Autistic teenage daughter cut me out

It is a difficult technological era in which to parent all adolescents, more so; Autistic teenagers and particularly so: for daughters - who can sometimes have a bit of a headstart upon sons when age and impact of puberty are taken into consideration.

This challenge is not always all about safeguarding against "stranger danger". 

There is also so much for young people to learn about what not to establish publicly in their digital footprint (because that data can be leveraged / abused by both strangers and people known to a teenager, plus it persists ...and some youthful exuberance / indiscretions / errors of judgement are none of the business of a prospective future employer. 

Yet, a parent will need to be able to observe sufficient information to feel reassured that an appropriate freedom versus supervision balance can be achieved and maintained across the teenage years).

I knew someone (some years ago) who worked within the education sector and was aware of practical examples where use of technology by teenagers had unfortunately not best served the young person's interests.

The person was parent to an Autistic, young, teenage daughter; where the parent made the daughter's use of a mobile phone conditional upon these daily habits:

- each evening at bedtime, the daughter had to park her mobile on a hall table near the bedrooms,

- it was understood by the daughter that, if the parent had become concerned about a change in the daughter's mood, or behaviour; the parent would assess the mobile use to better understand the support which may be needed by the daughter,

- the same routine afforded the parent the opportunity to check that live apps were actually likely to be the expected ones installed with / for the daughter, the system updates were current, the antivirus was working correctly and had successfully updated,

- the parent would also double-check that unapproved third party remote access was disabled,

- checked parental controls were still enabled,

- also double-checked that it looked as though thr daughter's was the only account which seemed to be using the mobile, and

- checked: location / tracking / GPS / privacy settings / lists of paired or connected Bluetooth devices - all appeared to be still set - as age and potential vulnerability appropriate.

Originally, this wasn't all know-how already mastered by the parent.  I can't recall whether it was a local school, or college - one of the two; ran a series of evening classes where parents were able to up-skill, practice and gain more confidence in what digital red flags could be visible to a parent.

Within the parent's peer group; the smartphone training proved popular - which helped matters: as the daughter felt less "singled-out" when she started to realise quite a number of teenagers she knew, locally, in the real World - were also more likely to also be receiving this enhanced style of active technology parenting safeguarding (Autistic, or not).

In your daughter's case; you were faced with an information crisis driven by a genuine wellbeing concern.

Unfortunately, at your daughter's age; a young person's focus can be narrow and also very muddied by both real World peer pressure, plus, potentially wider digital scope for yet more perceived peer pressure via social media influencer channels, chatroom platforms and messaging apps.

That, on the one hand, is s huge groundswell of other people's vested interests directed towards a teenager - versus - on the other hand, ...any parent (hardly an equitable scenario).

Unfortunately, teenagers are unlikely to appreciate much of that nuance.  For them; their judgements (and slights tally) are likely to be heavily influenced by their perception of such topics as: human rights, autonomy, freedom of expression, confidentiality, expectations of consultation, free will, experimentation and so on.

Add into the mix both the deeply held Autistic truth / trust circuit, potential resistance to change / surprises and a daughter still learning to run and ride life's hormones and emotions ...any parent / parental figure will be challenged with a determined, tenacious and entrenched advacery - the riled and hurt daughter.  (Tricky one).

The good news is; young teenagers (somewhere deep in the psyche) do begin to know three things:

- most parents usually have a track record of demonstrating they love and have their teenager's best interests at heart,

- teenagers do still really need their parents, and

- conflicts really hurt and that, as a teenager, they do not yet have access to the tools to navigate a path through conflict - solo.

The above 3 (grounded) points offer potential currency, agency and lines of communication - in moving towards mediation, through to resolution.  Maybe as a wider family matter - it can be a fully "in-house" achievable objective.

Unfortunately, there also 3 things which young teenagers are still less likely to have started to learn about, practice and know:

- how to recognise and handle big emotions,

- what assertive techniques and support options are available to a teenager when mental health has suffered a blow and their peer group msy have begun to notice that and (maybe) have even worked out that the teenager is not currently as aligned with a parent as they used to be, and

- although the teenager may have at sometime seen adults during conflict within a relationship ... unfortunately, the life skills area the teenager may have yet to have witnessed:how adults resolve conflict between each other and work to repair their relationship.

Addressing the above 3 (needs education and growth) points are more challenging and may need support drawn in from resources outside of the family.  Particularly so; for an Autistic teenager whose communication and social skills may already be uncomfortable territory and from a "hurt" outlook may be less receptive than usual to "parent has something they intend to teach me" mode.

