Help! 13 yr old daughter won't go In to school

I had this difficulty with secondary school myself many years ago now. I had no idea I had Aspergers back then and neither did anyone else (we hadn't even heard of it) 

After my first school summer break I just couldn't face going back. I couldn't tell anyone how I was feeling and I tried (unsuccessfully) to take an overdose.

When the day arrived to go back to school I got to the school gate but just could not make myself go through them. I turned around and went back home. I think I was what was classed as a latch-key-kid Back then.

I was then absent from school for a long time to the point my mum started to get into trouble for it. I learned to go to school then for registration then leave and stay home for the rest of the day. It took quite a long time before any adult realised that this was what I was doing.

To cut a very long story shorter - I just wish that I had been on the receiving end of some understanding and support back then. I was judged as a juvenile delinquent. My mother believed that I hated her and was deliberately trying to make her life hell! The truth though was quite different. I was a very frightened girl who did not know how to communicate her feelings. I was threatened with borstal which made me even more terrified but that got me no closer to wanting to go to school! I attended very little until the end of school - I left with no qualifications!

So my advice I guess would be - do whatever it takes to support your child's education. Be patient and polite (schools do have a lot to deal with) but very very persistent at making sure your child gets the help and support they need.

it would be great if schools could encourage pupils to play a supportive role to fellow pupils with difficulties. 

Think your probably right longman xx

Agreed, getting a backer is important, and as it is education a local councillor is probably best. Responses from councillors can vary but don't be put off if initially negative, this is help you should expect.

Tricky bit as ever is how much they, or the people they talk to, know about autism, and to what extent you are left explaining it to them. If the councillor talks to someone in the council's education or related team who thinks they know what autism is and isn't (so many know alls out there - if you cannot see it its not autism brigade), you may find you've got to push harder. Ther local MP is another option.

 I was curious about the significance of PE and Assembly (mumof4boys 772's post). Both environments could present difficulties because of noise and movement. At Assembly everyone is sat together in a large hall, with a sound system that crackles or hums probably, lots of discrete teasing etc. It may be difficult to hear announcements, and mass chair scraping when they have to stand or leave is likely to be mental torture. 

P E involves getting changed and changing rooms are likely places for bullying, and involve getting undressed in close proximity to others. Gymnasium floors squeak, and things bang, people milling around from all angles is potentially scary.

Ball games are team building and good for coordination - great start for someone on the spectrum. It may be difficult to register what is going on, and what you are meant to do. If hand eye coordination is poor you quickly get a reputation for being useless with the ball. That means being left out of any teams, and adds to the likelihood of being ribbed.

Home schooling has been discussed often. It means either paying for a tutor or a parent doing the teaching and therefore not being free to go into work to earn money. Nevertheless a lot of parents have opted for home schooling and have had a struggle to do it.

Hi

Sorry to hear of your issues.  You need to go and talk to your local councillor now and don't be put off by doing so.

Book an appointment and discuss the issues you are having.  They may be able to escalate for you.  Once the education system know you have a local politician involved, they seem to change their opinion.  You will also find that most schools delay all the time trying to obtain a statement. 

My story is slightly different.  I had a diagnosis and I managed to see the Educational Psycologist quickly - because of his behaviour really.  If your daughter is quiet and will not disrupt - they will delay.

The education system has an obligation to provide an education for your child and if they do not have the means available for her to access as any other child - they are failing you. 

Please discuss now - don't delay.

To cut a long story short, my son was excluded from mainstream lots of times, changed schools and ended up in a Pupil Referal Unit - which is a place where excluded children go, regardless of their disability.  I wasn't happy with this place and I elected to take him out.  I was advised that I could be taken to court for not bringing my child to school.  This was after he had been sent home a zillion times!!

I went to see my local politician and within months  the educational authority was granted funding to put him into a residential school.    I know this will not be what you want to do - but I just wanted to impress upon you that you cannot delay.  Make a nuisance of yourself.

Good Luck

My suggestion is homeschooling. 

Homeschooling wont isolate your child, infact there are communities out there where you child can socialise etc with other homeschooled child.

That and, your child doesnt need to move places because it is in the comfort of their own home. they can easily put that into their home routine and the enviroment isnt stressful towards them if your school is failing them academically. 

I have this with my son at the moment, hes 8 and doesnt want to go into school, basically because of assembly and pe, weve been late a few times this week but ive managed to get him in, i have tried you will get a treat if you go, i even tried a visual with a jar and put a pound in it so he could see it that diddnt work, so what i have been doing is ok if you dont get ready and go into school you will have no xbox this evening and so far we have managed to get him in.

Tommorow he has been told there is no assembly so i will wait and see if he kicks off, if he does kick off then its school as a whole and not just assembly and pe.

Is the noise and constant moving around any uindication that she is getting more of this than she should? That is to say - have her peers perhaps  discovered she gets stressed and reacts in noisy or busy environments and are making sport of it? Being bullied is a common element with autism.

Changing schools is more traumatic for someone on the spectrum. It is not just change that causes problems, but most non-autistic children are able to settle into a new environment through social referencing - the social and conversational world of people in a shared environment. She will not be picking up that input.

The fact she is attending base classes will get her singled out for unfair attention by other pupils.

Why particularly does she need to be assessed by an educational psychologist? The school has presumably been informed of her diagnosis (and accepted her as a pupil with that condition). They are surely up to the job of supporting someone with autism. The fact there is a waiting list like this suggesyts the school is failing in its duties towards disabled pupils.

I think, if you feel able, and preferably with support, you need to challenge the school's unhelpful approach. By support I mean someone from a parents group or local NAS group in your area - find out about these from the little red maps on the Home and Community pages of this website. Even if there isn't one near you, contact them for their advice.  Your local authority may have an advocacy service.

There does seem to be a widespread failing to properly understand autism in schools. The primary school was able to support, why not this secondary?