My son is 13 and has been diagnosed with aspergers since he was 6. He is in mainstream school where he has a lot of support. A room he can go to if feeling overwhelmed. He has a pass to leave class early to avoid busy corridors. In some lessons he has a teacher with him one to one. However I have found in the past year that he is getting more and more upset and frustrated and it seems he feels he has to punish himself if he thinks he has done something wrong, even if to others he hasn't. This can be something simple such as not using an umbrella so he gets wet when walking home, to actually biting, hitting or scratching himself leaving bruises on his arms, face and forehead. I am at a complete loss of what to do and finding it very hard not to get angry at him. Then I hate myself for feeling this way. I just get so frustrated at not being able to understand and help him. I spoke to his consultant at the hospital about it and he didn't seem concerned, Was more concerned that my son was slightly above his recommended bmi!! Of course now my son has taken this as he is fat and now has serious self image issues. I have now changed consultant and the new one has refered him to CAHMS. The appointment isn't till August but I hate to see him like this and feel I am failing him. He's like a different lad when he is at home with me, so happy and loving. Please can anyone give me any advice as to how to handle this?
It sounds as though your son is reaching overload and is hurting himself as a form of relief. If the demands at School socially, are outstripping his ability to cope, this may be a factor, as will any bullying he may be experiencing. School awareness and an anti-bullying program could really help here. Some kids just don't realise that their behaviour towards others is a form of bullying. Ask the School to help if you can. It will raise awareness amoungst his peers about what is and is not acceptable towards others and empower other kids to intercept if they see it going on. This has the effect of shaming the bully rather than allowing others to slip into mob mentality and encourage such behaviour in bullies.
Have you considered using the trafic Light system at School and at home. It's just three coloured cards that he can keep with him to indicate to adults when he's reaching his meltdown point. I know it's used in Schools alot, but if the self harm is happening at home it may help you realize when he's overwhelmed and look at other forms of release for him.
Stress balls are useful for some and can be concealed in a pocket if small enough. My son used blue tac for years in the same way.
Identifying triggers that lead to overwhelmed behaviour can be difficult for your son, but it can be an important milestone in him being able to manage his emotions and environment and to enable him to cope in a different manner. Often, the individual themselves comes up with a solution, however, the solution your son has resorted to is not ideal. Speak with him and see if he can look at other ways or strategies to express himself. Like my son, he may have some good ideas.
If he views each small event as a failure it will do much to reinforce his low self-esteem. Do try and make him understand that we all make mistakes and that these things are common to everybody, not just him. It sounds simple, but my own son didn't realize that. He thought only he got it wrong and everyone else got it right.
You haven't said much about any sensory issues your son has. For my own son I've found sensory distraction equally helpful. He finds some situations for example too overwhelming, however, if we use headphones with a sound or music that calms him, a meltdown can be avoided. The same goes for touch and smell. He has a silky (a soft clothing label) that he strokes to relieve stress and maintain concentration and will use lavender oil on a towel or hanky, when extremely overwhelmed and in need of calming.
These sensory distractions are outlets and coping mechenisms my son uses which are less obvious to the casual observer. More covert and therefore draw less attention to himself from others.
I think the key has to be substituting the behaviour, not eliminating his ability to express his anxiety. If you take a tool out of his toolbox you will need to replace it with something. Try some of the above or things you think may help and see if this has any impact.
It sounds as though your son is reaching overload and is hurting himself as a form of relief. If the demands at School socially, are outstripping his ability to cope, this may be a factor, as will any bullying he may be experiencing. School awareness and an anti-bullying program could really help here. Some kids just don't realise that their behaviour towards others is a form of bullying. Ask the School to help if you can. It will raise awareness amoungst his peers about what is and is not acceptable towards others and empower other kids to intercept if they see it going on. This has the effect of shaming the bully rather than allowing others to slip into mob mentality and encourage such behaviour in bullies.
Have you considered using the trafic Light system at School and at home. It's just three coloured cards that he can keep with him to indicate to adults when he's reaching his meltdown point. I know it's used in Schools alot, but if the self harm is happening at home it may help you realize when he's overwhelmed and look at other forms of release for him.
Stress balls are useful for some and can be concealed in a pocket if small enough. My son used blue tac for years in the same way.
Identifying triggers that lead to overwhelmed behaviour can be difficult for your son, but it can be an important milestone in him being able to manage his emotions and environment and to enable him to cope in a different manner. Often, the individual themselves comes up with a solution, however, the solution your son has resorted to is not ideal. Speak with him and see if he can look at other ways or strategies to express himself. Like my son, he may have some good ideas.
If he views each small event as a failure it will do much to reinforce his low self-esteem. Do try and make him understand that we all make mistakes and that these things are common to everybody, not just him. It sounds simple, but my own son didn't realize that. He thought only he got it wrong and everyone else got it right.
You haven't said much about any sensory issues your son has. For my own son I've found sensory distraction equally helpful. He finds some situations for example too overwhelming, however, if we use headphones with a sound or music that calms him, a meltdown can be avoided. The same goes for touch and smell. He has a silky (a soft clothing label) that he strokes to relieve stress and maintain concentration and will use lavender oil on a towel or hanky, when extremely overwhelmed and in need of calming.
These sensory distractions are outlets and coping mechenisms my son uses which are less obvious to the casual observer. More covert and therefore draw less attention to himself from others.
I think the key has to be substituting the behaviour, not eliminating his ability to express his anxiety. If you take a tool out of his toolbox you will need to replace it with something. Try some of the above or things you think may help and see if this has any impact.
