Published on 12, July, 2020
Yesterday my 10 year old son had his first violent meltdown which has completely shocked me. Although he is prone to meltdowns and will bang doors, stamp on the floor and scream at the top of his voice he is never violent. Yesterday after a meltdown I went to speak to him after when I thought he'd calmed down, he obviously hadn't calmed down enough because he launched at me and put his hands around my throat in total rage. His hands were gripped as hard as they could be. It was only for a few seconds and then he let go realising what he'd done and apologised over and over. I wasn't too sure how to handle it, you don't expect your loving little boy to ever hate you so much he'd try and strangle you.
When he'd calmed down I told him that he was banned from all his games consoles indefinitely until I felt he had earned the right to have them back and I told him that I forgave him this time but that I'd never forgive him if he did it again.
I'm worried that he could do it again if I'm not strict enough with him but I'm also worried that if I'm too strict he'll never forgive himself and may become depressed.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation.
Reading this the first thing that comes to mind (and I know I'm repeating myself here) but where in the Triad of Impairments is there any guidance to resolving such issues? The Triad hasn't got a clue!
I don't think anyone knows any answers. I've been looking at a book that analyses these conflicts, but sits on the fence and doesn't venture answers - John Clements & Ewa Zarkowska (2000) "Behavioural Concerns and Autistic Spectrum Disorders" (Jessica Kingsley Publishers).
They do analyse situations and responses. But the lack of one kind of answer is frustrating. What they are suggesting though is you need to find ways of defusing the situation, and for that you need to understand the mind and mental processes of someone on the spectrum.
My worry with walking away and leaving the meltdown to burn out, wrecking the house in the process, is that it reinforces negativity. If you've got autism you feel mortally ashamed of outbursts, and very guilty about harm done. That doesn't necessarily change extreme reactions. If your only answer is to stomp out the house and leave him to it, well something tells me you've created most of an inevitable outcome.
My gut feeling is you gave up on him a long way back. Granted there are manipulative and very difficult people around with AS. Your way out isn't showing others light at the end of the tunnel.