Autistic teenage daughter cut me out

It is a difficult technological era in which to parent all adolescents, more so; Autistic teenagers and particularly so: for daughters - who can sometimes have a bit of a headstart upon sons when age and impact of puberty are taken into consideration.

This challenge is not always all about safeguarding against "stranger danger". 

There is also so much for young people to learn about what not to establish publicly in their digital footprint (because that data can be leveraged / abused by both strangers and people known to a teenager, plus it persists ...and some youthful exuberance / indiscretions / errors of judgement are none of the business of a prospective future employer. 

Yet, a parent will need to be able to observe sufficient information to feel reassured that an appropriate freedom versus supervision balance can be achieved and maintained across the teenage years).

I knew someone (some years ago) who worked within the education sector and was aware of practical examples where use of technology by teenagers had unfortunately not best served the young person's interests.

The person was parent to an Autistic, young, teenage daughter; where the parent made the daughter's use of a mobile phone conditional upon these daily habits:

- each evening at bedtime, the daughter had to park her mobile on a hall table near the bedrooms,

- it was understood by the daughter that, if the parent had become concerned about a change in the daughter's mood, or behaviour; the parent would assess the mobile use to better understand the support which may be needed by the daughter,

- the same routine afforded the parent the opportunity to check that live apps were actually likely to be the expected ones installed with / for the daughter, the system updates were current, the antivirus was working correctly and had successfully updated,

- the parent would also double-check that unapproved third party remote access was disabled,

- checked parental controls were still enabled,

- also double-checked that it looked as though thr daughter's was the only account which seemed to be using the mobile, and

- checked: location / tracking / GPS / privacy settings / lists of paired or connected Bluetooth devices - all appeared to be still set - as age and potential vulnerability appropriate.

Originally, this wasn't all know-how already mastered by the parent.  I can't recall whether it was a local school, or college - one of the two; ran a series of evening classes where parents were able to up-skill, practice and gain more confidence in what digital red flags could be visible to a parent.

Within the parent's peer group; the smartphone training proved popular - which helped matters: as the daughter felt less "singled-out" when she started to realise quite a number of teenagers she knew, locally, in the real World - were also more likely to also be receiving this enhanced style of active technology parenting safeguarding (Autistic, or not).

In your daughter's case; you were faced with an information crisis driven by a genuine wellbeing concern.

Unfortunately, at your daughter's age; a young person's focus can be narrow and also very muddied by both real World peer pressure, plus, potentially wider digital scope for yet more perceived peer pressure via social media influencer channels, chatroom platforms and messaging apps.

That, on the one hand, is s huge groundswell of other people's vested interests directed towards a teenager - versus - on the other hand, ...any parent (hardly an equitable scenario).

Unfortunately, teenagers are unlikely to appreciate much of that nuance.  For them; their judgements (and slights tally) are likely to be heavily influenced by their perception of such topics as: human rights, autonomy, freedom of expression, confidentiality, expectations of consultation, free will, experimentation and so on.

Add into the mix both the deeply held Autistic truth / trust circuit, potential resistance to change / surprises and a daughter still learning to run and ride life's hormones and emotions ...any parent / parental figure will be challenged with a determined, tenacious and entrenched advacery - the riled and hurt daughter.  (Tricky one).

The good news is; young teenagers (somewhere deep in the psyche) do begin to know three things:

- most parents usually have a track record of demonstrating they love and have their teenager's best interests at heart,

- teenagers do still really need their parents, and

- conflicts really hurt and that, as a teenager, they do not yet have access to the tools to navigate a path through conflict - solo.

The above 3 (grounded) points offer potential currency, agency and lines of communication - in moving towards mediation, through to resolution.  Maybe as a wider family matter - it can be a fully "in-house" achievable objective.

Unfortunately, there also 3 things which young teenagers are still less likely to have started to learn about, practice and know:

- how to recognise and handle big emotions,

- what assertive techniques and support options are available to a teenager when mental health has suffered a blow and their peer group msy have begun to notice that and (maybe) have even worked out that the teenager is not currently as aligned with a parent as they used to be, and

- although the teenager may have at sometime seen adults during conflict within a relationship ... unfortunately, the life skills area the teenager may have yet to have witnessed:how adults resolve conflict between each other and work to repair their relationship.

Addressing the above 3 (needs education and growth) points are more challenging and may need support drawn in from resources outside of the family.  Particularly so; for an Autistic teenager whose communication and social skills may already be uncomfortable territory and from a "hurt" outlook may be less receptive than usual to "parent has something they intend to teach me" mode.

Olive branches of peace may be offered and bridge building towards reconciliation may be offered / initiated - maybe with support from or via other trusted adult relatives / God Parents - for the "grounded" points.

For the "needs education and growth" points - more research and access to external resources are more likely to be required.  There also first needs to be some: time, reflection, healing and reconciliation completed - before the necessary learning and development will begin to land productively.

The parent does not need to tread these paths solo.  There are a few resources and sources of support which come to mind:

NAS Teen Life (Parents Of Autistic Teenagers):

https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/support-in-the-community/family-support

NAS Know Yourself Resources (Autistic Teenagers):

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/resources-for-autistic-teenagers

NAS Parent To Parent Emotional Support Helpline:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/help-and-support/parent-to-parent-helpline

YoungMinds (Guides For Teenagers, Guides For Parents and Parents Helpline):

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/

With my best wishes to your family.

