How do I support my 19 year old Aspie son?

I'm 56 and conversations with my parents still go wrong.

I am not sure exactly why, but communication style is part of it.

Often communication is a data dump, I'll say what I think and why I think it. It's basically crystallizing my thoughts by speaking them, which is for my benefit. The other person can nod. Or offer their similar experience then I can see they understand (shared experience), I can see what they did (validate my thinking) and see how it turned out (learn).

If they just challenge my thinking, especially if they interrupt, it messes up my line of thinking. I don't know how valid their point is as I don't know where it is coming from.

If I speak to someone I tend to end up interrogating them. Asking lots of questions to make sure I understand. I never used to offer much back in return unless I had a similar experience, see above.

I did not offer much sympathy because I was not sure what difference it made. I struggle with emotion so tend to keep things factual.

All this stuff works well in a technical business environment, but is less good on a personal level.

I have been watching videos on YouTube recently, since autism was suggested, so I can appreciate some of the challenges. I have tried a few changes and it seems to work better.

1. There is also the double empathy problem. Trust is based on understanding (maybe undersharing, but that was a typo I just corrected) and predicting what the other person is likely to say or do, which does not work of you are on different wavelengths.

This could be the root cause of the arguments.

It could just be he has strange views or he may not be good at explaining, you can ask him to explain since he will have a reason, I almost always carefully think about things. It might be based on wrong info or false logic which is why you end up arguing. But if you did that things may be better. I used to be super stubborn when young, but I would change my mind if information to contradict my position was provided.

I tend to provide too much or not enough information though. And things that don't interest me can be brushed aside. Comments may be blunt which can rub people up the wrong way although I try to avoid that. 

Be careful about feeling manipulated. You are feeling guilty, where he probably just means it as a statement. This guilt will cause resentment, but it is probably not meant like that.

He will cope. People less close will see less issues. He will find others on same wavelength.

Not sure if any of this helps.

A lot of what you say makes sense, our conversations always seem to end up like an interrogation, we go round and round in circles. I can never seem to give a sufficient answer or a good enough reason, sometimes all that’s needed is acceptance that “it is just so” but he will never accept that and we are back on that hamster wheel. I do get that he isn’t trying to make me feel guilty, that’s my own interpretation I guess. Thank you for your response. 

 I think it’s often reasonable to find “it is just so” a less than satisfactory answer to most questions. If he needs something more then would it not be possible to have a calm, reasoned discussion about the issues that are causing tension between you? If you could give an example of the kind of things you’re experiencing conflict over that might be helpful for people on here? It’s hard to be helpful with so little information. 

 I think it’s often reasonable to find “it is just so” a less than satisfactory answer to most questions. If he needs something more then would it not be possible to have a calm, reasoned discussion about the issues that are causing tension between you? If you could give an example of the kind of things you’re experiencing conflict over that might be helpful for people on here? It’s hard to be helpful with so little information.