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Help please, autistic 10yo daughter with PDA profile and parents separating.

Dochobbit

Hi all,

My 10yo daughter is really struggling currently. Me and my wife have been separated for the last 5 months, having told our kids 3 months ago. Our daughter is awaiting her ASD assessment however, we feel it is highly likely she is. She also fits the PDA profile very well. She was having major problems with school attendance which had been steadily getting worse over the last 1-2 years. After we told her about separating, couldn’t get to school for 1.5 weeks. Then suddenly a switch flipped and she was absolutely fine last 1/2 term. Now after the holidays it’s like we’ve regressed even further back. Will barely leave a chair in the living room. Spends hours in screens. 

I worry that she’s depressed and/or anxious. Before returning to school after learning of our separation, she appeared to be unsure about what to say to people. Almost like she was running through the scenarios of who do I speak to/what do I say etc. We try to limit screen time but have given her a phone to speak to friends. I almost worry this backfires as kids don’t really use this much, so often doesn’t get a reply the same way adults do. So makes her conversely feel more alone.

I really do struggle with the screens. I understand the decompression part, however, as someone who is active and just doesn’t really do this sort of thing, I find it hard to watch someone so shut off from life.

We have tried speaking to her about the situation, but she doesn’t really want to and will just switch of and not speak. 

Im less worried about school per se. More how do I help her engage with life and be happy. 

I am really worried. It’s very hard to see someone that you love and care for seemingly so down that I don’t know what to do to help.

Parents

  • typically when a young child hears devorce they strugel to comprihend it. She knew she had to talk to people at school about it. I bet most of them were quite sympathetic. I bet they were uncomfortably sympathetic because a lot of those kids will have devorced parents too and will have been brutally honest what divorce is like. That might explain the change after a relitivley calm half term.

    She will have heard kids say:

    • My parents said they will always both love me and be there for me but now I barely ever see one.
    • I was told the devorce wasn't anyones fault but now they always argue and blame the other when it comes to aranging time with me.
    • I love seeing both my parents but all the traveling and moving about meens I don't have enough time for myself and friends.

    And that's from the friends with average divorces not the really nasty ones. She can't controle your divorce and she needs to, on an emotional level, because the family unit is part of the foundation of her security. So she escapes in to digital worlds where things can be controled. Where things are set up so you can win if you try hard (baring in mind for her winning right now would probably look like keeping you two together). So since she can't win in real life (by directing events to her satisfaction) she'll take comfort in winning behind the screen. I'd advise you to let her. It's one of the less negative coping mechanisms she could choose.

    Dochobbit said:
    Almost like she was running through the scenarios of who do I speak to/what do I say etc.

    I think every autistic person does that with upcoming stressfull situations. Stratergising dificult conversations.

    I mean short of the two of you living in close proximity (walking distance) to each other there is simply no way to maintain the normality she has known and even then that normality would disapper after one of you gets in a relationship. She will have heard horror stories from peers about being the step child the new partner secretly resents or step siblings bully and you can't promisse her that won't happen with your spouse.

Reply

  • typically when a young child hears devorce they strugel to comprihend it. She knew she had to talk to people at school about it. I bet most of them were quite sympathetic. I bet they were uncomfortably sympathetic because a lot of those kids will have devorced parents too and will have been brutally honest what divorce is like. That might explain the change after a relitivley calm half term.

    She will have heard kids say:

    • My parents said they will always both love me and be there for me but now I barely ever see one.
    • I was told the devorce wasn't anyones fault but now they always argue and blame the other when it comes to aranging time with me.
    • I love seeing both my parents but all the traveling and moving about meens I don't have enough time for myself and friends.

    And that's from the friends with average divorces not the really nasty ones. She can't controle your divorce and she needs to, on an emotional level, because the family unit is part of the foundation of her security. So she escapes in to digital worlds where things can be controled. Where things are set up so you can win if you try hard (baring in mind for her winning right now would probably look like keeping you two together). So since she can't win in real life (by directing events to her satisfaction) she'll take comfort in winning behind the screen. I'd advise you to let her. It's one of the less negative coping mechanisms she could choose.

    Dochobbit said:
    Almost like she was running through the scenarios of who do I speak to/what do I say etc.

    I think every autistic person does that with upcoming stressfull situations. Stratergising dificult conversations.

    I mean short of the two of you living in close proximity (walking distance) to each other there is simply no way to maintain the normality she has known and even then that normality would disapper after one of you gets in a relationship. She will have heard horror stories from peers about being the step child the new partner secretly resents or step siblings bully and you can't promisse her that won't happen with your spouse.

Children
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