Autism & Adhd . 16. Vaping . Weed. Behaviour ! Consequences

Stressedmama said:

We’ve always had a very close relationship

.....then "all is well".....its just 'a-fair-bit-challenging' at the moment perhaps....simply due to your off-spring's stage of life.  Breathe deep.....and don't "blow it"......things ALWAYS change.  Trust what you KNOW, rather than you you currently experience and see.  Don't be afraid to "push-back" a bit.....disrespect should never go unchallenged, in my opinion, but that doesn't mean that "war&ultimatums" are in order.  Demonstrate the power of knowledge, trust, fortitude and "knowing"......as they stay= "mama knows best, but she can feel stressed, nonetheless."

Being sullen, moody, disengaged or blunt is one thing, but being rude and disrespectful seems a bit much to me.

You turned out well though, mate!  All good.  We never really know if our bad sh1t is actually good sh1t (for ourselves and everyone else around us) until min 5 years after the event.  Life is cool, interesting and unpredictable because of this fact.

Unpredictable+cool+interesting=autist (in my opinion&experience in many instances?!)

Godspeed!

Sounds like a bad case of being 16, try not to worry to much, in a couple of years he'll probably grow out of it, just don't hassle him to much in the mean time and make sure he knows you're there and always will be. Let him tell you things, but try not to be too judgemental of him or his friends or you'll end up pushng him away 

Sporadic Sparkly said:

seems like perfectly normal teenage behaviour.

It certainly is common bahaviour from what I have witnessed in life. I was a bit too "nice" and my rebel phase came in my 20s when I achieved financial independence and bought my own house, but that's a different story.

Expecto_Patronum said:

this can be very normal teenage behaviour. They push boundaries, try risky things and are generally moody.

This is part of the growing up process for many - we all need to find our place in society and by using this "elbows out" approach many teenagers will establish themselves, typically until they get some serious push-back and suddenly they are victims.

I have observed similar behaviour in a number of puppies I have raised and they need to be given fairly strict boundaries at times when going through this stage, but mixed with other situaitons where they can explore their relative independence.

One approach used on my brothers and I was to have to contribute 50% of our take home pay from our jobs (while living at home) to the family coffers since we had just completed a lifetime of being a net debtor. The money would einevitably come back to us in the form of later financial backing, our first car etc so it wasn't lost to us.

The advantage of this approach was it taught us some fiscal responsibility to something other than ourselves. We also got used to the fact that we would lose a big chunk of our income through deductions plus the benefit of saving for unknown events ahead.

Expecto_Patronum said:

Perhaps it would be worth writing down everything you do pay for and showing him that he wouldn't be able to afford any of i

An excellent idea.

It also helps manage their expectations for what independence from the familiy will cost him so should temper his ideas.

Maybe consider exptrapolating this calculation to a multi-person household in case he decides to move in with mates or with a partner. Show how many it needs to work and what happens if one cannot get employment. It can be sobering to see what it takes to start out on your own now.

I think in general terms the most successful approach is to slowly change your relationship from your son to be more of a mentor and friend - talk about grown up things with him more, ask his opinion on household stuff, get him involved in tasks that will be of use to him (changing the wheel on a car, shutting off the water mains in case of a leak, basic cooking skills, using the washing machine for different types of loads, how to tell when food is going off etc.

These skills don't seem to be taught in school so having a knowledge transfer while teaching him like an adult can help shift his mental framing of you from an overbearing parent to a mentor and friend.

Just my thoughts on the subject anyway.

Probably around the time that history repeated itself and one of my parents worst nightmares happened... It was when I was 19 and fell pregnant (unplanned) with my son. One could say that it gave me a much-needed kick up the backside.

Yes that's fair enough. Definitely beneficial to be saving and I can understand not wanting to stop him spending any of his own money. Perhaps it would be worth writing down everything you do pay for and showing him that he wouldn't be able to afford any of it even if he used all his earnings. And that actually it's very reasonable that he be expected to follow rules in your house when you're providing his bed, heating, food, phone bill etc.

How old were you when you perhaps turned a corner ? 

He has a part time job . He does around 10 hours a week. Each month he puts half his pay check into a savings  pot ( navigated and suggested by us really ) and the other half is his to spend as he wishes pretty much . If he wants to learn to drive then he will need savings as we can’t afford to buy a car so that’s essentially what he’s saving for . 

You have my sympathies Stressedmama .

Your description of your son sounds very much like I was at that age, and also very much like my son was at that age, and seems like perfectly normal teenage behaviour.

Although my parents were frequently tearing my hair out during my teenage years, they later joked that if I wasn't storming out of the room after yelling at them and saying they were terrible parents, etc, then I was muttering a string of expletives, or responding to questions with grunts.

I can only speak for myself, but at the age of 16, I thought I knew it all and considered myself to be far more grown up than I actually was. I could be infuriatingly stubborn and defiant, and if my parents told me to do something (or not do something), then I would dig my heels in and want to do the opposite.

It wasn't until I became a parent and to contend with the teenage years that I was able to understand the Hell I'd put my parents through. They had warned me that it would come back to haunt me one day, and they weren't kidding.

With the exception of the teenage years, I've always had a close relationship with my son, so have faith that the close bond you had with your son will return.

I think it's important to keep in mind that this can be very normal teenage behaviour. They push boundaries, try risky things and are generally moody.

Your son will be more vulnerable to this due to his diagnosis.

I think keeping on educating him is important. Teaching him about the consequences such as health, lack of job, criminal record etc. Also reminding him that you love him no matter what and you are just trying to keep him safe.

If he has his own money, I'm intrigued what he gets it for and what he is expected to pay for. At 16, if he is throwing back I have my own money I can do what I want, perhaps he should be given the responsibility of paying his own way. I'm not talking full rent etc but for example if you pay his phone bill perhaps he should be expected to do this. Bit of a lesson in no actually you can't just do what you want, he still lives in your house and has things paid for by you so there are certain rules he does need to follow.

I'd try to avoid any big confrontation over his behaviour. Shouting doesn't work well with teenagers especially those that are neurodiverse

As far as other consequences go, you know him best. Some kids respond well to being grounded and limitations on their belongings. Others will double down and rebel more.

It is a very difficult age and there aren't easy answers. Hopefully his brain pathways will settle down soon and he will start to emerge from the teenage rage stage.