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Advice needed please.

Bigsis

Hi, I'm in desperate need of ideas/ advice, please.

My brother is 24 & his mum is currently in really poorly in hospital, unfortunately not looking to come out this side of christmas. She's on dialysis when she's well enough to have it, three times a week.

I am currently staying with my brother to make sure he has everything he needs & he's not alone. I live 4 hours away & am currently working remotely. Thankfully I have an understanding boss but I have been here for a few weeks & need to go back to work. 

The issue is that my brother rarely leaves the house. He occasionally visits his mum in hospital & he puts the bins out when it's dark, that's it. The rest of the time he is in his room gaming. He can talk but chooses not to. He doesn't get showered without being told to & doesn't understand how much food he needs to last for the week. He also doesn't care for his dog properly either & doesn't understand money or bills.

I tried to get him to come home with me at the beginning of the month but he sat in his chair & sobbed, refusing to move. Short of physically picking him up, there was nothing I could do.

I can't leave him here alone because he doesn't respond to texts or answer the phone. His mum thinks he should stay at my house until she's out of hospital but I don't know how to persuade him. I'm terrified his mum might not come out at all & he'll be removed from the house.

Does anyone have any advice, please? He doesn't have a social worker. Any assistance he's ever had has been withdrawn because he wouldn't communicate. I don't know what to do or where to turn. We were filling in the forms for power of attorney when my stepmum was took into hospital, so we haven't even got that yet. Please help.

  • To be honest he should probably be assesed for adult social care and pip. in combination they are designed to pay for in home care for people who are nearly indipendant but can't quite mange certain day to day tasks without help.

    I get it. Leaving his house would be like giving up on his mum and on his old stable life all at once. Leaving all his roots behind and loosing his parents in one go. It's too much for a soul to bear. You've got to let him have time to greave. Even if it leaves him a bit smelly and skinny. He certainly wouln't be the first greaving man loosing weight and with bad hygeen. Letting yourself go is quite common in those situations.

    Also with regards to the house I don't know the situation but if things get legal would be good to have a lawyer or at least an advocate of some sort on his side.

  • in reply to Bigsis

    You are very welcome. It sounds like you've made a good start, but it may take him time to adjust to the fact that there are going to be big changes. Its better for him to go through this with you than with a social worker or carer he doesn't know though, so keep going.

    I wish you both all the best.

  • in reply to Pixiefox

    Thank you for your reply. I have explained fully but then left it when he was so upset. I brought the subject up again yesterday & he started shaking, so I didn't go any further. 

    Your advice was helpful Going forward, I'm going to mention it daily & plan the journey, as you say. I've shown him a video of the inside of my house, where he'll sleeping/gaming  & most importantly how big my fridge is for all of his burgers he seems to be obsessed with at the moment lol.

    Thank you again for your help.

  • I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I've never been in that situation, but if I were you I would try to explain the situation fully to your brother I would - tell him that he needs someone to care for him and it's better to be someone he knows than a stranger, Ask him what he needs to take with him to make him feel comfortable at your home, reassure him he can have his dog there, and plan the journey with him so he knows what will happen when. If he has a meltdown, I.would leave him in a quiet space until he is calm, then reiterate the facts so he knows he cannot ignore it. 

    I wish you luck.

  • in reply to Debbie unable to post all replies being moderated

    Thank you so much for responding.

    Bless you, it's so hard isn't it. You just hit a wall every time. 

    My stepmum was in hospital from October last year to May but a family friend was staying here until he met someone, than he was leaving my brother alone for days on end without us knowing. 

    I asked my brother last week, if he had enough insulin needles, he said yes but it didn't look like it to me so I've ordered them anyway. This morning, I've looked & he only has 3 so I've had to order them from Amazon as his prescription hasn't been sent. These little things are important & the reason I need to be with him.

    My poor hubby feels like he's lost his wife too lol. Seriously though, he knows it has to be done. I just need my brother to understand & be willing to come to mine for a little holiday until his mum is back home.

  • I don't really have any advice to give but I just wanted to acknowledge your post.

    I wasn't in a dissimilar situation with my mother but the big difference was that I lived only a 20 minute drive away.

    She wouldn't sign a power of attorney and no services would engage with me without one including her GP who wouldn't talk to me about my concerns.

    I was only able to get assistance when crises (medical emergencies) occurred.

    I ended up not coping myself because for the majority of this time I was working and had to take time of sick.

    However, I had to still support my mother because no-one else was.

    She had lost most of her sight, had dementia, other mental health problems and was a hoarder.

    I'm so sorry that you are going through this and I hope that you find a resolution.

    Take care.