How do I support my 19 year old Aspie son?

I'm 56 and conversations with my parents still go wrong.

I am not sure exactly why, but communication style is part of it.

Often communication is a data dump, I'll say what I think and why I think it. It's basically crystallizing my thoughts by speaking them, which is for my benefit. The other person can nod. Or offer their similar experience then I can see they understand (shared experience), I can see what they did (validate my thinking) and see how it turned out (learn).

If they just challenge my thinking, especially if they interrupt, it messes up my line of thinking. I don't know how valid their point is as I don't know where it is coming from.

If I speak to someone I tend to end up interrogating them. Asking lots of questions to make sure I understand. I never used to offer much back in return unless I had a similar experience, see above.

I did not offer much sympathy because I was not sure what difference it made. I struggle with emotion so tend to keep things factual.

All this stuff works well in a technical business environment, but is less good on a personal level.

I have been watching videos on YouTube recently, since autism was suggested, so I can appreciate some of the challenges. I have tried a few changes and it seems to work better.

1. There is also the double empathy problem. Trust is based on understanding (maybe undersharing, but that was a typo I just corrected) and predicting what the other person is likely to say or do, which does not work of you are on different wavelengths.

This could be the root cause of the arguments.

It could just be he has strange views or he may not be good at explaining, you can ask him to explain since he will have a reason, I almost always carefully think about things. It might be based on wrong info or false logic which is why you end up arguing. But if you did that things may be better. I used to be super stubborn when young, but I would change my mind if information to contradict my position was provided.

I tend to provide too much or not enough information though. And things that don't interest me can be brushed aside. Comments may be blunt which can rub people up the wrong way although I try to avoid that. 

Be careful about feeling manipulated. You are feeling guilty, where he probably just means it as a statement. This guilt will cause resentment, but it is probably not meant like that.

He will cope. People less close will see less issues. He will find others on same wavelength.

Not sure if any of this helps.

A lot of what you say makes sense, our conversations always seem to end up like an interrogation, we go round and round in circles. I can never seem to give a sufficient answer or a good enough reason, sometimes all that’s needed is acceptance that “it is just so” but he will never accept that and we are back on that hamster wheel. I do get that he isn’t trying to make me feel guilty, that’s my own interpretation I guess. Thank you for your response. 

I apparently do this hamster wheel. I revisit topics and annoy other people. I seem to forget I already resolved them.

I assume it is down to one of two things:

1. I don't remember. Sleep issues mean I am tired which causes problems with memory. Stress causes problems with creating memories.

2. I have not satisfied myself the topic is closed, there is something missing. I liken it to trying to get a marble over a hill, you roll it up, but don't make it and then it rolls back. So you keep trying, repeating what you did before looking fit that extra bit to get it over.

Once resolved though you don't revisit that topic again, unless you get new facts which is unsettling, as you have it clarified and finalised your thoughts on it. It is why you can then talk confidently (and arrogantly and bluntly) about things you have decided on. You know why you think it.

Accepting things are just can be hard to accept..  There is always a reason, it is just you don't know what it is. Or the reason is wrong, illogical or could be done better.

I read that one of the problems for autism is the challenge of creating a coherent narrative around events. If you can't put things in a logical sequence with a story you struggle to process them, and cannot package them up and shunt them off into storage/long term memory. They sit there being ruminated upon, or get buried, maybe for years. It nags at you because you know you don't understand and you are missing something. It is what I think causes he greater susceptibility to trauma. It is the cause of my biggest problems and how I ended up at psychologists and being diagnosed.

From your perspective the solution is not to try to fully answer the question and not get frustrated. Tell him to go do some research, or to write it down and revisit it later.

By about 12 I'd exhausted my parents ability to answer my questions so stopped asking, similarly at school. It was then books if I could afford them, or I waited.

The more you know, the more you realise how little you know. Which is frustrating as it causes doubt and a lack of confidence. It is also annoying there is not enough time to read everything a I can't remember it all even if I do.

Also tell him not to take everything so seriously. He'll ignore you, but it's a great piece of advice I should heed too.

I apparently do this hamster wheel. I revisit topics and annoy other people. I seem to forget I already resolved them.

I assume it is down to one of two things:

1. I don't remember. Sleep issues mean I am tired which causes problems with memory. Stress causes problems with creating memories.

2. I have not satisfied myself the topic is closed, there is something missing. I liken it to trying to get a marble over a hill, you roll it up, but don't make it and then it rolls back. So you keep trying, repeating what you did before looking fit that extra bit to get it over.

Once resolved though you don't revisit that topic again, unless you get new facts which is unsettling, as you have it clarified and finalised your thoughts on it. It is why you can then talk confidently (and arrogantly and bluntly) about things you have decided on. You know why you think it.

Accepting things are just can be hard to accept..  There is always a reason, it is just you don't know what it is. Or the reason is wrong, illogical or could be done better.

I read that one of the problems for autism is the challenge of creating a coherent narrative around events. If you can't put things in a logical sequence with a story you struggle to process them, and cannot package them up and shunt them off into storage/long term memory. They sit there being ruminated upon, or get buried, maybe for years. It nags at you because you know you don't understand and you are missing something. It is what I think causes he greater susceptibility to trauma. It is the cause of my biggest problems and how I ended up at psychologists and being diagnosed.

From your perspective the solution is not to try to fully answer the question and not get frustrated. Tell him to go do some research, or to write it down and revisit it later.

By about 12 I'd exhausted my parents ability to answer my questions so stopped asking, similarly at school. It was then books if I could afford them, or I waited.

The more you know, the more you realise how little you know. Which is frustrating as it causes doubt and a lack of confidence. It is also annoying there is not enough time to read everything a I can't remember it all even if I do.

Also tell him not to take everything so seriously. He'll ignore you, but it's a great piece of advice I should heed too.