My son is 13 and has been diagnosed with aspergers since he was 6. He is in mainstream school where he has a lot of support. A room he can go to if feeling overwhelmed. He has a pass to leave class early to avoid busy corridors. In some lessons he has a teacher with him one to one. However I have found in the past year that he is getting more and more upset and frustrated and it seems he feels he has to punish himself if he thinks he has done something wrong, even if to others he hasn't. This can be something simple such as not using an umbrella so he gets wet when walking home, to actually biting, hitting or scratching himself leaving bruises on his arms, face and forehead. I am at a complete loss of what to do and finding it very hard not to get angry at him. Then I hate myself for feeling this way. I just get so frustrated at not being able to understand and help him. I spoke to his consultant at the hospital about it and he didn't seem concerned, Was more concerned that my son was slightly above his recommended bmi!! Of course now my son has taken this as he is fat and now has serious self image issues. I have now changed consultant and the new one has refered him to CAHMS. The appointment isn't till August but I hate to see him like this and feel I am failing him. He's like a different lad when he is at home with me, so happy and loving. Please can anyone give me any advice as to how to handle this?
It sounds as though your son is reaching overload and is hurting himself as a form of relief. If the demands at School socially, are outstripping his ability to cope, this may be a factor, as will any bullying he may be experiencing. School awareness and an anti-bullying program could really help here. Some kids just don't realise that their behaviour towards others is a form of bullying. Ask the School to help if you can. It will raise awareness amoungst his peers about what is and is not acceptable towards others and empower other kids to intercept if they see it going on. This has the effect of shaming the bully rather than allowing others to slip into mob mentality and encourage such behaviour in bullies.
Have you considered using the trafic Light system at School and at home. It's just three coloured cards that he can keep with him to indicate to adults when he's reaching his meltdown point. I know it's used in Schools alot, but if the self harm is happening at home it may help you realize when he's overwhelmed and look at other forms of release for him.
Stress balls are useful for some and can be concealed in a pocket if small enough. My son used blue tac for years in the same way.
Identifying triggers that lead to overwhelmed behaviour can be difficult for your son, but it can be an important milestone in him being able to manage his emotions and environment and to enable him to cope in a different manner. Often, the individual themselves comes up with a solution, however, the solution your son has resorted to is not ideal. Speak with him and see if he can look at other ways or strategies to express himself. Like my son, he may have some good ideas.
If he views each small event as a failure it will do much to reinforce his low self-esteem. Do try and make him understand that we all make mistakes and that these things are common to everybody, not just him. It sounds simple, but my own son didn't realize that. He thought only he got it wrong and everyone else got it right.
You haven't said much about any sensory issues your son has. For my own son I've found sensory distraction equally helpful. He finds some situations for example too overwhelming, however, if we use headphones with a sound or music that calms him, a meltdown can be avoided. The same goes for touch and smell. He has a silky (a soft clothing label) that he strokes to relieve stress and maintain concentration and will use lavender oil on a towel or hanky, when extremely overwhelmed and in need of calming.
These sensory distractions are outlets and coping mechenisms my son uses which are less obvious to the casual observer. More covert and therefore draw less attention to himself from others.
I think the key has to be substituting the behaviour, not eliminating his ability to express his anxiety. If you take a tool out of his toolbox you will need to replace it with something. Try some of the above or things you think may help and see if this has any impact.
From what you are saying, I think it could be what other people say to him which may upset him. Perhaps someone has said something like "my mother would be angry/upset if I did that" and he now fears that you are not telling him what you really think or feel.
Or.....Taking things too litterally and discovering the world is full of lies. White lies, social lies. People with ASD take things litterally to a degree, and they tell the truth, even when it is inapropriate. He may now have discovered that NT people lie all the time for social reasons. EG I like your new haircut/dress/furnature; just to be polite. If he is sensing your frustration and underlying anxiety, perhaps he is misreading it as anger or disappointment with him, hence the need for punishment to clarify the situation. Perhaps he suspects your kindness and understanding are incincere. Maybe this applies to his teacher too.
I am 64 and still get caught out by social lies, humour, sarcasm. If someone says to me "I like your hat", I am still likely to tell them where they can get one the same, then kick myself mentally for taking it literally, 2 hours later. It is very confusing. Your son is just beginning to learn this. Maybe you could discuss this area with him and explain how you feel in more detail, so that he has no confusion about truth and social lies with you.
NT children learn this instinctively at quite a young age. ASD children do not, in fact ASD adults struggle with it. It is, I believe to do with body language and facial expressions and tone of voice etc. I am not sure, I am still trying to work it out.
It is tough when our children feel unhappy. It makes us unhappy. I do hope you can find a way through this soon.
Hi Marjorie, thank you for your reply. The bruises and scratches are self inflicted but I do know he is verbally bullied at school where the kids try and get him to react because they think it's funny to see him have a meltdown. I only know this as i've seen them do it when I pick him up from school. My son doesn't realise he is being bullied.
I have a good relationship with my son and at home he is relaxed, and happy and with some coaxing he does talk to me about what is going on though he can't explain how he feels that makes him do this. The lastest incident was because he was a little bit late for a class, the teacher was fine about it and made no issue, but my son felt he needed to be punished and bit himself on his arm. He says things like I should sit him on the step outside and lock him out as punishment. I have never punished him or hit him but he says he is scared of how i'll react if he has done something he thinks is wrong.
I praise him all the time for things he does well, which isn't hard to do as he is so well behaved, good mannered and intelligent. And am always telling him how much I love him. Everyday for at least an hour we have "our time" where the tv goes off and we sit and do something he wants to do whether it be him reading to me or play games together.
The little book of achievements is a good idea, I think I am going to try that so that he can get it out and look at it when I'm not with him at school.
Hi ametmum. It must be nearly the end of term. It could be tiredness combined with social overload and that "had enough of school for this year" feeling. Maybe a complete rest and quiet during the holidays will help him feel happier within him self.
What does he do after the end of term? Perhaps August is a good time to assess how things are, before the start of the new year.
Are you certain that his bruises are self inflicted? Could bullying be an issue? If he really is doing this himself, it could be verbal bullying?
I would sugest spending some time with him doing something he enjoys, in the hope of getting him to relax. Once relaxed, he may begin to talk about what is upsetting him.
If he has a negative self image, he needs to challenge it himself. Eg if someone calls him stupid, or he feels stupid because he can't manage something, he should say to himself, I struggle with X but I can do Y. I may be able to do X better in time.
Someone posted on here recently about noting down acheivements, so that when they have negative thoughts and feelings, they can look back at their list of successes and remind themselves that they are successful some times. This is a good way of boosting self esteem. We aspies tend to be perfectionists, and when we feel down, we only seem to remember the bad things that have happened to us. So perhaps if you remind him of his acievements and he begins to record his own achievements, it may help him have more self esteem.
