dealing with agressive behaviour and defiance

Hy MummyofManic,

I'm afraid I don't have a magic bullet to fix your son. I do have a question though. I am an autistic adult and one of the strands that I am following is whether there is some influence of diet on behaviour. So, can I ask what he eats? There are some suggestions that some foods really disagree with some people and I have worked out that I react to some fruits (apples, strawberries, tomatoes). My reaction is not a full blown anaphylactic shock but I notice that my tongue swells and I get stomache ache. There is a food allergy/intolerance called pollen fruit syndrome that seems to match my symptoms. I have a suspicion that the physical reaction also brings a mood change but I am finding it hard to put my finger on a precise connection.

I would be interested to know if this is something that you have looked at.

I'm looking for some advice as i'm at the end of my tether. We have been having problems with our son for a couple of yrs now but i kept passing it off as a phase. His behaviour bas increasingly got worse to the point now we have to deal with at least on meltdown a day, during þis we have shouting, spitting, throwing things, he scratches, punches, bites, kicks etc, he then starts sobbing and has quite a low/upset episode. Bis anger can be aimed at any one but mainly me, his mum. This weekend has been particulalry asful and wojld like some ideas of how to deal with some ofnthese behaviours, it upsets me when hes like this and i am fed up with him hurting me. He has been accepted for an assessment and we are just waiting for a date for his appointment but i can't wait that long until we vet some help.

Thank you.

Thank you for you speedy response. 

We have had chaperones in the past but this has only added to his anxiety and I had to withdraw their presence.  He is reluctant to travel in a taxi or on school transport to and from school etc so I drive him all the time and often have knots in my stomach in anticipation of him becoming aggressive towards me whilst driving . 

A taxi screen seems a good idea . I shall do some research to see if I can source a specialist . 

Thank you .

Hi Patient Mum,

Two suggestions

1) You could use some of his PIP/DLA to pay for someone to go with you as a chaperone for him. These allowances are for precisely this sort of extra cost arising from disability.

2) Have you thought of getting a taxi or getting your car fitted out with a taxi screen? I expect that these are available from specialist fitters.

On the swearing issue - presumably you are trying to reward good behaviour and ignore bad behaviour i.e. "Positive Reinforcement".

They may struggle with knowing when it is appropriate to use which type of language - have you heard of Social Stories as methods for teaching the subleties of social rules?

Hello , I'm the mum of a nineteen year old young man with autism and severe learning disability who also has epilepsy and daily seizures. I'm  wondering if anyone can give any advise or suggestions on any aid that can be fitted behind the driver and front passenger seats ( a transparent Perspex screen ? ) to protect me from him leaning forward and trying to hit me whilst I'm driving . This doesn't happen very often but when he gets highly agitated , stressed or unhappy he can have very challenging behaviour and as you can imagine this is highly dangerous whilst he's in the car with me . 

Has anyone experienced this and what have you done to minimise the risk of danger to anyone in the car and least but not last innocent pedestrians or other road users . 

Thank you .

claira said:

I am new to this. My 6 year old has just been diagnosed with autism. 

At the moment he is swearing when he gets home from school and even swears at the local park and with children around his neighbourhood. We keep on telling him that this is not acceptable but he does not understand. Its getting to the point where I don't want to take him to the park etc.

Has anybody got any advice?

I don't really have a solution, but we have tried numerous things with my son with limited success.  This is before we knew anything about ASD, and just thought our son had a lot of social and anger issues and was immature for his age, so I can only really comment about whether things helped or not or made things worse.

We first found out he was swearing by his school who broke it to us.  At first we struggled to believe it as we don't use such language at home, but when I observed him from a window of our house playing on our housing estate - it suddenly made sense.

We finally after a lot of persuasion got him to admit that he is swearing and explained that it was wrong...   not that that made the slightest difference.

We thought it must be from the estate kids that he's picking up the bad language, so we isolated certain kids from the estate that we had marked down as the "wrong sort" that he might be playing with and told him he wasn't to play with them any more if they kept on swearing or encouraging him to play inappropriate PS3 games which encourage violence...

He accepted this quite easily, and stopped playing with those friends - and for a while we thought things had improved.   His anger levels at home also reduced (as they were always high after coming back from playing).

The swearing returned though, and we found out even the good kids swear - and as our son had so few friends, we felt we couldn't extend the punishment any further - so just explained that just because they do something that he knows is wrong, doesn't mean he should copy them.  I gave him the example of smoking, asking if they were smoking - would he join in, even though he hated it when his mum used to smoke?   He said he didn't know, but he probably would.

So we established peer pressure and copying others was a big part of it.

As time went on we got him a mobile phone, as he was starting secondary school in the following term. It wasn't long until we found he'd installed Instagram against our instructions, and was swearing at all his friends from school - calling people names and just being quite horrid to be honest.   We confiscated it and I got him a "brick" with no internet access on it - at least until we felt he'd matured enough or understood our reasons.

