motivation

Hi Bootsy,

Just thought of a practical suggestion.  How about suggesting that your son write a short piece for Asperger United?

Tx

Hi Bootsy,

I admire you so much coping with all of this on your own.  It sounds as though you are doing an incredible job and with little support.  I was wondering if there is a support group near to you maybe that you could go along to.  The National Autistic Society helplines may be able to put you in touch with one or you might be able to find out about is available in your area at your local library. 

I know what you mean about feeling that your best efforts only seem to make a difference for a short while.  However, please don't lose heart.  You may be having more of an impact on him than you realise. That drip, drip of constant positivity can eventually get through to them.  As long as they can rely on you reacting in the same way to things every time, I think it does get through to them.  I have just began to notice the difference in my own son.  Something happened at school the other day that was unexpected and really challenging for him.  It was a role play he had to do in class and he sent me a text afterwards saying it was terrible.  I sent him a reply saying that I was so pleased to hear that he did it as it gave him an opportunity to show everyone what he is capable of.  He came home in such a good mood I was amazed.  

I have only just learnt not to presume anything with him, to try not to expect him to react in the same way to something every time.  When someone with Aspergers does the same thing, the same way everytime it is easy to expect them to do that forever.   But if we, as parents, do make that assumption will the way we think ever allow them the space to change?  It seems to me that young people often behave in the way we expect them to.  (Hope that makes some sense, not sure it does to me and I know what I want to say, lol). 

One thing about my son is that he is the most incredible perfectionist that I know and I had to look to my own tendencies in that area.  When I did that I realised that the language I was using was actually encouraging it in my son.  I think he is looking for 'perfect' in everything.  Can you really be happy if you are not perfectly happy, for example?  There can be no balance between good and not good, to this way of thinking as there is nothing in between.  Glass half full or glass half empty, I suppose.

Re-reading the above sounds like so much rambling.  Sorry if it was too confusing. Take care, thinking of you.

T x 

Hi bootsy,

My son is 16 has AS and Dyspraxia and to be honest i couldnt motivate him in anything that he didnt  an interest in, like trying to get him to study for exams was a complete nightmare. In the end I did a structured study programme that was timetabled and i had to supervise at all times because he could not self motivate. I now find it is better to encourage him be motivated as much as possible in the areas that do interest him for example he is now studying film at college. so he is getting a camera from santa nd has subscribed to film mgzines and I have found that this motivation does then spill over to other areas.

However i have recently also had arguments with my 14year old son who is not autistic over his bad attitude and lack of willingness to study, his prelims/mocks are in a month. So I think this is also a teenage thing!lol!

dont know if any of this is helpfull, best of luck

sam

x

Thank you, Tadie123,

It feels very supportive to know we are not the only ones with this struggle.  I do agree with you wholeheartedly. I do always praise the smallest thing - always have done - he hears me and sometimes he says 'thank you', because it makes him feel a little better but the feeling doesn't stay with him. Do you find that, too?

You really seem to know what it feels like, to be exhausted from trying to constantly create a positive atmosphere and look miserable or 'down' in his presence. I have a dog too. I live on my own with my son and not being able to share worry is a strain; so, thank you again. It's great to share.  My first time on this community thing! Glad I tried it!

Hi Bootsy,

Think this may be a common problem for most 14 year olds!

One idea I thought of is to try really hard to praise every positive thing that he does no matter how small and ridiculous it seems.  My 17 year old has similar problems with low confidence and self esteem.  Praise should be descriptive as possible for example, "I thought what you said to your sister was really kind. You made her very happy when you said you liked her new dress". My son seems to take in written comments more, say a text or an email or even a letter to him. It may also help to give him plenty of reason to receive possible feedback like asking him to make a cup of tea for example.

His reading and writing sound wonderful.  If he finds it hard to concentrate for long periods perhaps he could set himself very small amounts of time to do write at first and if he gives you an opportunity to read what he has written then that also gives you plenty of chance to pile on the positive comments. As he builds on his concentration skills maybe he will be able to make the sessions longer in time. Taking very small steps at first may make a difference. Would he consider writing short entries in a diary every day maybe to start with?

It was suggested to us that we challenge every single negative thing our son said or wrote about himself. It can also really help to be generally as positive as you can about everything.  They do say that someone who suffers with anxiety or depression should always surround themselves with positive people as it can rub off! I give myself some time off to be extremely negative about things when my son is not around!!  Usually in the car when I'm on my own or out for a walk with the dog. Being positive and cheerful all the time can be exhausting so it is great to have an hour off from time to time when you can!

Hope this helps in some way.