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Autistic teenage daughter cut me out

Rach

Hi there 

looking for advice and reassurance please no judgement or negative comments. 

my teenage 15 year old daughter was diagnosed with autism in February this year, she had been having a few issues with school and bullying and her behaviour went dramatically downhill she became withdrawn etc and we payed for a private diagnosis. 

I also found out she had been trying self harming in the February, cuts/scratches on her arms. We have been to the GP and she is now waiting for CBT through cahms but the advice I need relates to the fact that she now refuses to talk or communicate to me. 

when I found out she was self harming she was 14 and it was truly awful, and I took her phone and I checked all the websites and apps she had been viewing before returning it because I feared she was being influenced online. 

she simply cannot forgive me for this, it started with her telling me she hates me and wishes I was dead and now she just ignores me and refuses to answer when I try and talk to her. She won’t go out with me anymore and won’t let me drop her at school etc, he dad has to take her. 

we are 5 months in and I’m at my wits end, my mental health is down the toilet. 

does anyone have any advice as to how this could be resolved. How I could get her to talk again? 

I have obviously apologised and explained to her that I had to check she was safe online etc and tried to talk to her etc but nothing works. 

or has anyone experienced this and can tell me there’s a light at the end of the tunnel? 

thanks 

Parents

  • I can understand the whole autistic teenage girl breach of trust thing being a very big deal to your daughter but I do think monitoring her phone is the right thing to do as a parent. It should be a normal part of life - there is so much scary stuff on the internet for kids.

    I think you need to keep sending the same message to her that you understand that she felt you were breaching her trust and you are sorry for that but you were keeping her safe. I know you've done that already but I think it's important she keeps hearing it. She may be waiting for an admission that you were wrong but you weren't, you were being her mum.

    I tend to think she will eventually snap out of it but teenage girls can hold a grudge and autism probably doesn't help that. 

    It's difficult to advise without knowing your daughter but I'd consider leaving little notes etc saying I love you and that sort of thing. This way you aren't putting any pressure on her to interact with you but you are showing her that you still care and her not talking to you is not going to change that.

    I would also keep trying to make conversation with her as if nothing has happened, but don't push it if she isn't receptive. Eventually you might find that she forgets herself and talks back. Once she has got over that hurdle you might find it gets a whole load easier.

    Another possible solution would be to get someone you both trust to talk to her. Listen to her side but also explain yours. Ask her what she wants to happen in this situation. She likely knows really that she can't never talk to you again but sometimes being asked that question can make you realise you're not achieving anything.

    I hope the situation improves for you.

Reply

  • I can understand the whole autistic teenage girl breach of trust thing being a very big deal to your daughter but I do think monitoring her phone is the right thing to do as a parent. It should be a normal part of life - there is so much scary stuff on the internet for kids.

    I think you need to keep sending the same message to her that you understand that she felt you were breaching her trust and you are sorry for that but you were keeping her safe. I know you've done that already but I think it's important she keeps hearing it. She may be waiting for an admission that you were wrong but you weren't, you were being her mum.

    I tend to think she will eventually snap out of it but teenage girls can hold a grudge and autism probably doesn't help that. 

    It's difficult to advise without knowing your daughter but I'd consider leaving little notes etc saying I love you and that sort of thing. This way you aren't putting any pressure on her to interact with you but you are showing her that you still care and her not talking to you is not going to change that.

    I would also keep trying to make conversation with her as if nothing has happened, but don't push it if she isn't receptive. Eventually you might find that she forgets herself and talks back. Once she has got over that hurdle you might find it gets a whole load easier.

    Another possible solution would be to get someone you both trust to talk to her. Listen to her side but also explain yours. Ask her what she wants to happen in this situation. She likely knows really that she can't never talk to you again but sometimes being asked that question can make you realise you're not achieving anything.

    I hope the situation improves for you.

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