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My Father left me on my birthday and I found out he had an affair against my mother. I am Autistic and cannot handle this

JackRHOSullivan

Hi,

My name is Jack (removed by mod) and I have serious Aspergers and mild Tourettes and OCD. 

On my 18th Birthday last year 22/12/2013, my Father and Mother had an arguement after I told my Mother some of the cruel things he said to me about her. When my best friend and I left to meet my Sister, my parents argued and Father left. I felt guilty due to him leaving after I told my Mother all the cruel things he said. 

But on Christmas Day we got a call from Father's best friend called (removed by mod) who told us that Father had been having an affair against my Mother for three months and was living with a woman he met those three months ago in (removed by mod). I was full of rage and anger and wanted answers. In anger I had been avoiding contact with my Father only to find that he has contacted me multiple days of multiple weeks. He has had three girlfriends since he ran off and I know this by looking at his Facebook. He emailed me a photo of him and his new girlfriend and this really angered me. I want serious answers but I know he will not give it to me and I cannot ask him because even trying to find out why he cheated on my Mother would result in betraying my Mother. Everyone else says I should talk to him but I know that he will lie to me if I ask him. He is a lier and a cheat. He only talks about himself and never understood my Tourettes and servere Aspergers. 

What can I do to get through this stressful time?

Thanks. 

Jack.

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  • Hi Jack,

    Excellent advice from both the previous posts incidently. All i can say Jack is that things do get better with time, proper support and a degree of expression. (By expression i mean letting him know how hurt you feel) Writing to your dad does seem an excellent idea, especially if you have very specific questions you want answered.You may find it much less confrontational than actually asking him face to face.

    I blamed myself very much when my parents separated and the pain was immense so I can truly sympathize. And please be assured that what you feel is very normal.

    The truth is, (and I can say this now as an adult who's experienced considerable betrayal) is that adult relationships are very complex. Also, when you are on the spectrum these complexities are almost impossible to fathum, so many permutations. It's common to hone in on only one element of a situation and obsess over it and be unable to read the bigger picture. Sometimes we ask ourself questions, which are impossible to get the answers to. Knowing this can be helpful to you.As awful as this sounds, sometimes adults don't always know the reasons why they behave in a certain way, but to remain in an unhappy state can often be very much more toxic, than to leave. This could apply equally to yourself, your mum or your dad.
    If you are in need of support for yourself, I would suggest an Autism Aware therapist to help you come to terms with the changes that you have had to face. Clearly it's still relatively recent, but addressing the issues early is key. It won't necessarily lessen the hurt you feel, but may give you strategies to help you cope with your feelings. You are not responsible for how others behave, so please don't blame yourself. In time as you slowly adjust, you may find that things have happened for the best. Life is very unpredicable and these things effect those on the spectrum very deeply.Our thoughts are with you,
    RegardsCoogybear xx

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  • Hi Jack,

    Excellent advice from both the previous posts incidently. All i can say Jack is that things do get better with time, proper support and a degree of expression. (By expression i mean letting him know how hurt you feel) Writing to your dad does seem an excellent idea, especially if you have very specific questions you want answered.You may find it much less confrontational than actually asking him face to face.

    I blamed myself very much when my parents separated and the pain was immense so I can truly sympathize. And please be assured that what you feel is very normal.

    The truth is, (and I can say this now as an adult who's experienced considerable betrayal) is that adult relationships are very complex. Also, when you are on the spectrum these complexities are almost impossible to fathum, so many permutations. It's common to hone in on only one element of a situation and obsess over it and be unable to read the bigger picture. Sometimes we ask ourself questions, which are impossible to get the answers to. Knowing this can be helpful to you.As awful as this sounds, sometimes adults don't always know the reasons why they behave in a certain way, but to remain in an unhappy state can often be very much more toxic, than to leave. This could apply equally to yourself, your mum or your dad.
    If you are in need of support for yourself, I would suggest an Autism Aware therapist to help you come to terms with the changes that you have had to face. Clearly it's still relatively recent, but addressing the issues early is key. It won't necessarily lessen the hurt you feel, but may give you strategies to help you cope with your feelings. You are not responsible for how others behave, so please don't blame yourself. In time as you slowly adjust, you may find that things have happened for the best. Life is very unpredicable and these things effect those on the spectrum very deeply.Our thoughts are with you,
    RegardsCoogybear xx

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