days out without issue, follow instructions at home, etc. He is a lovely, affectionate and polite boy and I enjoy his company. It wasn't always this way. He missed a year of school and his behaviour in the home consisted of tantrums, spitting, hitting and swearing at his mother, urinating, refusing to get dressed or go to bed and so on. We faced criticism from people in the family and teachers at the school. Yet these very same people were not able to control his behaviour either! 

A lot of the improvements have come from getting a diagnosis and treating him differently. Also below are a list of techniques implemented that have made a difference. This worked for us, but it won't work for everyone as every child is different but may give you some ideas:

• Switch the emphasis from negative to positive reinforcement. What I mean by this is put more effort into praising and rewarding good behaviour than bad. There still needs to be consequences but only for repeated and/or extreme behaviour (anything that puts him or others (and possessions) in harms way
• 3 Strikes. If he is engaging in negative behaviour first politely and firmly ask them to stop. If it continues provide a firmer warning and state what the consequence of continuing will be. Finally if it doesn't stop implement the consequence. The consequence should be proportionate, try to avoid basing it on emotion. Keeping it shorter helped, taking away an iPad/TV/etc for 2 hours was sufficient. Anything longer meant he had nothing left to work for
• Rewards chart. We have a reward chart with 20 squares. 11 are for things to do in his daily routine like brush teeth, get himself dressed, eat his meals, etc. and the other 9 are for any other good behaviours I see. At the moment my son keeps trying new foods to earn these points which is great as he used to have a very limited and rigid diet. It's now growing and he enjoys eating many new foods he didn't before.
• Routine. This links very nicely to the reward chart above. Following fairly rigid and consistent routines daily have reduced the anxiety and defiance to tasks throughout the day. He knows after breakfast, I brush my teeth, then I get dressed, etc. You can use visual timetables to support this.
• Be calm, polite and respectful even whilst the child is showing extreme behaviour. I found this fairly easy (possibly because of my aspergers) whilst my partner (ex) found it very difficult to not be influenced by emotion. As a parent we need to set the example of how to treat other people, children will often mirror what they see. Sometimes I may lose my cool if I am under a lot of stress and also feel really guilty about it. I make a point of apologising to my children if this is ever the case as i want them to know that what I did was not acceptable. I also believe that by having a confrontation about a certain task leads to an association of negative feelings towards that task, compounding the problem.
• Rules and Consistency. We used to have the house rules on the wall and would often refer to them (they are not needed any longer). We sat down as a family and agreed on them together and let the children input their thoughts. For example "We shall not shout at others and will treat them kindly", this applied to us as parents too as the children did not like being shouted at. The application of these rules should be consistent. If they are only applied some of the time or in different ways it can lead to an argument with the child "well I was allowed yesterday", etc.

I hope I have been helpful and keep strong

Hi Zahra,

There are 2 separate issues here. Each is likely affecting the other but I will address them separately.

With regards to school, is he currently attending a special or mainstream school? Does he have an Educational Health Care Plan (EHC)? If no then here is a link to help you get started https://www.ipsea.org.uk/what-you-need-to-know/ehc-needs-assessments/asking-for-an-ehc-needs-assessment. That website has lots of other really useful information too.

Is his defiant behaviour also observed at school by his teachers? Is it observed with his father or other family members?

Now for the latter issue about his behaviour at home, this sounds like it is the issue causing you the most distress. Please please please do not feel like you are a bad parent or it is your fault somehow. So many parents with autistic children struggle, you are not alone. Any other parent would struggle too, so it is not a reflection on your ability. Something that does spring to mind is Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD), it may be worth speaking with your sons GP/psychologist about this if you have not already done so.

My son is autistic (as am I), he is now 7 and attends a special school and is doing really well in all aspects. We can now do things like eat in restaurants, go on days out without issue, follow instructions at home, etc. He is a lovely, affectionate and polite boy and I enjoy his company. It wasn't always this way. He missed a year of school and his behaviour in the home consisted of tantrums, spitting, hitting and swearing at his mother, urinating, refusing to get dressed or go to bed and so on. We faced criticism from people in the family and teachers at the school. Yet these very same people were not able to control his behaviour either! 

A lot of the improvements have come from getting a diagnosis and treating him differently. Also below are a list of techniques implemented that have made a difference. This worked for us, but it won't work for everyone as every child is different but may give you some ideas:

• Switch the emphasis from negative to positive reinforcement. What I mean by this is put more effort into praising and rewarding good behaviour than bad. There still needs to be consequences but only for repeated and/or extreme behaviour (anything that puts him or others (and possessions) in harms way
• 3 Strikes. If he is engaging in negative behaviour first politely and firmly ask them to stop. If it continues provide a firmer warning and state what the consequence of continuing will be. Finally if it doesn't stop implement the consequence. The consequence should be proportionate, try to avoid basing it on emotion. Keeping it shorter helped, taking away an iPad/TV/etc for 2 hours was sufficient. Anything longer meant he had nothing left to work for
• Rewards chart. We have a reward chart with 20 squares. 11 are for things to do in his daily routine like brush teeth, get himself dressed, eat his meals, etc. and the other 9 are for any other good behaviours I see. At the moment my son keeps trying new foods to earn these points which is great as he used to have a very limited and rigid diet. It's now growing and he enjoys eating many new foods he didn't before.
• Routine. This links very nicely to the reward chart above. Following fairly rigid and consistent routines daily have reduced the anxiety and defiance to tasks throughout the day. He knows after breakfast, I brush my teeth, then I get dressed, etc. You can use visual timetables to support this.
• Be calm, polite and respectful even whilst the child is showing extreme behaviour. I found this fairly easy (possibly because of my aspergers) whilst my partner (ex) found it very difficult to not be influenced by emotion. As a parent we need to set the example of how to treat other people, children will often mirror what they see. Sometimes I may lose my cool if I am under a lot of stress and also feel really guilty about it. I make a point of apologising to my children if this is ever the case as i want them to know that what I did was not acceptable. I also believe that by having a confrontation about a certain task leads to an association of negative feelings towards that task, compounding the problem.
• Rules and Consistency. We used to have the house rules on the wall and would often refer to them (they are not needed any longer). We sat down as a family and agreed on them together and let the children input their thoughts. For example "We shall not shout at others and will treat them kindly", this applied to us as parents too as the children did not like being shouted at. The application of these rules should be consistent. If they are only applied some of the time or in different ways it can lead to an argument with the child "well I was allowed yesterday", etc.

I hope I have been helpful and keep strong