How do I support my 19 year old Aspie son?

The easiest thing may be for one of you to just stop and say whatever and move on to the next topic.

If it is something important that needs to be resolved then you could try writing it first to allow some time to consider it before having a conversation.

If it is a certain time of day, then perhaps try not to have discussions at that time. I can be more grumpy or prone to misinterpreting things when stressed, same as anyone really.

Zee said:

Sorry if this doesn’t help.

No, it doesn't. I've become a bit wary of people who won't give examples. I'll leave you in the capable hands of the others here.

I apparently do this hamster wheel. I revisit topics and annoy other people. I seem to forget I already resolved them.

I assume it is down to one of two things:

1. I don't remember. Sleep issues mean I am tired which causes problems with memory. Stress causes problems with creating memories.

2. I have not satisfied myself the topic is closed, there is something missing. I liken it to trying to get a marble over a hill, you roll it up, but don't make it and then it rolls back. So you keep trying, repeating what you did before looking fit that extra bit to get it over.

Once resolved though you don't revisit that topic again, unless you get new facts which is unsettling, as you have it clarified and finalised your thoughts on it. It is why you can then talk confidently (and arrogantly and bluntly) about things you have decided on. You know why you think it.

Accepting things are just can be hard to accept..  There is always a reason, it is just you don't know what it is. Or the reason is wrong, illogical or could be done better.

I read that one of the problems for autism is the challenge of creating a coherent narrative around events. If you can't put things in a logical sequence with a story you struggle to process them, and cannot package them up and shunt them off into storage/long term memory. They sit there being ruminated upon, or get buried, maybe for years. It nags at you because you know you don't understand and you are missing something. It is what I think causes he greater susceptibility to trauma. It is the cause of my biggest problems and how I ended up at psychologists and being diagnosed.

From your perspective the solution is not to try to fully answer the question and not get frustrated. Tell him to go do some research, or to write it down and revisit it later.

By about 12 I'd exhausted my parents ability to answer my questions so stopped asking, similarly at school. It was then books if I could afford them, or I waited.

The more you know, the more you realise how little you know. Which is frustrating as it causes doubt and a lack of confidence. It is also annoying there is not enough time to read everything a I can't remember it all even if I do.

Also tell him not to take everything so seriously. He'll ignore you, but it's a great piece of advice I should heed too.

 I think it’s often reasonable to find “it is just so” a less than satisfactory answer to most questions. If he needs something more then would it not be possible to have a calm, reasoned discussion about the issues that are causing tension between you? If you could give an example of the kind of things you’re experiencing conflict over that might be helpful for people on here? It’s hard to be helpful with so little information. 

I don’t think a ‘reset’ is likely to make things worse if it’s done with good will on both sides. Bear in mind that your son is probably feeling very fearful of many aspects of life and most likely is eager to have things much better between you. Arguments are stressful and it’s the last thing either of you want I’m sure. Apologise to him - tell him you’re sorry if you’ve been putting pressure on him and making him feel worse - when in truth you’ve just felt confused about how to be supportive and do the right thing. I think the thing to do is to rebuild trust - trust is so important in all relationships. Admit that you’ve made mistakes. Maybe share with him fears that you have in your own life. Don’t be afraid to show your own vulnerability. You really can improve this relationship I’m sure - your son clearly feels a wish to have you on his side and to understand him - as is demonstrated by the comment he made that you mentioned in your post. He needs you. Be there for him unconditionally. You really can do this - you say it would ‘take a lot of courage’ - but what do you have to lose? Being really nice to your own child involves very little risk surely?! Focus on compassion, forgiveness and kindness. 

Thank you, this is really helpful. Gives me a sense of how he sees it. 

Thank you so much for your kind words. I think you are right, I have got into the habit of not really listening, especially as it always ends in a fight. I probably started expecting so much more from him because he is older and I see that it must be coming across as me judging him, which makes me feel terrible. A reset would be amazing but it will take a lot of courage, what if it doesn’t work and we end up in a worse place. 

It’s hard to give an example, as arguments stem from the tiniest thing and grow into something that makes no sense to me. I realise afterwards that what I am say and what he is hearing are probably two completely different things to him a lot of the time but I can’t seem to say things in a way that gets through to him and he feels he can’t get through to me. Sorry if this doesn’t help. It is definitely an adult thing and any recommendations you have will be gratefully received. Thank you. 

A lot of what you say makes sense, our conversations always seem to end up like an interrogation, we go round and round in circles. I can never seem to give a sufficient answer or a good enough reason, sometimes all that’s needed is acceptance that “it is just so” but he will never accept that and we are back on that hamster wheel. I do get that he isn’t trying to make me feel guilty, that’s my own interpretation I guess. Thank you for your response. 

"Autism From the Inside". Well, that's my weekend sorted! Thanks, Dormouse. Good one.