It is a difficult technological era in which to parent all adolescents, more so; Autistic teenagers and particularly so: for daughters - who can sometimes have a bit of a headstart upon sons when age and impact of puberty are taken into consideration.

This challenge is not always all about safeguarding against "stranger danger". 

There is also so much for young people to learn about what not to establish publicly in their digital footprint (because that data can be leveraged / abused by both strangers and people known to a teenager, plus it persists ...and some youthful exuberance / indiscretions / errors of judgement are none of the business of a prospective future employer. 

Yet, a parent will need to be able to observe sufficient information to feel reassured that an appropriate freedom versus supervision balance can be achieved and maintained across the teenage years).

I knew someone (some years ago) who worked within the education sector and was aware of practical examples where use of technology by teenagers had unfortunately not best served the young person's interests.

The person was parent to an Autistic, young, teenage daughter; where the parent made the daughter's use of a mobile phone conditional upon these daily habits:

- each evening at bedtime, the daughter had to park her mobile on a hall table near the bedrooms,

- it was understood by the daughter that, if the parent had become concerned about a change in the daughter's mood, or behaviour; the parent would assess the mobile use to better understand the support which may be needed by the daughter,

- the same routine afforded the parent the opportunity to check that live apps were actually likely to be the expected ones installed with / for the daughter, the system updates were current, the antivirus was working correctly and had successfully updated,

- the parent would also double-check that unapproved third party remote access was disabled,

- checked parental controls were still enabled,

- also double-checked that it looked as though thr daughter's was the only account which seemed to be using the mobile, and

- checked: location / tracking / GPS / privacy settings / lists of paired or connected Bluetooth devices - all appeared to be still set - as age and potential vulnerability appropriate.

Originally, this wasn't all know-how already mastered by the parent.  I can't recall whether it was a local school, or college - one of the two; ran a series of evening classes where parents were able to up-skill, practice and gain more confidence in what digital red flags could be visible to a parent.

Within the parent's peer group; the smartphone training proved popular - which helped matters: as the daughter felt less "singled-out" when she started to realise quite a number of teenagers she knew, locally, in the real World - were also more likely to also be receiving this enhanced style of active technology parenting safeguarding (Autistic, or not).

In your daughter's case; you were faced with an information crisis driven by a genuine wellbeing concern.

Unfortunately, at your daughter's age; a young person's focus can be narrow and also very muddied by both real World peer pressure, plus, potentially wider digital scope for yet more perceived peer pressure via social media influencer channels, chatroom platforms and messaging apps.

That, on the one hand, is s huge groundswell of other people's vested interests directed towards a teenager - versus - on the other hand, ...any parent (hardly an equitable scenario).

Unfortunately, teenagers are unlikely to appreciate much of that nuance.  For them; their judgements (and slights tally) are likely to be heavily influenced by their perception of such topics as: human rights, autonomy, freedom of expression, confidentiality, expectations of consultation, free will, experimentation and so on.

Add into the mix both the deeply held Autistic truth / trust circuit, potential resistance to change / surprises and a daughter still learning to run and ride life's hormones and emotions ...any parent / parental figure will be challenged with a determined, tenacious and entrenched advacery - the riled and hurt daughter.  (Tricky one).

The good news is; young teenagers (somewhere deep in the psyche) do begin to know three things:

- most parents usually have a track record of demonstrating they love and have their teenager's best interests at heart,

- teenagers do still really need their parents, and

- conflicts really hurt and that, as a teenager, they do not yet have access to the tools to navigate a path through conflict - solo.

The above 3 (grounded) points offer potential currency, agency and lines of communication - in moving towards mediation, through to resolution.  Maybe as a wider family matter - it can be a fully "in-house" achievable objective.

Unfortunately, there also 3 things which young teenagers are still less likely to have started to learn about, practice and know:

- how to recognise and handle big emotions,

- what assertive techniques and support options are available to a teenager when mental health has suffered a blow and their peer group msy have begun to notice that and (maybe) have even worked out that the teenager is not currently as aligned with a parent as they used to be, and

- although the teenager may have at sometime seen adults during conflict within a relationship ... unfortunately, the life skills area the teenager may have yet to have witnessed:how adults resolve conflict between each other and work to repair their relationship.

Addressing the above 3 (needs education and growth) points are more challenging and may need support drawn in from resources outside of the family.  Particularly so; for an Autistic teenager whose communication and social skills may already be uncomfortable territory and from a "hurt" outlook may be less receptive than usual to "parent has something they intend to teach me" mode.

Olive branches of peace may be offered and bridge building towards reconciliation may be offered / initiated - maybe with support from or via other trusted adult relatives / God Parents - for the "grounded" points.

For the "needs education and growth" points - more research and access to external resources are more likely to be required.  There also first needs to be some: time, reflection, healing and reconciliation completed - before the necessary learning and development will begin to land productively.

The parent does not need to tread these paths solo.  There are a few resources and sources of support which come to mind:

NAS Teen Life (Parents Of Autistic Teenagers):

https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/support-in-the-community/family-support

NAS Know Yourself Resources (Autistic Teenagers):

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/resources-for-autistic-teenagers

NAS Parent To Parent Emotional Support Helpline:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/help-and-support/parent-to-parent-helpline

YoungMinds (Guides For Teenagers, Guides For Parents and Parents Helpline):

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/

With my best wishes to your family.