Autism & Adhd . 16. Vaping . Weed. Behaviour ! Consequences

You have my sympathies Stressedmama .

Your description of your son sounds very much like I was at that age, and also very much like my son was at that age, and seems like perfectly normal teenage behaviour.

Although my parents were frequently tearing my hair out during my teenage years, they later joked that if I wasn't storming out of the room after yelling at them and saying they were terrible parents, etc, then I was muttering a string of expletives, or responding to questions with grunts.

I can only speak for myself, but at the age of 16, I thought I knew it all and considered myself to be far more grown up than I actually was. I could be infuriatingly stubborn and defiant, and if my parents told me to do something (or not do something), then I would dig my heels in and want to do the opposite.

It wasn't until I became a parent and to contend with the teenage years that I was able to understand the Hell I'd put my parents through. They had warned me that it would come back to haunt me one day, and they weren't kidding.

With the exception of the teenage years, I've always had a close relationship with my son, so have faith that the close bond you had with your son will return.

Sporadic Sparkly said:

seems like perfectly normal teenage behaviour.

It certainly is common bahaviour from what I have witnessed in life. I was a bit too "nice" and my rebel phase came in my 20s when I achieved financial independence and bought my own house, but that's a different story.

Expecto_Patronum said:

this can be very normal teenage behaviour. They push boundaries, try risky things and are generally moody.

This is part of the growing up process for many - we all need to find our place in society and by using this "elbows out" approach many teenagers will establish themselves, typically until they get some serious push-back and suddenly they are victims.

I have observed similar behaviour in a number of puppies I have raised and they need to be given fairly strict boundaries at times when going through this stage, but mixed with other situaitons where they can explore their relative independence.

One approach used on my brothers and I was to have to contribute 50% of our take home pay from our jobs (while living at home) to the family coffers since we had just completed a lifetime of being a net debtor. The money would einevitably come back to us in the form of later financial backing, our first car etc so it wasn't lost to us.

The advantage of this approach was it taught us some fiscal responsibility to something other than ourselves. We also got used to the fact that we would lose a big chunk of our income through deductions plus the benefit of saving for unknown events ahead.

Expecto_Patronum said:

Perhaps it would be worth writing down everything you do pay for and showing him that he wouldn't be able to afford any of i

An excellent idea.

It also helps manage their expectations for what independence from the familiy will cost him so should temper his ideas.

Maybe consider exptrapolating this calculation to a multi-person household in case he decides to move in with mates or with a partner. Show how many it needs to work and what happens if one cannot get employment. It can be sobering to see what it takes to start out on your own now.

I think in general terms the most successful approach is to slowly change your relationship from your son to be more of a mentor and friend - talk about grown up things with him more, ask his opinion on household stuff, get him involved in tasks that will be of use to him (changing the wheel on a car, shutting off the water mains in case of a leak, basic cooking skills, using the washing machine for different types of loads, how to tell when food is going off etc.

These skills don't seem to be taught in school so having a knowledge transfer while teaching him like an adult can help shift his mental framing of you from an overbearing parent to a mentor and friend.

Just my thoughts on the subject anyway.

Sporadic Sparkly said:

seems like perfectly normal teenage behaviour.

It certainly is common bahaviour from what I have witnessed in life. I was a bit too "nice" and my rebel phase came in my 20s when I achieved financial independence and bought my own house, but that's a different story.

Expecto_Patronum said:

this can be very normal teenage behaviour. They push boundaries, try risky things and are generally moody.

This is part of the growing up process for many - we all need to find our place in society and by using this "elbows out" approach many teenagers will establish themselves, typically until they get some serious push-back and suddenly they are victims.

I have observed similar behaviour in a number of puppies I have raised and they need to be given fairly strict boundaries at times when going through this stage, but mixed with other situaitons where they can explore their relative independence.

One approach used on my brothers and I was to have to contribute 50% of our take home pay from our jobs (while living at home) to the family coffers since we had just completed a lifetime of being a net debtor. The money would einevitably come back to us in the form of later financial backing, our first car etc so it wasn't lost to us.

The advantage of this approach was it taught us some fiscal responsibility to something other than ourselves. We also got used to the fact that we would lose a big chunk of our income through deductions plus the benefit of saving for unknown events ahead.

Expecto_Patronum said:

Perhaps it would be worth writing down everything you do pay for and showing him that he wouldn't be able to afford any of i

An excellent idea.

It also helps manage their expectations for what independence from the familiy will cost him so should temper his ideas.

Maybe consider exptrapolating this calculation to a multi-person household in case he decides to move in with mates or with a partner. Show how many it needs to work and what happens if one cannot get employment. It can be sobering to see what it takes to start out on your own now.

I think in general terms the most successful approach is to slowly change your relationship from your son to be more of a mentor and friend - talk about grown up things with him more, ask his opinion on household stuff, get him involved in tasks that will be of use to him (changing the wheel on a car, shutting off the water mains in case of a leak, basic cooking skills, using the washing machine for different types of loads, how to tell when food is going off etc.

These skills don't seem to be taught in school so having a knowledge transfer while teaching him like an adult can help shift his mental framing of you from an overbearing parent to a mentor and friend.

Just my thoughts on the subject anyway.