Help please, autistic 10yo daughter with PDA profile and parents separating.

Hi all,

My 10yo daughter is really struggling currently. Me and my wife have been separated for the last 5 months, having told our kids 3 months ago. Our daughter is awaiting her ASD assessment however, we feel it is highly likely she is. She also fits the PDA profile very well. She was having major problems with school attendance which had been steadily getting worse over the last 1-2 years. After we told her about separating, couldn’t get to school for 1.5 weeks. Then suddenly a switch flipped and she was absolutely fine last 1/2 term. Now after the holidays it’s like we’ve regressed even further back. Will barely leave a chair in the living room. Spends hours in screens. 

I worry that she’s depressed and/or anxious. Before returning to school after learning of our separation, she appeared to be unsure about what to say to people. Almost like she was running through the scenarios of who do I speak to/what do I say etc. We try to limit screen time but have given her a phone to speak to friends. I almost worry this backfires as kids don’t really use this much, so often doesn’t get a reply the same way adults do. So makes her conversely feel more alone.

I really do struggle with the screens. I understand the decompression part, however, as someone who is active and just doesn’t really do this sort of thing, I find it hard to watch someone so shut off from life.

We have tried speaking to her about the situation, but she doesn’t really want to and will just switch of and not speak. 

Im less worried about school per se. More how do I help her engage with life and be happy. 

I am really worried. It’s very hard to see someone that you love and care for seemingly so down that I don’t know what to do to help.

Parents
  • Just a suggestion and it might not work but for kids with PDA they often have a drive for autonomy and feeling in control. I'd imagine this situation has made everything feel very out of control and uncertain which is difficult when you're autistic. I wonder if there is something small at each of your homes that she could have control over. You don't need to mention it being to do with her struggling with the separation or anything like that. But something that just might make her feel like something is in her control. 

Reply
  • Just a suggestion and it might not work but for kids with PDA they often have a drive for autonomy and feeling in control. I'd imagine this situation has made everything feel very out of control and uncertain which is difficult when you're autistic. I wonder if there is something small at each of your homes that she could have control over. You don't need to mention it being to do with her struggling with the separation or anything like that. But something that just might make her feel like something is in her control. 

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