Help please, autistic 10yo daughter with PDA profile and parents separating.

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I hope this helps!

Best wishes,

Anna Mod

typically when a young child hears devorce they strugel to comprihend it. She knew she had to talk to people at school about it. I bet most of them were quite sympathetic. I bet they were uncomfortably sympathetic because a lot of those kids will have devorced parents too and will have been brutally honest what divorce is like. That might explain the change after a relitivley calm half term.

She will have heard kids say:

• My parents said they will always both love me and be there for me but now I barely ever see one.
• I was told the devorce wasn't anyones fault but now they always argue and blame the other when it comes to aranging time with me.
• I love seeing both my parents but all the traveling and moving about meens I don't have enough time for myself and friends.

And that's from the friends with average divorces not the really nasty ones. She can't controle your divorce and she needs to, on an emotional level, because the family unit is part of the foundation of her security. So she escapes in to digital worlds where things can be controled. Where things are set up so you can win if you try hard (baring in mind for her winning right now would probably look like keeping you two together). So since she can't win in real life (by directing events to her satisfaction) she'll take comfort in winning behind the screen. I'd advise you to let her. It's one of the less negative coping mechanisms she could choose.

Dochobbit said:

Almost like she was running through the scenarios of who do I speak to/what do I say etc.

I think every autistic person does that with upcoming stressfull situations. Stratergising dificult conversations.

I mean short of the two of you living in close proximity (walking distance) to each other there is simply no way to maintain the normality she has known and even then that normality would disapper after one of you gets in a relationship. She will have heard horror stories from peers about being the step child the new partner secretly resents or step siblings bully and you can't promisse her that won't happen with your spouse.

I hope someone can help. I also need help now. Because of how our autism and adha child is causing our family to break up. Sorry but I can't seem to write my own post..

Just a suggestion and it might not work but for kids with PDA they often have a drive for autonomy and feeling in control. I'd imagine this situation has made everything feel very out of control and uncertain which is difficult when you're autistic. I wonder if there is something small at each of your homes that she could have control over. You don't need to mention it being to do with her struggling with the separation or anything like that. But something that just might make her feel like something is in her control. 

I,m not trying to judge or tell anyone what to do I just want to share my honest opinion from the heart. When there’s a child with autism involved, things become even more sensitive. These children need extra love, patience, stability, and support from both parents.

I understand that relationships can be difficult, and sometimes separation feels like the only option. But at times, especially when we have a special needs child, it’s worth asking ourselves if there’s still a way to put our differences aside not just for us, but for the child who depends so much on both of us being there.

Autistic children thrive in consistency and emotional safety. When the family breaks, it’s not just about two adults going separate ways it’s about how deeply that change affects a child who may already struggle to understand the world around them.

Sometimes, as parents, you may need to sacrifice a bit of our own happiness or pride for the sake of a child who didn’t choose to be in that situation and who needs you more than you realize.

Thank you. Yes the connecting is hard. I think a lot about it. Pictures are good 

Thank you. This is both insightful and reassuring. Time and reassurance. 

I would guess it is the loss of certainty. Home was the stable, safe, known quantity that allowed the other stuff to be handled.

The switch was because suddenly school seemed less risky and more familiar. It didn't last because there are more people and more moving parts, it could not really be a substitute for home.

So now it is a question of drawing no attention to herself, and just disengaging while working how to fit into the new arrangement.

She won't want to say anything wrong as it adds uncertainty, so is just quiet. She's looking for new norms and new rules.

I am not sure what the answer is. Probably time, routines (establish a new normal), stable and predictable interactions and no obvious conflict. Also reassurance that everything will be ok.

She might.also want space and not to be asked what's wrong too much.

Unpredictable situations are stressful.

Its what I would want.

Hi. I wonder if the switching off is her way of trying to forget what is happening. My son spends more time on screens when he is struggling with situations, as any kind of change is difficult for him to cope with. Being autistic myself I understand how anything other than the usual routine upsets my equilibrium. 

Engaging can be a difficult thing. I live with my teenage son, but most days see very little of him. When I do spend time with him I try to talk about his special interest and ask him about it. I have purposely learnt a lot about this, as in the past new very little about it. I wonder if there is something she is interested in that you could share an interest in? Perhaps sharing pictures?