Management of obsession

Thanks so much Classic Codger. 

My daughter has always needed help with the 'right' way to act in different situations. She had learnt so quickly and well, though, that like you describe, she seems to be coping most of the time. She's never been a 'people person', rarely socialises outside of school, has always liked to know what was going to happen (unlike you, she has to know what tea is going to be!) and can talk for hours in a not quite to you sort of way on favourite subjects.  

We always thought that was just the way she was. Her special subjects have always included her school subjects, which has meant she has achieved very highly academically. That and her perfectionism do have a positive side. 

This is her third episode of OCD now, though, and they come on when something happens to make her stressed. You could be right that they are just a symptom or part of  of asbergers - that seemed to be what the councillor was saying. 

I will talk to her about Asbergers and encourage her to join this forum, it seems a very supportive place and I'm sure it will help. But she has her A level mocks next week and the second counselling session. I'm not sure if the counsellor is going to bring it up herself so I'll just leave it a little while. 

Thanks again,

Rachel

You're an insightful person, and I thank you for reading through my post. I am very impressed by, and appreciative of, the position you are taking.

Yes, to your question. We cannot be different people in different places. Regular exposure to some situations will help us to learn how to 'be' in those places, but it's always on our own terms. For example, when I was about 7, I discovered my local library. I found that it was a perfect place for me, no-one expected me to converse or interact, I learnt the 'rules' for the brief interaction of taking books out, and I could take any book off any shelf and look through it there and then. It was a heavenly bit of tranquility in a tortuous world.

I could talk for hours on this subject, all of us can talk for hours on our chosen subjects, but ask me what I want for my tea and you'll throw me into a world of confusion. I want food, not fuss. A better question would be 'Is there anything in particular you would like for your tea?' because then I can say 'no'. That answers you, no further discussion required, and I'll eat what you give me. Does that make any sense to your situation?

You can never go wrong with providing reassurance. The best reassurance is 'It's OK to be you, you are loved and lovable'.  It is very difficult for us to find acceptance of who we are, we are statisticaly rare people and therefore not really in the public's face, plus we tend to adopt very low profiles to try and avoid unecessary exposure.

Girls, however, suffer a 'double-edged' sword. They are (mostly we think 'biologicaly') programmed to socialise in ways that boys don't. This makes male autism much easier to spot, apparently, but girls can 'hide in a crowd'. Other women on here can, and do, express this better. However, it is this very ability that 'masks' girls and makes their diagnosis so much harder.

Your input into the diagnostic process is therefore of great significance.It is also very important that your daughter is honest with, and about herself. This is easier said than done, I'm afraid, because we do fond that being 'honest' often attracts ugly reactions

OCD - I think you mean CDO, that puts the letters in the right order! Joking apart, our normal behaviour is often incorrectly labeled. I'm not saying that there isn't an OCD issue for your daughter, but it may be indicative rather than absolute. It is important to us to do the same thing the same way every time. If I find a place to put something, it MUST be there when I look for it. If someone moves it, they won't understand my anger and frustration. If I've learned the 'rules' for a situation and it changes, I simply won't know how to cope, I'll be irritated beyond belief, and I'll very likely make my feelings known. I wonder if 'OCD' is actually our way of reassuring ourselves that there is at least one thing that we have control over, so cannot be changed unless WE change it. Just a thought.

I should warn you that many of us have experienced a raft of incorrect diagnoses before getting the 'real' answer. Bipolar Disorder is a very common misdiagnosis, which is why we are so sceptical and disparaging towards those so-called 'professionals' who we hear about their making the stupidest comments. Again, a common one towards girls is that 'they can't get/don't need a diagnosis because they 'do so well'. Best I fail to comment further at this point...

I hope that you are able to persuade your daughter to come on here and talk about herself, 16 is the minimum required age. If she is AS, we'll understand her and answer her in a way that she will understand. Failing that, I sincerely hope that you are sharing these posts with her. If she's like her Mum, she'll be keeping an open mind.

Fantastic.

Hi Classic Codger, thank-you very much for your reply. i will take your advice and get her properly assessed, but I want to give the counselling a go first and not do too many things at once. 

