Published on 12, July, 2020
Yesterday my 10 year old son had his first violent meltdown which has completely shocked me. Although he is prone to meltdowns and will bang doors, stamp on the floor and scream at the top of his voice he is never violent. Yesterday after a meltdown I went to speak to him after when I thought he'd calmed down, he obviously hadn't calmed down enough because he launched at me and put his hands around my throat in total rage. His hands were gripped as hard as they could be. It was only for a few seconds and then he let go realising what he'd done and apologised over and over. I wasn't too sure how to handle it, you don't expect your loving little boy to ever hate you so much he'd try and strangle you.
When he'd calmed down I told him that he was banned from all his games consoles indefinitely until I felt he had earned the right to have them back and I told him that I forgave him this time but that I'd never forgive him if he did it again.
I'm worried that he could do it again if I'm not strict enough with him but I'm also worried that if I'm too strict he'll never forgive himself and may become depressed.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation.
Hi Reah
I completely recognise your shock at this episode. My son is 22 now and his first physical actions towards family during meltdowns occurred much later at about 17. We too witnessed an escalation of tempers all through childhood gradually leading to physicality. I have thought about this issue of escalation a lot. My thoughts are: AS children do not basically understand 'strict' response like a line in the sand which must not be crossed. They do not appear to be fearful of a parents escalating emotional reaction like non AS children would. They seem to cotton on very early that their increasing emotions will be countered by a parent's escalating response - but only up to point! They see that a parent has a limit to their own actions otherwise it would lead to the parent becoming physical which of course is forbidden. Though I don't think that they actually think 'my parent won't physically punish me' - they just see it's not happening in response to their physical actions. The child does not have the maturity to know an emotional limit and kind of goes one better each time ultimately leading to physicality on their part towards others. Once they see this pattern starting to get results it's very very very difficult to break the habit as I know with my son. I think the best thing is to disengage from the meltdown and ignore the emotion. Be very strict with withdrawal of priviledges and treats. Discussion of the events from my experience with my son has just been wasted effort and tends to have you going round in circles. Good luck.