Olive branches of peace may be offered and bridge building towards reconciliation may be offered / initiated - maybe with support from or via other trusted adult relatives / God Parents - for the "grounded" points.

For the "needs education and growth" points - more research and access to external resources are more likely to be required.  There also first needs to be some: time, reflection, healing and reconciliation completed - before the necessary learning and development will begin to land productively.

The parent does not need to tread these paths solo.  There are a few resources and sources of support which come to mind:

NAS Teen Life (Parents Of Autistic Teenagers):

https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/support-in-the-community/family-support

NAS Know Yourself Resources (Autistic Teenagers):

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/resources-for-autistic-teenagers

NAS Parent To Parent Emotional Support Helpline:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/help-and-support/parent-to-parent-helpline

YoungMinds (Guides For Teenagers, Guides For Parents and Parents Helpline):

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/

With my best wishes to your family.

I can understand the whole autistic teenage girl breach of trust thing being a very big deal to your daughter but I do think monitoring her phone is the right thing to do as a parent. It should be a normal part of life - there is so much scary stuff on the internet for kids.

I think you need to keep sending the same message to her that you understand that she felt you were breaching her trust and you are sorry for that but you were keeping her safe. I know you've done that already but I think it's important she keeps hearing it. She may be waiting for an admission that you were wrong but you weren't, you were being her mum.

I tend to think she will eventually snap out of it but teenage girls can hold a grudge and autism probably doesn't help that. 

It's difficult to advise without knowing your daughter but I'd consider leaving little notes etc saying I love you and that sort of thing. This way you aren't putting any pressure on her to interact with you but you are showing her that you still care and her not talking to you is not going to change that.

I would also keep trying to make conversation with her as if nothing has happened, but don't push it if she isn't receptive. Eventually you might find that she forgets herself and talks back. Once she has got over that hurdle you might find it gets a whole load easier.

Another possible solution would be to get someone you both trust to talk to her. Listen to her side but also explain yours. Ask her what she wants to happen in this situation. She likely knows really that she can't never talk to you again but sometimes being asked that question can make you realise you're not achieving anything.

I hope the situation improves for you.

Stuart, you are not extreme - I remember being adamant that "Father Christmas" (aka Santa) existed when other kids at school said he didn't, then when I went home and asked my parents and was told that he didn't actually exist, I was shocked and unsettled. I also hated being a child and not having control of my life.

Maybe autistic children have more of a need for truth, justice and being trusted than non autistic kids do?

Rach said:

does anyone have any advice as to how this could be resolved. How I could get her to talk again?

The others have already described why there is a strong response to the breach of trust so I will focus on how I think you can help reapair it.

Time will be required and you will need to always be trustworthy around dealings with her, and to facilitate this I would consider engineering a few events to create a scenario where this is obvious.

If you have a partner then make sure they are on board with this and do not steal your power by making the decision for you.

For example - create an event where your daughter needs your approval for something she really wants to do. 

Think something like a trip to something around her special interests, whether Harry Potter, horse riding or whatever. You should be the one taking her, getting the tickets but otherwise leaving her to do her thing on the day - maybe with friends.

Find a reason for your partner not to be available on these events so she has to ask you to provide, even if this is uncomfortable for her. Your partner can be her confidant if necessary, encouraging her to ask you.

On the day, be kind, friendly and don't bring up the subject of the phone but make sure she has everything she needs to be independent and tell her you are there if she needs anything.

Each interaction is another brick in the wall of rebuilding that trust and you have to be careful not to repeat the mistake but to be supportive.

It is a slow business and may take a few years so it helps to accept this.

As she grows into adulthood with you supporting, helping and encouraging her she will start to realise she over-reacted and I suspect that if you are consistent then your bond will build stronger with time.

These are just my thoughts on it - feel free to ignore.

Breach of trust is difficult. I never viewed what my parents said quite the same again after they told me Santa was not real, which might be a bit extreme.

But black and white thinking doesn't really allow for grey areas. Either it's all true, or it all needs to be checked.

Your issue is a bit deeper than this though.

I think you probably want to find, or manufacturer, some things where she needs your help and will need to engage. If she has an obvious problem you could just help solve it. A gift with real depth, not monetary that is shallow, but emotional, might help.This gives you the way to start to build a relationship. She will be very stubborn and resist, but you can leave the door open. It will require patience.

5 months is not a long time by the way. Time may mean something different when principles are at stake. I don't want to say how long I have gone as an adult after people annoyed me.

Note, these are just my personal views, if it were me, I may be atypical. At that age I would probably re-engage after 6 months.