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Partner with autism - are these things normal?!

Sarah Mann

I have been with my partner for a year and he scores highly on the autism spectrum but I have no experience of it and am confused if he is making excuses for his behaviour. I try to tell him that I'm unhappy but he seems to think that I'm joking or being dramatic. 

He is very childish when faced with conflict or something he doesn't want to hear and often becomes aggressive and threatens to break things if I don't stop. He has no responsibility when it comes to money and makes me turn into a nag as I am constantly asking him to put things in the bin, not speed in the car, not turn the music up loudly etc etc. he does the same things everyday when all I want is a law abiding, peaceful life!  Sometimes it feels like he has bipolar or something similar as he becomes manic quickly. He has nearly walked out of his job many times and doesn't seem to understand that some of the stuff he says is completely out of order (one of the first times he met my mum he told her that my brother was extremely boring!) 

He lied about a lot of things when we first got together and only owned up when I asked him directly about these things. 

I dont know if I should cut him slack because of his autism or if he's actually a bad partner. I am deeply in love with him but something needs to change as I just can't handle the stress that he seems to enjoy in our relationship. 

  • All these behavours are fairly common tenancies in persons with ASV's

    Please refrain from useing the pejorative term "childish." Bear in mind that he has communication difficulties and with your (presumably) superior social skills you can cause him significant distress by opposing him in an issue that is important to him and giving him no oppertunity to express his opinion or make his case in a more reasoned fashon leaving him no recourse but to surrender on an issue that matters to him or to engage in the destructive behavour you have described in an attempt to demonstrate the intensity of his feelings. Try to avoid emotionally charged confrontation.

  • Your partner sounds very much like my ASD 13 yr old daughter.

    If he doesn't have a formal diagnosis, I'd encourage him to get one.  I think it would possibly help him if he did walk out of a job and may help in other areas too.

    I agree with most of the comments above and knowing what it is like to live with someone on the spectrum, I think you need to read up on the subject and learn to deal with the conflict in a different way if you want the relationship to survive.

    I also agree with Lydia's comments about the agression however I also know that when my 13 yr old gets to the point of losing it, there is very little that can be said or done to stop the agression other than walking away (though more difficult with a child than an adult!).  My daughter is learning to deal with the issues before it gets to that point though and I am learning to deal with her anxiety differently too which does make a big difference.  If I use a confrontational tone with her, she will react badly.  She can not deal with confrontation or demands - they make her anxiety much worse.  Its a constant learning experience that you need to be open too if you wish to build a relationship but also a very rewarding one.

  • That sounds really difficult. I think a lot of the communication issues are asd.

    However, i also think that he should not be excused for aggressive or threatening behaviour. Whilst he can't help making faux pas, not understanding your feelings a lot of the time, not saying the 'right' things etc...a man who is making you feel threatened is not acceptable.

    Perhaps you could try and develop some simple strategies for when he becomes overwhelmed and angry. For example:

    1) you could agree that if he gets to feel this way in an argument then you both have the right to take an agreed.amount of 'time.out'. This would allow him to calm down and you to get out if you need to.

    2) perhaps you could tell him something really blunt and short like: "when you threaten to break things/raise your voice, it makes me feel scared. Please try not to do that."

     

    maybe you are being too subtle with him. He really doesn't know what you are feeling, but if you can explain it to him in emotionally simple terms then hopefully he can learn to alter his behaviour in response to obvious cues from you.

     

    sorry if that doesn't help. I hope things work out as it sounds like you really love him. 

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Firstly i hope you haven't used your real name in posting this?

    your partner does sound quite autistic! does he know? Is he trying to deal with it constructively?

    People with ASD can get misdiagnosed with bipolar as we get highs and lows due to having insights into things followed by severe disappointment when we fail to communicate with people and get our ideas into practice. It just looks like bipolar but isn't the same as classic bipolar! I can post a link on this if you are interested.

    you don't have to turn into a nag! This will really get on his nerves and wind him up so please desist. We don't react well with being told what to do, it is much better to give us choices and let us work things out.

    His social disability will lead him into saying the wrong things and walking out of jobs etc. he really needs to understand his problem and then deal with it calmly and rationally.