We returned his phone to him about 3 months later after a period of good behaviour.  Within a couple of weeks, he was having problems at secondary school, and his tutor got in contact with us as kids were complaining about his language.  We checked his phone and he was doing it again - worse this time than before.   So again we explained that people get offended by the language he's using.

We tried a different tack this time which did apear to have some success.  This time, we admitted and accepted that "some swearing" with his mates in informal circumstances like when playing football or messing around, is viewed as more acceptable than using that language around people that aren't his close friends or around adults or more formal situations like when at school.   We explained that people that don't know him as a close friend would think badly of him if he swore around them - and they would only remember him for his bad language, and not because of anything else.

He seemed to accept that, and the school reported less incidents of casual swearing.

The fact that he over the past few months has gotten into numerous fights and used foul language in the process I think we have to treat separately - the fact is, he seems to have finally understood what casual swearing at inappropriate times means.

We're still not happy that he does swear - but seeing as kids his age all appear to swear, we found the absolute rule of "no swearing" just didn't work and he rebelled against it, and the other approach where we explained different situations and circumstances at least restricted it somewhat.

Hope that helps.

I am new to this. My 6 year old has just been diagnosed with autism. 

At the moment he is swearing when he gets home from school and even swears at the local park and with children around his neighbourhood. We keep on telling him that this is not acceptable but he does not understand. Its getting to the point where I don't want to take him to the park etc.

Has anybody got any advice?

Your son sounds so similar to mine.  Mine is now 11yrs old but still exhibits the same traits you describe. 

Is your son aware that he is different and what his diagnosis is?  Often I've found that this acknowledgment gives openings for better explanations of why things happen,  and methods for him to try to fit in with his peers,  which if your son is like mine.. He is desperate to do, but doesn't understand why others manage it and he can't. 

I've sometimes found listening without the requirement to probe or ask questions is quite comforting for him and he opens up more as he leads the conversation. 

We're still struggling to make the correct distinction between disciplining for bad behaviour,  and giving him the space to cool down to avoid a violent meltdown.  What we currently do is let him have his space after he's stormed off in anger for misinterpreting or disagreeing with us -  and then a couple of hours later discuss what happened with him to see what could be done differently. 

We've just asked the school about an ehcp, and they're referring it to their senco. He struggles to keep focused in class, and is constantly having problems and fights with other kids. Unfortunately he makes himself an easy target and kids know he'll react to things. 

If they won't support us applying,  we'll do it ourselves anyway. 

Hope that helps a little,  sometimes knowing others are experiencing similar things to you can make a big difference! 

Zahra, don't listen to them. That's not true at all. You're completely right you should do it anyway.

You will need to have a think about what needs your son has and how they are not being met. Gather any evidence you can (e.g school reports, a letter from doctor, his diagnosis, any recorded incidents at school, etc). If the school states they are meeting or supporting targets, ask them to provide concrete evidence to prove it is so. I would also advise that you contact the IPSEA directly on their helpline (0800 018 4016) so they can provide you with specific advice relating to your situation.

Hi  i have spoke to school about the ehc plan and the sen lead told me that it was very difficult for children to get them as your needs have to be severe.  The example she gave was those children who may have to wear  helmets due to them banging their heads against a wall.   Im so confused as my child has needs and behaviour that challlenges as he has a diagnosis of autism and really struggles at school but they are saying that he is making progress.  Im sooo confused but i have told them im still going to do it and let that la make that decision not the school.

Gramit 108 thankyou again i will keep you posted

You're welcome.

I may just be being cynical. But in my experience (and seemingly every other parent of autistic children I meet), is that the schools will do as little as possible with respect to children with special needs. They also like to believe they are "experts" in conditions/disorders, but they are not medical professionals... Don't leave it to them to sort things out, they will drag their heels and will not place enough of a priority on your son. Absolutely they need to be involved, but you don’t need to let them take control and determine what is best.

Since your son is autistic he most definitely needs an EHC Plan, regardless of if they are meeting his needs or not. You do not need the school to do this, you can request one yourself (follow the link in my previous reply). Having a plan ensures that your sons needs are understood, documented and that the school is then held accountable for meeting them. There is a possibility it may also yield additional funding.

Similarly with the ODD, things will move a lot quicker if you take charge of this yourself. Your sons GP can make a referral to the relevant service.

Thankyou so much for your response.  Yes maybe he does feel that no one listens to him but I do try and have time for him to talk.  i always ask him about his day when i pick him up from school.  I then get a long list of negative stuff about school and no one plays with him and he hates the teacher etc.  i spend time with him before he goes to bed and have a chat and also when he has had a tantrum and we have both calmed down I talk to him and try to get him to see how he is feeling and his behaviour.   This doesnt always work and hes not the best at communicating and he will then tell me things that have happened months ago. however I will try and make time and listen to him.  i have some activities that I will do with him on anger managemnet and exploring feelings.   Thankyou soo much for your help.  I really appreciate it.  

