My Father left me on my birthday and I found out he had an affair against my mother. I am Autistic and cannot handle this

Hi Jack,

Excellent advice from both the previous posts incidently. All i can say Jack is that things do get better with time, proper support and a degree of expression. (By expression i mean letting him know how hurt you feel) Writing to your dad does seem an excellent idea, especially if you have very specific questions you want answered.You may find it much less confrontational than actually asking him face to face.

I blamed myself very much when my parents separated and the pain was immense so I can truly sympathize. And please be assured that what you feel is very normal.

The truth is, (and I can say this now as an adult who's experienced considerable betrayal) is that adult relationships are very complex. Also, when you are on the spectrum these complexities are almost impossible to fathum, so many permutations. It's common to hone in on only one element of a situation and obsess over it and be unable to read the bigger picture. Sometimes we ask ourself questions, which are impossible to get the answers to. Knowing this can be helpful to you.As awful as this sounds, sometimes adults don't always know the reasons why they behave in a certain way, but to remain in an unhappy state can often be very much more toxic, than to leave. This could apply equally to yourself, your mum or your dad.
If you are in need of support for yourself, I would suggest an Autism Aware therapist to help you come to terms with the changes that you have had to face. Clearly it's still relatively recent, but addressing the issues early is key. It won't necessarily lessen the hurt you feel, but may give you strategies to help you cope with your feelings. You are not responsible for how others behave, so please don't blame yourself. In time as you slowly adjust, you may find that things have happened for the best. Life is very unpredicable and these things effect those on the spectrum very deeply.Our thoughts are with you,
RegardsCoogybear xx

I know it is hard for everyone to "move on".  I said to my son's that putting all their energy into finding answers from their dad is understandable but, if he is is unwilling or unable to give them the peace they need, what then?  My son's have ASC and although they didn't have many friends at the time, they were able to vent AT me, teachers, etcwho gave them a voice.

As you say going through every permutation may happen, however how do you know that you have explored every permutation?  this was my point.  Without his father explaining why he did what he did, then this young man may never find an answer, and even if he finds the truth, without his father acknowledging it, then how will he know he's right. Sort of going round in circles.

My son's don't have closure and as a, result have no real connection with  their dad.  They are polite but distant, never letting him into their inner world because he did not let them into his.  Yet to this day he still doesn't see how the  two are connected and is totally baffled by their distant behaviour.  

Even if this young man gets the truth he seeks, it is likely that something else will happen that hurts him and he will seek answers.  This could go on for years and you could become consumed getting to the bottom of each and every event.  

Certainly try to get closure, but keep living your life.

In the ordinary way of things this is good advice, but please consider, is it so easy for someone on the spectrum?

Social interaction is necessary for the re-assurance of others, and while an NT has ready access to friends to sound things out with, someone with autism will be hard put to find anyone to talk to in the way that's needed.

But more importantly, and perhaps because of the difficulties of reasolving issues through social exchange, people with autism are prone to nursing and holding on to unresolved grievances.

Jack's sense of betrayal, of himself and his mother, is going to be hard to shift. It is likely to stay going round and round in his head for a very long time. The only way people on the spectrum can find resolution in such situations is to work through every permutation to the point of exhaustion and even depression.

To be honest the advice to let it go and move on would be hard for many NTs.

We really need advice that addresses family issues from an autistic perspective. NAS Moderators - there must be some way you can usefully come in on this......

Hi Jack

I am a mum with special needs son's who faced similar issues to yours so I understand the pain you are feeling right now.

It is understandable that you are upset and angry by your father's actions and want  to get closure so that you can understand why he did the things he did / does.

Sadly there are many parents who behave in this way, male and female, who decide that their needs outweigh the needs of their children.

My advice to you would be to write to him and tell him how his actions have hurt you and that you want to understand why he does what he does.  Then let it go and try to move on with your life.  I am sure your mum would want you to be happy and move on and do all the things you want to do, and not be held back by all this sadness.  Try to move on, I know it is really hard as you want answers, but chances are you may never get them, and it would be a shame if you let your father's behaviour rob you off your  own happiness.   

Also talks to friends about how you feel and get as much support as you can.  Move forward and make some positive plans for your future, it will help you heal.

Take care ..

Hi Jack,

I've removed some details from your post to keep anonymity. I hope the community will come back to you with some helpful advice soon.

Take care