Whether I am trying to learn more about myself as an Autistic person, or, if I am trying to educate myself about how another Autistic person's presentation and experience may differ from my own - I often start by looking through a relevant topic area on the catalogue of Autism From The Inside YouTube channel videos.

A recent edition covered the topic of better understanding "Autistic Communication Challenges: When I Can't Find Words to Express Myself".

I highlight this episode as this communication challenge can sometimes be the source of misunderstandings with other people.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yln0xbobdL8

Hoping that the video (and the comments by the other video viewers) might help to offer some fresh perspective on the situation.

I’m sorry - I can see that you are trying to do the right thing - but it’s not always easy to know what that is in practice. I have two autistic sons in their twenties - and I’m autistic too. Like anyone else their needs change as they get older - so it’s not a straightforward process to always know how best to be supportive. Please don’t be too hard on yourself - you obviously love your son and are doing your best. 
I think a key thing in any relationship is to truly listen (TRULY, deeply LISTEN) to what the person is communicating to you (either verbally or non verbally). Often we think we’re listening (and are genuinely trying to) when in some ways we are not fully acknowledging and truly tuning in to what’s really being communicated to us. Also - the person really needs to know that this is your 100% heartfelt  intention- to truly listen and acknowledge how they feel and respect their experience.

The comment you refer to that your son said about ‘if you don’t understand me who will’ really does sound like a plea to you to connect with him. It’s actually wonderful that he wants to do this - and shows that your relationship with him still means a lot to him. 
If I were in your shoes I would essentially say to your son : “ I know that our relationship hasn’t been that good recently, and I know we’re both struggling in various ways, but can we wipe the slate clean and start again? Put past tensions behind us and have a fresh start? Because I love you and our relationship and your happiness means the world to me, and I want to do all I can to improve things and to be there for you?’. Basically : ‘beginning anew’. 
It’s never too late to start again and rebuild a relationship if the will to do so is there. The important thing is: forgive and forget whatever went before. Make it 100% clear that you’re on his side no matter what. Acknowledge that you’ve made mistakes and drop all judgment on both sides. 
Autistic people are like anyone else in that they want to feel understood, acknowledged and respected. Life can be incredibly hard for teenagers - especially autistic teenagers. Make it clear to him that you understand that, and that you don’t judge him for struggling, or for finding things difficult that other people maybe find easy or obvious. 
Autistic people often feel like total failures because they struggle with so many aspects of life - and they need people in their lives that don’t judge them for that and that instead celebrate who they are no matter what. Unconditional love - that’s what we need from our loved ones. 
I really hope things improve for you both - it’s well worth the effort and time to improve this very precious relationship we that have with our children - and they need us - even as adults we still can benefit from a good relationship with our parents. Good luck! . 

Could you give us some examples of the things you argue about, Zee? That would help to put a bit more context on things. Autistic people like us usually need more context, as we find it hard to read between the lines.

If you read everything about Autism when he was 5, 14 years ago, then a little refresher course might be no harm. If for no other reason than he was a child then and is an adult now. There is a lot more information out there these days from the mouths and pens of Autistic adults just like your son. He is, after all, looking to be understood.

I'm 56 and conversations with my parents still go wrong.

I am not sure exactly why, but communication style is part of it.

Often communication is a data dump, I'll say what I think and why I think it. It's basically crystallizing my thoughts by speaking them, which is for my benefit. The other person can nod. Or offer their similar experience then I can see they understand (shared experience), I can see what they did (validate my thinking) and see how it turned out (learn).

If they just challenge my thinking, especially if they interrupt, it messes up my line of thinking. I don't know how valid their point is as I don't know where it is coming from.

If I speak to someone I tend to end up interrogating them. Asking lots of questions to make sure I understand. I never used to offer much back in return unless I had a similar experience, see above.

I did not offer much sympathy because I was not sure what difference it made. I struggle with emotion so tend to keep things factual.

All this stuff works well in a technical business environment, but is less good on a personal level.

I have been watching videos on YouTube recently, since autism was suggested, so I can appreciate some of the challenges. I have tried a few changes and it seems to work better.

1. There is also the double empathy problem. Trust is based on understanding (maybe undersharing, but that was a typo I just corrected) and predicting what the other person is likely to say or do, which does not work of you are on different wavelengths.

This could be the root cause of the arguments.

It could just be he has strange views or he may not be good at explaining, you can ask him to explain since he will have a reason, I almost always carefully think about things. It might be based on wrong info or false logic which is why you end up arguing. But if you did that things may be better. I used to be super stubborn when young, but I would change my mind if information to contradict my position was provided.

I tend to provide too much or not enough information though. And things that don't interest me can be brushed aside. Comments may be blunt which can rub people up the wrong way although I try to avoid that. 

Be careful about feeling manipulated. You are feeling guilty, where he probably just means it as a statement. This guilt will cause resentment, but it is probably not meant like that.

He will cope. People less close will see less issues. He will find others on same wavelength.

Not sure if any of this helps.