Hi  

Firstly thankyou soo much for your detailed response I really appreciate it. you have asked if he has a education health care plan- no he hasnt.  the last time I asked for a statement of Educational needs as that was what it was called the school thought that it wasnt appropriate as they were meeting his needs.  i feel that since then  his needs have increased and definitely school are not meeting any of his needs at the moment.  So I will be liasing with school to try.  His defiant behaviour is also observed at school and with his father.  I also have spoke to the school about ODD and they said that it could be a posssibility.  

I feel that the suggestions that you have made ar e absolutely spot on as I have used those techniques in the past  and I will start to implement them again. annd yes you are absolutely right about consistency.  

thankyou so much for the positive words of encouragement.  i really apprecate it as last Night I had lost the will to live.  

Hi Zahra,

There are 2 separate issues here. Each is likely affecting the other but I will address them separately.

With regards to school, is he currently attending a special or mainstream school? Does he have an Educational Health Care Plan (EHC)? If no then here is a link to help you get started https://www.ipsea.org.uk/what-you-need-to-know/ehc-needs-assessments/asking-for-an-ehc-needs-assessment. That website has lots of other really useful information too.

Is his defiant behaviour also observed at school by his teachers? Is it observed with his father or other family members?

Now for the latter issue about his behaviour at home, this sounds like it is the issue causing you the most distress. Please please please do not feel like you are a bad parent or it is your fault somehow. So many parents with autistic children struggle, you are not alone. Any other parent would struggle too, so it is not a reflection on your ability. Something that does spring to mind is Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD), it may be worth speaking with your sons GP/psychologist about this if you have not already done so.

My son is autistic (as am I), he is now 7 and attends a special school and is doing really well in all aspects. We can now do things like eat in restaurants, go on days out without issue, follow instructions at home, etc. He is a lovely, affectionate and polite boy and I enjoy his company. It wasn't always this way. He missed a year of school and his behaviour in the home consisted of tantrums, spitting, hitting and swearing at his mother, urinating, refusing to get dressed or go to bed and so on. We faced criticism from people in the family and teachers at the school. Yet these very same people were not able to control his behaviour either! 

A lot of the improvements have come from getting a diagnosis and treating him differently. Also below are a list of techniques implemented that have made a difference. This worked for us, but it won't work for everyone as every child is different but may give you some ideas:

• Switch the emphasis from negative to positive reinforcement. What I mean by this is put more effort into praising and rewarding good behaviour than bad. There still needs to be consequences but only for repeated and/or extreme behaviour (anything that puts him or others (and possessions) in harms way
• 3 Strikes. If he is engaging in negative behaviour first politely and firmly ask them to stop. If it continues provide a firmer warning and state what the consequence of continuing will be. Finally if it doesn't stop implement the consequence. The consequence should be proportionate, try to avoid basing it on emotion. Keeping it shorter helped, taking away an iPad/TV/etc for 2 hours was sufficient. Anything longer meant he had nothing left to work for
• Rewards chart. We have a reward chart with 20 squares. 11 are for things to do in his daily routine like brush teeth, get himself dressed, eat his meals, etc. and the other 9 are for any other good behaviours I see. At the moment my son keeps trying new foods to earn these points which is great as he used to have a very limited and rigid diet. It's now growing and he enjoys eating many new foods he didn't before.
• Routine. This links very nicely to the reward chart above. Following fairly rigid and consistent routines daily have reduced the anxiety and defiance to tasks throughout the day. He knows after breakfast, I brush my teeth, then I get dressed, etc. You can use visual timetables to support this.
• Be calm, polite and respectful even whilst the child is showing extreme behaviour. I found this fairly easy (possibly because of my aspergers) whilst my partner (ex) found it very difficult to not be influenced by emotion. As a parent we need to set the example of how to treat other people, children will often mirror what they see. Sometimes I may lose my cool if I am under a lot of stress and also feel really guilty about it. I make a point of apologising to my children if this is ever the case as i want them to know that what I did was not acceptable. I also believe that by having a confrontation about a certain task leads to an association of negative feelings towards that task, compounding the problem.
• Rules and Consistency. We used to have the house rules on the wall and would often refer to them (they are not needed any longer). We sat down as a family and agreed on them together and let the children input their thoughts. For example "We shall not shout at others and will treat them kindly", this applied to us as parents too as the children did not like being shouted at. The application of these rules should be consistent. If they are only applied some of the time or in different ways it can lead to an argument with the child "well I was allowed yesterday", etc.

I hope I have been helpful and keep strong

Gramit is totally right on this. The methods he quotes are the methods that work with autistic children. It is very difficult to communicate with an autistic child and it takes extra time. They do not understand that your agreement to something yesterday does not mean agreement today. You have to be consistent - only say no when you have really thought about it and are prepared to stick with that decision. only say yes when you have really thought about it and are prepared to stick with it.

One phrase from your post struck me "You never listen is what I get from him" He probably really feels that noone listens to him. He may well feel that noone understands him. You probably have to make a special effort to sit down with him and really listen to what he is saying and try and understand his point of view. This will take much more effort and time than it will for a non-autistic child but you need to make a much more visible demonstration of genuine listening to an autistic child than you would another child.