Help please, autistic 10yo daughter with PDA profile and parents separating.

Hi all,

My 10yo daughter is really struggling currently. Me and my wife have been separated for the last 5 months, having told our kids 3 months ago. Our daughter is awaiting her ASD assessment however, we feel it is highly likely she is. She also fits the PDA profile very well. She was having major problems with school attendance which had been steadily getting worse over the last 1-2 years. After we told her about separating, couldn’t get to school for 1.5 weeks. Then suddenly a switch flipped and she was absolutely fine last 1/2 term. Now after the holidays it’s like we’ve regressed even further back. Will barely leave a chair in the living room. Spends hours in screens. 

I worry that she’s depressed and/or anxious. Before returning to school after learning of our separation, she appeared to be unsure about what to say to people. Almost like she was running through the scenarios of who do I speak to/what do I say etc. We try to limit screen time but have given her a phone to speak to friends. I almost worry this backfires as kids don’t really use this much, so often doesn’t get a reply the same way adults do. So makes her conversely feel more alone.

I really do struggle with the screens. I understand the decompression part, however, as someone who is active and just doesn’t really do this sort of thing, I find it hard to watch someone so shut off from life.

We have tried speaking to her about the situation, but she doesn’t really want to and will just switch of and not speak. 

Im less worried about school per se. More how do I help her engage with life and be happy. 

I am really worried. It’s very hard to see someone that you love and care for seemingly so down that I don’t know what to do to help.

Parents
  • I would guess it is the loss of certainty. Home was the stable, safe, known quantity that allowed the other stuff to be handled.

    The switch was because suddenly school seemed less risky and more familiar. It didn't last because there are more people and more moving parts, it could not really be a substitute for home.

    So now it is a question of drawing no attention to herself, and just disengaging while working how to fit into the new arrangement.

    She won't want to say anything wrong as it adds uncertainty, so is just quiet. She's looking for new norms and new rules.

    I am not sure what the answer is. Probably time, routines (establish a new normal), stable and predictable interactions and no obvious conflict. Also reassurance that everything will be ok.

    She might.also want space and not to be asked what's wrong too much.

    Unpredictable situations are stressful.

    Its what I would want.

Reply
  • I would guess it is the loss of certainty. Home was the stable, safe, known quantity that allowed the other stuff to be handled.

    The switch was because suddenly school seemed less risky and more familiar. It didn't last because there are more people and more moving parts, it could not really be a substitute for home.

    So now it is a question of drawing no attention to herself, and just disengaging while working how to fit into the new arrangement.

    She won't want to say anything wrong as it adds uncertainty, so is just quiet. She's looking for new norms and new rules.

    I am not sure what the answer is. Probably time, routines (establish a new normal), stable and predictable interactions and no obvious conflict. Also reassurance that everything will be ok.

    She might.also want space and not to be asked what's wrong too much.

    Unpredictable situations are stressful.

    Its what I would want.

Children