Published on 12, July, 2020
Yesterday my 10 year old son had his first violent meltdown which has completely shocked me. Although he is prone to meltdowns and will bang doors, stamp on the floor and scream at the top of his voice he is never violent. Yesterday after a meltdown I went to speak to him after when I thought he'd calmed down, he obviously hadn't calmed down enough because he launched at me and put his hands around my throat in total rage. His hands were gripped as hard as they could be. It was only for a few seconds and then he let go realising what he'd done and apologised over and over. I wasn't too sure how to handle it, you don't expect your loving little boy to ever hate you so much he'd try and strangle you.
When he'd calmed down I told him that he was banned from all his games consoles indefinitely until I felt he had earned the right to have them back and I told him that I forgave him this time but that I'd never forgive him if he did it again.
I'm worried that he could do it again if I'm not strict enough with him but I'm also worried that if I'm too strict he'll never forgive himself and may become depressed.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation.
Admitted it is very difficult to use the ignore tactic especially if the person remains in your hearing or sight because as you say they will go to extreme lengths to regain your attention. When my son was living at home, in the end I resorted to just immediately walking out of the house with my wife and just walk and walk. At least we didn't have to witness what was happening but it was all there when we came back - the destruction of his possessions first, then the house - windows, doors, walls etc. smashed.
To the original poster: apologies for wandering off your story into ours but I feel its really important to start planning strategies now while you still have some measure of control as a parent. We made the mistake of thinking that if we gave enough love, support, attention, talking over problems and material things he would be appreciative and mature like any other child into an adult despite his disability. Not so. In fact I think we made big mistakes by carrying on doing some of these things when we should have simply been a lot lot firmer and not so forgiving just because he used to say sorry occasionally. I now realise he just doesn't have the feelings that back up the sorry. When you are battered and bruised emotionally and physically, suddenly hearing that word sorry is like a ray of hope. But my son has come to recognise and ruthlessy exploit that effect. I feel by our own behaviour we have unwittingly reinforced his extemely manipulative behaviour that he has now. He is not academic at all but the power of reasoning that goes into his manipulation is phenominal. Frightening really, its like dealing with a ruthless dictator. As I sit here now typing this I can hear my wife's distessed voice pleading with him on the phone to be sensible - he lives in a hostel now. I have already spoken to a policeman tonight at his place. He reckons he has been burgled but he probably pawned something and forgot - he is constantly calling them to his place on the slightest whim. I think it makes him feel in control.