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Autistic teenage daughter cut me out

Rach

Hi there 

looking for advice and reassurance please no judgement or negative comments. 

my teenage 15 year old daughter was diagnosed with autism in February this year, she had been having a few issues with school and bullying and her behaviour went dramatically downhill she became withdrawn etc and we payed for a private diagnosis. 

I also found out she had been trying self harming in the February, cuts/scratches on her arms. We have been to the GP and she is now waiting for CBT through cahms but the advice I need relates to the fact that she now refuses to talk or communicate to me. 

when I found out she was self harming she was 14 and it was truly awful, and I took her phone and I checked all the websites and apps she had been viewing before returning it because I feared she was being influenced online. 

she simply cannot forgive me for this, it started with her telling me she hates me and wishes I was dead and now she just ignores me and refuses to answer when I try and talk to her. She won’t go out with me anymore and won’t let me drop her at school etc, he dad has to take her. 

we are 5 months in and I’m at my wits end, my mental health is down the toilet. 

does anyone have any advice as to how this could be resolved. How I could get her to talk again? 

I have obviously apologised and explained to her that I had to check she was safe online etc and tried to talk to her etc but nothing works. 

or has anyone experienced this and can tell me there’s a light at the end of the tunnel? 

thanks 

Parents
  • Rach said:
    does anyone have any advice as to how this could be resolved. How I could get her to talk again?

    The others have already described why there is a strong response to the breach of trust so I will focus on how I think you can help reapair it.

    Time will be required and you will need to always be trustworthy around dealings with her, and to facilitate this I would consider engineering a few events to create a scenario where this is obvious.

    If you have a partner then make sure they are on board with this and do not steal your power by making the decision for you.

    For example - create an event where your daughter needs your approval for something she really wants to do. 

    Think something like a trip to something around her special interests, whether Harry Potter, horse riding or whatever. You should be the one taking her, getting the tickets but otherwise leaving her to do her thing on the day - maybe with friends.

    Find a reason for your partner not to be available on these events so she has to ask you to provide, even if this is uncomfortable for her. Your partner can be her confidant if necessary, encouraging her to ask you.

    On the day, be kind, friendly and don't bring up the subject of the phone but make sure she has everything she needs to be independent and tell her you are there if she needs anything.

    Each interaction is another brick in the wall of rebuilding that trust and you have to be careful not to repeat the mistake but to be supportive.

    It is a slow business and may take a few years so it helps to accept this.

    As she grows into adulthood with you supporting, helping and encouraging her she will start to realise she over-reacted and I suspect that if you are consistent then your bond will build stronger with time.

    These are just my thoughts on it - feel free to ignore.

Reply
  • Rach said:
    does anyone have any advice as to how this could be resolved. How I could get her to talk again?

    The others have already described why there is a strong response to the breach of trust so I will focus on how I think you can help reapair it.

    Time will be required and you will need to always be trustworthy around dealings with her, and to facilitate this I would consider engineering a few events to create a scenario where this is obvious.

    If you have a partner then make sure they are on board with this and do not steal your power by making the decision for you.

    For example - create an event where your daughter needs your approval for something she really wants to do. 

    Think something like a trip to something around her special interests, whether Harry Potter, horse riding or whatever. You should be the one taking her, getting the tickets but otherwise leaving her to do her thing on the day - maybe with friends.

    Find a reason for your partner not to be available on these events so she has to ask you to provide, even if this is uncomfortable for her. Your partner can be her confidant if necessary, encouraging her to ask you.

    On the day, be kind, friendly and don't bring up the subject of the phone but make sure she has everything she needs to be independent and tell her you are there if she needs anything.

    Each interaction is another brick in the wall of rebuilding that trust and you have to be careful not to repeat the mistake but to be supportive.

    It is a slow business and may take a few years so it helps to accept this.

    As she grows into adulthood with you supporting, helping and encouraging her she will start to realise she over-reacted and I suspect that if you are consistent then your bond will build stronger with time.

    These are just my thoughts on it - feel free to ignore.

Children
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