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Partner with autism - are these things normal?!

Sarah Mann

I have been with my partner for a year and he scores highly on the autism spectrum but I have no experience of it and am confused if he is making excuses for his behaviour. I try to tell him that I'm unhappy but he seems to think that I'm joking or being dramatic. 

He is very childish when faced with conflict or something he doesn't want to hear and often becomes aggressive and threatens to break things if I don't stop. He has no responsibility when it comes to money and makes me turn into a nag as I am constantly asking him to put things in the bin, not speed in the car, not turn the music up loudly etc etc. he does the same things everyday when all I want is a law abiding, peaceful life!  Sometimes it feels like he has bipolar or something similar as he becomes manic quickly. He has nearly walked out of his job many times and doesn't seem to understand that some of the stuff he says is completely out of order (one of the first times he met my mum he told her that my brother was extremely boring!) 

He lied about a lot of things when we first got together and only owned up when I asked him directly about these things. 

I dont know if I should cut him slack because of his autism or if he's actually a bad partner. I am deeply in love with him but something needs to change as I just can't handle the stress that he seems to enjoy in our relationship. 

Parents

  • Your partner sounds very much like my ASD 13 yr old daughter.

    If he doesn't have a formal diagnosis, I'd encourage him to get one.  I think it would possibly help him if he did walk out of a job and may help in other areas too.

    I agree with most of the comments above and knowing what it is like to live with someone on the spectrum, I think you need to read up on the subject and learn to deal with the conflict in a different way if you want the relationship to survive.

    I also agree with Lydia's comments about the agression however I also know that when my 13 yr old gets to the point of losing it, there is very little that can be said or done to stop the agression other than walking away (though more difficult with a child than an adult!).  My daughter is learning to deal with the issues before it gets to that point though and I am learning to deal with her anxiety differently too which does make a big difference.  If I use a confrontational tone with her, she will react badly.  She can not deal with confrontation or demands - they make her anxiety much worse.  Its a constant learning experience that you need to be open too if you wish to build a relationship but also a very rewarding one.

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  • Your partner sounds very much like my ASD 13 yr old daughter.

    If he doesn't have a formal diagnosis, I'd encourage him to get one.  I think it would possibly help him if he did walk out of a job and may help in other areas too.

    I agree with most of the comments above and knowing what it is like to live with someone on the spectrum, I think you need to read up on the subject and learn to deal with the conflict in a different way if you want the relationship to survive.

    I also agree with Lydia's comments about the agression however I also know that when my 13 yr old gets to the point of losing it, there is very little that can be said or done to stop the agression other than walking away (though more difficult with a child than an adult!).  My daughter is learning to deal with the issues before it gets to that point though and I am learning to deal with her anxiety differently too which does make a big difference.  If I use a confrontational tone with her, she will react badly.  She can not deal with confrontation or demands - they make her anxiety much worse.  Its a constant learning experience that you need to be open too if you wish to build a relationship but also a very rewarding one.

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