Thank-you for describing what it is like inside your head, it makes sense of the way she behaves. I used to go up to her room when I heard her crying, but it always did make it worse. Maybe I was breaking into her thoughts like you said. Now I leave her for a while and let her sort it out herself, then go up and talk about something ordinary. But I don't know if that's right either! 

I think what you are saying then, is to give her the reassurance she wants. It won't make it any better or worse outside the home, because she can't be any different anyway. Is that right? 

Thanks. 

Hi guys, just thought I'd try and offer you my particular take on this. I'm an older AS person, some people would use language about me that I find quite annoying, such as 'high function', 'mild' etc, I can certainly score very highly on a Mensa test, but first and foremost, I am on the spectrum, the same as any other AS person, with the same difficulties. Hope that helps put my answer in context.

You both see something in your children that equates to being AS, and to that extent, you are right, by what you say. I can't agree that there is any such thing as 'mild' autism, a person is either on the spectrum or not, in the same way that a woman can't be just a little bit preganant. I'll carry on as if they are both AS people but I urge professional asessment for every suspected AS person.

This thing about 'obsessions' is part of who we are, for sure, but in my opinion doesn't really accurately describe it. And that last comment says it - accuracy is very important to us. You NTs use a kind of 'shorhand' to talk to each other. Allow me to demonstrate:-

If you tell me that I've 'hit the nail on the head' then I think I know what you mean, after hearing it so often that I finally made some sense of it. My reaction, however, is typical AS. I'm not nailing anything, so why are you talking about nails? And come to that, where else would you hit a nail? Simple physics tells you what the problems are going to be if you try and hit it at the other end. If you hit it in the middle, it's no longer a nail, it's a u-shaped piece of metal with each end different to the other.

What you really mean is 'that's exactly describing [the thing that] I am talking about'. Well, why not say that then, so there's less confusion? You hear the sentiment, we see the individual words.

My own 'obsessions' aren't obsessions, although I understand that you would see it your way. It's a part of my condition that things must be at their best. If something doesn't work properly, it isn't right and is therefore a constant source of nagging irritation.The 'problem' will fill and dominate my thoughts, I'll certainly be in a world, somewhere between reality and fantasy like a waking dream, where I have the 'problem' in front of me and I am working on it. Other people might call this 'focus'.

Consider, though, that we cannot break this, even when we are valiantly being present in the shared world. This process will be taking up most of our thoughts. Even if I can put it aside, it won't be long before it insists on being thought about again. It's like an Artesian Well of thought that bursts up under pressure. If I try to do something else, it won't be long before I am forced to abandon it for my current 'obsession'. The process remains the same, even if the subjest matter changes

When we are in our own world,it most likley won't even occur to us that there's any need not to be, and we are extremely busy in there. Talk to us and we won't hear you, but if you do break into our thoughts we'll be terribly irritated and angry about it, probably snap at you nastily, it can get physical too, but whatever our reaction, you will wonder at it because it isn't, in your view, expected, warranted or acceptable. We think the same when you have the effrontery to break into our world without permission, when we're doing something terribly important in our heads.

Such things are sometimes unbearably irritating, it's like having my stomach sandpapered on the inside. It is an overload of nagging irritations that send us into 'meltdown', and any combination of hightened sensitivities, thoughts and feelings can cause this.

Has that helped in any way? I've stumbled about a bit, but I hope I've given you perhaps a little sight of the view from our world. I think that for non-AS people, having an AS child can be terribly difficult.

Hi Dad2067,

I have no answers I'm afraid, just what feels like a similar problem - do we go along with it or not?

My 16 year old daughter has just started seeing a councillor for her OCD (it's been a recurring problem), and she has suggested Aspergers could be the underlying problem. I hope I'm ok to post here when she doesn't have a diagnosis. Reading through this website, I can see her in a lot of the descriptions of the condition and it has been suggested before by relatives. 

She is currently obsessed by saying the absolute truth, which means she constantly corrects herself, apologises, apologises for apologising, backtracks, confirms what you said, clarifies what she said herself - and so on. She needs us to acknowledge all of this and reassure her she has said everything correctly. But does that do any good? She needs to not behave like that in the world outside home. By going through all this at home, does that mean she is more secure so will do it less at school or does it make it seem like it's ok so she will do it more?