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Partner with autism - are these things normal?!

Sarah Mann

I have been with my partner for a year and he scores highly on the autism spectrum but I have no experience of it and am confused if he is making excuses for his behaviour. I try to tell him that I'm unhappy but he seems to think that I'm joking or being dramatic. 

He is very childish when faced with conflict or something he doesn't want to hear and often becomes aggressive and threatens to break things if I don't stop. He has no responsibility when it comes to money and makes me turn into a nag as I am constantly asking him to put things in the bin, not speed in the car, not turn the music up loudly etc etc. he does the same things everyday when all I want is a law abiding, peaceful life!  Sometimes it feels like he has bipolar or something similar as he becomes manic quickly. He has nearly walked out of his job many times and doesn't seem to understand that some of the stuff he says is completely out of order (one of the first times he met my mum he told her that my brother was extremely boring!) 

He lied about a lot of things when we first got together and only owned up when I asked him directly about these things. 

I dont know if I should cut him slack because of his autism or if he's actually a bad partner. I am deeply in love with him but something needs to change as I just can't handle the stress that he seems to enjoy in our relationship. 

Parents

  • That sounds really difficult. I think a lot of the communication issues are asd.

    However, i also think that he should not be excused for aggressive or threatening behaviour. Whilst he can't help making faux pas, not understanding your feelings a lot of the time, not saying the 'right' things etc...a man who is making you feel threatened is not acceptable.

    Perhaps you could try and develop some simple strategies for when he becomes overwhelmed and angry. For example:

    1) you could agree that if he gets to feel this way in an argument then you both have the right to take an agreed.amount of 'time.out'. This would allow him to calm down and you to get out if you need to.

    2) perhaps you could tell him something really blunt and short like: "when you threaten to break things/raise your voice, it makes me feel scared. Please try not to do that."

     

    maybe you are being too subtle with him. He really doesn't know what you are feeling, but if you can explain it to him in emotionally simple terms then hopefully he can learn to alter his behaviour in response to obvious cues from you.

     

    sorry if that doesn't help. I hope things work out as it sounds like you really love him. 

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  • That sounds really difficult. I think a lot of the communication issues are asd.

    However, i also think that he should not be excused for aggressive or threatening behaviour. Whilst he can't help making faux pas, not understanding your feelings a lot of the time, not saying the 'right' things etc...a man who is making you feel threatened is not acceptable.

    Perhaps you could try and develop some simple strategies for when he becomes overwhelmed and angry. For example:

    1) you could agree that if he gets to feel this way in an argument then you both have the right to take an agreed.amount of 'time.out'. This would allow him to calm down and you to get out if you need to.

    2) perhaps you could tell him something really blunt and short like: "when you threaten to break things/raise your voice, it makes me feel scared. Please try not to do that."

     

    maybe you are being too subtle with him. He really doesn't know what you are feeling, but if you can explain it to him in emotionally simple terms then hopefully he can learn to alter his behaviour in response to obvious cues from you.

     

    sorry if that doesn't help. I hope things work out as it sounds like you really love him. 

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